


Whispers of Children

by xBubble_Teax



Series: Whispers of Children [1]
Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Romance, Sex, Strong Language, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2018-10-02 05:12:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 59,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10210322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xBubble_Teax/pseuds/xBubble_Teax
Summary: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."





	1. Prologue

*

“Thanks. Just leave it there for now.”

The cardboard box echoes loudly as it’s dropped against the wood without a care; the man I’d just given a tip grunting briefly in my direction before making his way back out the house again. Back into the removal van.

Good riddance.

I stare around my new home with a sense of... freshness. A new beginning I once dreamed of years ago now becoming the weight I was holding between my fingertips.

I walk out onto the balcony at the back of the cottage, greeted with the ocean spray and smell of sand beckoning my lungs into sweet captivation. I was content with the idea that the little beach at the back belonged to me entirely; and though the sand stretched for miles along the coast, available to the public like any other beach, it was nice to have my own privacy.

My eyes follow the waves as they swish back and forth onshore, the coastal wind throwing the blonde strands of my hair across my face. I close my eyes and savour the breeze brushing my cheeks, knowing that things from now on were going to be different.

And I would make sure of it.

I decided to unpack later; it wasn’t as though I was expecting visitors anytime soon; the boxes strewn about my hallway and piled high on top of each other in each room would just have to stay as they were for now.

Instead, I grabbed a light jacket and took a walk. I’d been told by the estate agents that the neighbourhood was nice up here. Thanks to work commitments, I hadn’t really gotten a chance to have a proper look.

My neighbours’ house was a deep contrast to mine. A small thatched cottage with bright peach pastel walls and square wooden windows with several trellises out front. A bungalow too, while my second story, white, stone bricked country house towered over it like a big brother. I wondered whether houses could define people after all, although I wasn’t as tall and proud as my new home seemed to be.

Still, I was grateful for just the one neighbour. Since my house stood beside a cluster of pine trees, there wasn’t exactly the space to build there, not to mention the amount of environmental protesters that would flock to the occasion. On this street alone, there was only a straight row of sixteen houses each side. Taverns and small cafés lined the beach area further down and the closer I became, the louder I could hear the voices of families and children enjoying a day out under the sun.

I loved how the maple trees lined the sidewalk, standing tall above my head as I strolled underneath the protection of their branches. Several leaves were fluttering to the tarmac ahead of me, some already forming large piles in between parked cars and it made me realise how much I loved autumn. You never really got a chance to experience it in the city.

My feet came to an abrupt stop; a montage of memories projecting redundantly in my head,

“Stop it...” I shake my head and concentrate on the sound of the waves behind the houses next to me, feeling a maple leaf come to rest against my shoulder; as though Mother Nature herself was laying her own hand comfortingly against me.

It took a few breaths to send the horrors away. This is why I moved here, to forget my past and prove to myself that life wasn’t just a twisted, fucked up lie set out to deceive you. All my childhood, I’d believed God had laid out these ‘games’ to test me,

_“Come find me Aki...”_

To test those around me.

I adjust my glasses on my nose as the whispers in my head fade away to nothingness at long last. I stride in silence once more, letting the sweet sounds of a new world embrace me, letting me know I was safe here.

I was safe.

*

 

This side of town certainly was a charm point for weekends by the sea. So much so that I’d spent all afternoon exploring the place.

Not many people lived in this reserved countryside village south of Kyoto. In fact its population was a cosy number being only a few thousand, but they lived further south than here, leaving me part of a small community made up of only a few hundred.

And that was one of the factors that made me fall in love with this place.

By 8pm I’d finally managed to unpack the last box in the house; a few photographs of the family which I stored on the high shelves in the guest bedroom. If I could persuade Kai to leave that boyfriend of his alone, perhaps he could come and stay for a few days.

I smile at the thought of him, packing the empty boxes away, adding them to the number stacked high in the store cupboard along the hallway.

I mind the high beams above my head, the mahogany wood lining the ceiling row by row, defining the character I’d grown to adore on past viewings with estate agents.

And to think it was all mine now . . .

I let a smile stretch from cheek to cheek; the first I’d felt in a while. That alone was enough to tell me I’d done the right thing. This was my home . . .

The phone rang downstairs while I was in the middle of changing. I yanked my white shirt over my head midway down the narrow stairs, snatching the phone off the hook by the front door,

“Hey Aki!” An unmistakable voice sang down the receiver, “How was moving day?”

I fiddled with one of my loose sleeves but soon gave up and rolled it to my elbow,

“Good, Kai, good.” I mumbled, all of a sudden sleepy, “Everything’s unpacked and the village is beautiful. You really ought to get your ass down here once Uruha gives you some free time.”

No chance at that. The other guy was a walking sex beast.

Or at least, that’s what Kai’s told me,

“I will.” my friend promises, but I sense an unneeded pause erupting from his end, “But, Aki, do you really think this move is going to change anything?”

I sighed; it was only a matter of time before people started asking these questions,

“It will.” I say confidently, leaning my back against the wall, letting my hands run over the smooth green wallpaper, the evidence of history, culture and a sense of ancient life birthing underneath my fingertips,

“You know you can’t change the past.” Kai mumbles, almost inaudibly that I was thankful the waves had calmed down a little now for me to hear him, “Aki, what happened, happened. No new house or ocean drop off or playing happy families in the countryside will change that.”

I feel my memory treading on the tiptoes of a place I’d rather not revisit, my hand clenching tighter against the phone,

“Leave it, Kai. This is my decision, not yours.” I warn gently, feeling my heart pick up pace.

I hear him sigh; but I don’t care if he’s hurt by my cold tone. I don’t like it when people interfere. Never have done,

“You always shut people out.” Kai says gently, the sun setting through the glass beside my front door, shining warmly on my skin, “Aki, you don’t go out, you don’t make friends. The ones you do have only get pushed away. You only have me here because we grew up together.”

I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Why can’t he just shut up?

“You need to face those fears, Akira.” Kai whispers, my frustration recognised as I feel something wet slide down my cheek, my eyes stinging from a past no longer welcome to me,

“Kai... just shut up.” I can’t scream, my throat choked up, sealing itself in an unmistakable bond of fear, “Don’t take me back there Kai... please.”

“Okay, Aki, okay.” Kai soothes slowly, softly, my legs so weak I slide down the wall and slump against the floor, the pinewood hard underneath me once we meet,

_“Come find me Aki...”_

I can’t breathe...

_“Aki... Over here.”_

“S-Stop it...” I whisper, holding my head in my hands to shield myself. Don’t take me back there, please . . .

“You need to fight it.” Kai’s voice suddenly sounds in my ear and I startle, sweat pouring from my forehead, the phone slipping in my grasp, “Don’t shut yourself out from me, Aki, I want you to talk to me -”

“- Oh, what do you know?!!” my heart must be accelerating ten times the original rate but I don’t care, stumbling as I try to regain my balance, getting angrier all the more, “There’s nothing you can say and nothing you can do, Kai! In fact I don’t even know why you’re talking to me. Get off the phone! Get lost and leave me alone!”

I throw the phone against the wall before Kai can even try and apologise. As anger washes over me, I hunch over against the floorboards, beating my fist against them until my knuckles bleed...

_“Aki...”_

I can hear him... the way he beckons me with cold and searing eyes. Stalking my head and picking at every piece until I come undone.

“No... shut up.”

_“Come find me Aki...”_

Weakness. That’s all I’ve ever been, sobbing loudly as I curl into a ball against the floor, the sun warming my body but failing to ease the coldness in my heart.

Make it go away... that’s what I have to do. And no one needs to know.

I don’t need _anyone._

*


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira soon discovers his new neighbourhood might not be what it seems...

*

 

I sigh heavily and cradle the phone tighter in the crook of my neck.

Lesson learned. Trying to cook dinner and deal with a frantic woman on the other end of the phone wasn’t the best of ideas.

Mental note: _never_ try it again,

“No, Akira-san!!” my agent shrieks at me, and I almost drop the phone in reaction to the volume, “The publishers have given you two more weeks to hand that manuscript in. You haven’t produced anything!”

“Please bear in mind I’ve only just moved house.” I mumble lowly, wincing as the hissing in the pan gets louder and I shoot a quick glance to my watch.

Damn, I didn’t realise how late it was,

“Look, I promise I’ll have the next chapter finished by this weekend.” I blurt out, not entirely sure if the words or true or whether I’m just saying them to make her hang up,

“And how many times have I heard that line hm?” she spits back at me, and I curse mentally as the doorbell sounds,

“Look, I’m gonna have to go!” I shout at her, catching a curse word on her end before I finally manage to hang up the phone.

Time after time I’d promised myself I’d hire a new agent; but then time after time I wondered why I still hadn’t done it.

Maybe novelists really _are_ this unorganized.

I sigh at the stereotype that’s been thrown at me countless times, draping a dishcloth over my shoulder as I padded down the hall to answer the door.

A hamper was being shoved in my face the minute I opened it, Kai’s smile glisteningly catchable behind it,

“Evening, Aki!” he chirped, “I found this on the door for you –“

I snatched it from him with a scowl, “Yeah and it’s only about the millionth one I’ve had to clear off of my doorstep in the past twenty-four hours.”

“Well, what’s wrong with people welcoming you to the neighbourhood?” Kai moaned, shrugging of his jacket and allowing me to perch it on the coat rack by the door, “It’s cute.”

I smile a little, “You should know I don’t do cute by now, Kai.”

By the time I’d shown him around the house and listened to every complimentary adjective Kai could think of, I’d almost managed to burn down the kitchen before he’d actually stepped inside it,

“Shit!” Water bubbled over the pan and I struggled to turn down the gas, my finger stinging like hell from the grill I’d so cleverly managed to scald myself with,

“So...” I picked up Kai’s amused tone with just that word alone, “... How’s bachelor life going for ya?”

I feel him watching me make a fool of myself, sitting on the stool against one of the counters with mocking eyes,

“Shouldn't you be more focused on  _your_ twisted idea of a relationship?!" I snap, bringing out some plates from a cupboard now that things are generally under control.

Kai only answered when the stir fry was plated up before him, and we were sat together on the rear porch of the house, listening to the ocean waves roll on shore one by one; the meals I’d prepared and the glasses of wine perched on small wooden tables in front of us,

“Look, just because you disapprove of Uruha...” Kai munched, his eyes shining wonderfully against the autumn darkness, his smile widening the more my scowl grew deeper,

“No, I like the guy.” I didn’t even know if that was a lie or not, but I had to force myself to look at the ocean every time we mentioned his name, “I’m just pissed you chose _him_ over me.”

Kai is thoughtful for a moment, swirling his fork around the edges of the plate, pretending to pick up any leftovers when in actual fact, I knew he was wordless. Or wondering how to put together his next sentence in the hope his word choice might insult me _less,_

“Don’t make me go over this again.” he mumbled at last.

_My_ turn to swirl the fork,

“Why not?” I ask, the coastal wind stealing my voice away from me, dimming it down to only a whisper, “It’s not like I care or anything, Kai, I’m just interested as to why.”

I remember the heartbreak clearly. If anyone remembers but a single thing in life, it has to be the first time they fall in love with someone.

But with Kai it was different. I ended up watching him from afar; bearing resemblance to nothing more than a friend as we grew up year after year in high school. Then we made it to college. And then university.

Of course he was oblivious to how I felt. Day after day, I wondered to myself how, if ever, I would tell him the truth.

And when I finally did... it was already too late. My motivation spurred on, not by passion, but rather by jealousy.

Uruha. The new boy who’d joined Kai’s Sociology class halfway through the spring term. Kai ended up being his mentor. They spent lunches in the library together, went out for drinks after classes ended.

Leaving me with my heart in my hands.

I suppose I blame myself. If I hadn’t have seen them kissing behind the club, who knows what would have happened.

It tore me apart. To think that someone I had known for longer, who I had harboured feelings for for longer, had been snatched away from me by the very grasp of a stranger.

So I made the mistake of getting drunk... telling him exactly what I thought.

And after I’d slurred away my dignity as well as my love for him, I ended up hung-over the following morning, Kai sitting beside me still dressed from the night before,

_“Did you mean what you said?”_

_The headache throbbed like hell against my skull, and it took all my strength to hear you, feeling the memories come back one by one in a gentle replay,_

_“Yes.” I croak to you, wondering if the gasp you made was something positive or not,_

_“Aki…” you take my hand. I swear to you my heart lifts a little, as though raising itself to your seal,_

_“Kai, I love you.” I whisper, my head feeling groggy there against the couch cushion, grateful for you crouching down to my level, “Kai, I’ve always loved you. Ever since we were kids…”_

_“Aki...” I wonder why you’re shaking your head. There are no tears of happiness either,_

_“Kai, you have to believe me.”_

_“I do but....”_

I’ll never forget the words after that. In fact it’s painful to try.

And yet here we were, five years after graduating, trying to hold onto the friendship we’d built so well together as children.

But as adults it even hurts,

“I’d already fallen in love with Uruha, Aki, you know that.” Kai sighs against the breeze, leaving an unwelcome chill in my chest,

“I know.” my voice sounds hollow. Am I crying?

“What good would it have done for us anyway?” Kai murmurs gently, watching as I push my unwanted food away, “We both had different aspirations and besides... we were too good at being friends.”

I’ve heard this speech before; but I want him to tell it to me over and over again. In the hope that someday, he just might convince me of it,

“But it’s not like you feel the same way now anyway right?” Kai’s face passes a smile, reaching for his wineglass.

I nod, reaching for my glass too,

“Right.”

*

 

It’s past midnight when we’re nibbling on popcorn and nachos, sitting in the dark watching an action film Kai had brought over to serve as entertainment.

Unfortunately my Blu-ray player hadn’t arrived from the electronics store yet. And I’m still pissed about it,

“You wanna stay over tonight?”

As expected, Kai shakes his head, “Nah, I’d love to but I better be getting back.”

I try not to let that feeling of jealousy take advantage of me, “Uruha’s expecting you right?”

Kai stretches his arms high in the air, the credits now rolling on-screen, “Well, that and work.” he grins,

“Ah.”

I sit silent in my seat, letting my eyebrows rise as he gets on all fours to crawl over to the DVD player. His ass stands out like a sore thumb as he bends his front low to retrieve the disk, the back pockets of his jeans wiggling side to side at me, as though completely in a tease.

Perhaps I still lied to him now for his own protection. Or maybe to love someone, you just have to let them go sometimes.

I smile gently as Kai snaps the DVD case shut, turning to me slowly,

“I enjoyed tonight.” he says shyly, and I notice a small blush tinge his cheeks, “And I’m glad to see you’ve settled in nicely.”

I stand up and walk him back into the hallway, leaning against the staircase while he retrieves his jacket, trying not to take in the gracefulness of his posture, the smooth skin underneath that jumper...

“You worried me on the phone the other night.” he murmurs away from me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I stuff my hands in my jean pockets; feeling an embarrassing shade of my own stretch across my face and down to my neck,

“I’m sorry.” I sigh, “I never meant to shout at you like that. It was just... I just…”

“I know.” he turns around then, warm hands wrapping around my waist, “I know...”

I close my eyes against his shoulder, my eyes stinging as tainted tears move in to invade, “I’m so sorry...”

But sorry wouldn’t save me now would it? It was just a word.

Words often mean nothing to me,

_“You won’t find me Aki...”_

I flinch against him, Kai’s embrace tightening around me and pretty soon I feel his hands rub up and down against my shoulders,

“I’ll always be on the end of the phone for you.” he says softly, almost perfectly into my ear, “Or even just drive by and invade my house or stop by the restaurant, I won’t mind.”

I laugh a little, “Maybe I will.”

“You’re not alone in this.” he adds, and even though he may think it’s for my benefit alone; he’s in fact wrong.

Because I _am_ alone,

“Don’t shut out on me, Akira.” Kai tells me as soon as we break apart, the warmth of his body against my own heating what remainder of a soul I had left, “I can help you... if you let me.”

Minutes later I’m waving goodbye, watching his sedan rumble down the street. Away from me and back to _him._

_Back to what I couldn’t have…_

I shake my head to stop that feeling; turning to see another hamper sitting on my porch.

I wonder why I didn’t even notice it before, and when I step closer to retrieve it I notice it’s filled with the norm. A couple of apples, some flowers, the odd box of chocolates and frills of decoration here and there.

But this time there is no “Welcome to the Neighbourhood” card like I’ve found in all the rest.

Instead, a rectangle of folded notepaper is attached to the bow by a staple, and I rip it off to read – it’s only polite right?

There were only four words. Four words that suddenly changed my opinion on Kai’s perspective of my ‘friendly’ neighbours,

“Oh my...” I mouth, my head snapping up to look up and down the quiet street; finding no lonely soul or screaming victim that could possibly have written such a note.

Four words,

 

_Dear Mister,_

 

_Help me._

*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Stay with it (^^*) We're gonna be getting interesting now <33 Comments are adored as always my lovelies! *Presents muffins*


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira has an unexpected encounter...

*

 

The note was all I could think about within the next coming days.

And my agent, who had tried time and time again to get a finished manuscript off of me, still hadn’t received the one I’d promised her by the end of the week.

Because even though I tried to form the sentences in my novel, my mind couldn’t help but flash back to that note, and the sorry, scared soul who must have wrote it.

I’d scanned the street a hundred times over. I’d even gone so far as walking up and down it, whispering out callings that could possibly give me a reply to someone in distress.

As predicted, no call came. No screams, no signs of struggle. I didn’t even come across skid marks of car tyres or drops of blood on the side-walk. No clues whatsoever in fact.

I had debated several times on whether to contact the police; however the only evidence that would be eligible would be the note handwritten to me personally. Besides, where would they even start? I didn’t know who had left it here and I certainly didn’t know what kind of trouble they were in.

For all I know it could have been a practical joke. A “let’s pick on the new neighbour” game by a few kids perhaps. Not that I would blame them; my lazy attire of jeans and shirts with thick black glasses perched on my nose passed me off as the neighbourhood nerd no doubt.

But something didn’t feel right. And it frustrated me as to what I should do.

It was only when I came back from the grocery store on a Wednesday evening that I took out my mobile phone and decided to call the police after all.

Besides, if someone in this area had been in danger, it would only be a matter of time before the police investigators, or whoever, came across a crime scene or suspicious dwelling.

If someone died because of my ignorance I would never forgive myself; part of me believed I was already too late.

I place my grocery bags on the floor as the call connects, patting my pockets with my other hand to search for my key.

I press “2” for the police service, once again letting the phone ring and wait for it to be picked up.

I wonder what I should report; a kidnapping? Suspected murder? Rape?

_“Aki...”_

I close my eyes and shut it out, hearing a middle aged lady answer the phone at long last,

“Kyoto Police Department, how can I be of service?”

“Oh hello there.” I finally locate my keys, fiddling with them as I try to find the right one; all the others either for back doors, windows, or locked cupboards, “My name’s Akira Suzuki. I’m calling to report a...” I pause to think, “. . . A disturbance in my village.”

“What kind of disturbance Mr. Suzuki?”

“Oh. W-Well, I’m not sure really.” my keys jingle in my grasp and I struggle to hear her properly, “You see, I found this hamper on my doorstep and –“

“- Sir, with all due respect, I’m going to have to remind you that you face police custody if you are found to be wasting police time.” she tells me sternly.

I sigh, “I know that, it’s just- it’s a little hard to explain...”

“Would you like to call back once you’ve figured out what you’d like to report?”

I can’t help but get the feeling she isn’t taking me seriously; probably filing her nails at her desk as we speak, making fun of me just to make her shift a little easier,

“Sure, why not.” I shove my key in the lock, twisting it hard in annoyance, “I’ll call again soon then.”

“Goodbye sir.”

She hangs up on me and I stand on my front porch staring at the phone with a frown, though I’m not sure what good it would do.

I shove it back in my pocket and push the door open, shaking my head to myself as I lean down to pick up my grocery bags.

I’m only halfway through the doorway when a voice from behind scares the living hell out of me,

“Who were you talking to?”

It sounds accusing and I spin my head around swiftly, placing the bags back down onto the floor again.

I stand up straight and push my glasses further up my nose, turning to face a young boy a few inches shorter than me standing on the top step of the porch,

“Why is it any of your business?” I reply quietly, taking note of his fists clenched either side of him.

Almost immediately I guess he’s probably a wise guy in his school; probably does drink or drugs or a combination of both and somehow thinks I’ve grassed him up to authorities.

Maybe that’s the case. Although he doesn’t _look_ like a thug. I examine his skinny frame and soft dark hair, layered and shaped around his face with a few strands sticking out here and there. His eyes, with darkness to match his hair, shine against the light beaming on my porch, and his clothes don’t speak of much; a grey hoodie and stone-wash jeans.

Although I find it odd he’s wearing sandals for this time of year. Unless of course he’s a hippie of some kind...

My opinion suddenly favours in that of a drug dealer,

“Was it the police?” he asks shakily, his fists starting to follow suit.

I sigh and scratch the back of my head, “Look, kid, if you think I’ve snitched you up for something then I haven’t okay? It’s got nothing to do with you. Now get off my porch.”

I step forward to shoo him away but he doesn’t even flinch. Nor does he intend to leave so abruptly,

“But it is though isn’t it?” he says quietly, “You were going to tell them about that hamper left outside your house last night?”

I’m taken aback by his knowledge, my eyes widening considerably behind the lenses of my glasses,

“How do you know about that?” I ask slowly, the teenager’s head dropping to stare at his feet, “Hey, if you know something –“

“- No!” he bursts out, his eyes gleaming as he faces me once more; his expression looking more frightened than angry now, “I don’t know anything! Just... p-promise me you won’t tell the police anything about it! Or the note! Promise me!”

My eyes narrow as he stares at me pleadingly; his breathing becoming an erratic mess the more the seconds tick by and I still haven’t given him an answer,

“You _do_ have something to do with it don’t you?” I ask quietly, after my mind pieces his sentences together line by line and he whimpers lowly, “Listen if you know who’s done this, you can help me! Do you know who wrote the note?”

He stares at me for a while, and he opens his mouth to say something before he bolts down the steps and out across the street,

“Hey kid!!” I scream after him, jogging a little way up the road before the darkness affects my eyes and I can no longer see where he’s gone.

I didn’t even catch the boy’s name, nor why on earth he had been eavesdropping on my conversation and so I found I was back at square one. Only more confused than before.

I sigh; city life may have been stressful.

But it was _nothing_ compared to this...

*

 

I don’t catch the kid around for a long time.

I’d expected to bump into him when out and about in the area but it seemed he had locked himself away somewhere.

Out of sight and out of my reach.

I sigh and collect my things, a chilly autumn air greeting me as soon as I pull open my front door and make my way to the car, pulling my scarf up a little tighter.

I do as I always do every morning; scan the street up and down for any sign of the boy, though I knew the chances of him showing up just when I happened to go to work were very slim indeed. Still, it was worth a shot, and I catch the neighbours in the house to my left shouting at each other again.

They’d been doing that a lot lately. At night especially. I’d noticed it when driving home from the store or from the publisher’s office in the city.

At first it didn’t seem so bad. An ordinary couple fighting as every other married spouse in the country do.

But I’d noticed it had become a regular thing; often getting louder each day as well – they left their windows open half of the time.

It was hard to believe really. Living in a sweet thatched cottage like that, you would have thought the residents would have been kind hearted and good natured. When I first moved here, I’d envisioned an elderly couple with lots of grandchildren.

I couldn’t have been more wrong, and the shouting gets noticeably quieter as soon as I slide into my car and close the door.

I pull my coat around me tighter and tuck my briefcase on the passenger seat next to me; having finally written that manuscript my agent had been milking me for. At least now I could give myself another few months to finish the entire book.

I didn’t mind missing deadlines or being late with set objectives. I wasn’t that popular a writer to begin with; it earns me a good sum of money – enough to own a nice Ford Mustang and live in this gorgeous house by the sea.

I had a good life, I knew that. If the sales of my books increase, then that’s fine. But I’m happier as I am now.

Comfortable in fact.

I catch a glimpse of the time and realise I should get a move on if I don’t want to face more trouble for being late on punctuality too. My agent may not be all that, but the publishers don’t give you a second chance.

I shift into reverse, blessed with the privilege of having my own driveway; a strong contrast to the hit and run episodes I’d usually have most mornings back in the city.

The tyres barely make it down the curb when I hear something tap against my window, my reaction too late to see who it was before my briefcase is being thrown in the back and someone has seated themselves in my car,

“Can you take me to school?” the other breathes, and my blood boils as I realise it’s the kid from a few weeks ago, “I missed the bus this morning and I’m really late. Please?” he adds, strapping on his seatbelt while I stumble over my words,

“What the fuck are you –?” I stare at him, and it maddens me all the more that he just quietly stares back innocently, a leather shoulder bag propped neatly on his knees, “Get out of my car!”

“No, but please it’ll only take a second!” he whines, glancing around for help and I notice his eyes flicker to the dashboard, “I-I’ll cover the cost of fuel! Just... please?”

I sigh impatiently, tapping my fingers against the steering wheel, “I can’t believe you.” I murmur, “For one thing, I barely know you and above that you scared the shit out of me a few weeks ago, creeping up on me like that, so tell me why you think it’s completely appropriate to just waltz in my car and hitch a free ride to school when I am on my way to -!”

“- I know, I’m sorry.” he mumbles, cutting off my blabbering and I watch as his eyes linger to the floor, his fingers gripping the strap of his bag tightly, almost shaking like they were the last time I saw him, “But I really need your help.”

I figure my best bet is to just take him to the God damn school before _I_ get arrested for kidnapping. I’ve already seen how stubborn he can be so I say nothing and press my foot gently on the accelerator again. Not only that, but the quicker I get him there, the quicker I can get to my appointment with the publisher,

“Alright.” I mutter lowly, “But this is a one time thing, agreed?”

In the corner of my eye, I see him nod shyly, pressing his lips together and blushing considerably,

“You’ve got some nerve kid.” I tell him firmly, once we’re cruising down the street at a steady speed, “Eavesdropping on my conversation like you’d been following me or something. And then you pull a stunt like _this_.”

He says nothing, his head still dipped towards the ground.

I breathe out through my nose; all of a sudden curious at this sudden shyness.

Perhaps he had something to do with that note after all; he made that clear when he bolted from my house a couple of weeks back.

But why? That’s what I wanted to know,

“W-What’s your name?” he asks next to me, shuffling a little, his gaze finally lifting to look out the window,

“Didn’t you hear me say it on the phone?” I smirk teasingly,

“Yeah, b-but I forgot it.”

I frown; I never meant it to be serious,

“Akira.” I answer, pulling to stop at a junction and waiting for oncoming traffic to pass by, “Akira Suzuki.”

He nods and stays silent once more, his chin propped on his palm as he gazes outside, watching the trees and countryside flash by the more we pick up speed,

“So, you’re not going to tell me yours squirt?” I ask after a while, catching how his eyes close from time to time. Whether it was from sleepiness or not, I couldn’t tell,

“Don’t call me that.” he mutters, and I look at him for a second before my eyes return to the road, “I hate it when people call me things like that.”

“Sorry.” Wow, he really wasn’t what I expected at all. Body of a teenager, mind of a three year old.

He sounded sulky when he said it, which suggested to me he probably got teased a lot.

Even the way he sat was childish. Wringing his hands over themselves again and again, clutching his bag tight to him as though it was some kind of comforter or cuddly toy.

I wondered if he was maybe insecure. Either that or plainly disillusioned. He’d proven that to me twice already,

“So what is your _real_ name then?” I suggest lightly, noting how the pout on his lips was probably caused by me and I worried I may have started his day badly.

Well it’s his own fault. _He_ was the one that chose to jump in my car,

“Yuu.” he tells me softly, making an invisible pattern against his bag with a single finger, “Yuu Shiroyama.”

I nod, “It’s nice.”

Yuu continues his pretence drawing, though I’m not really in a position to pay attention to the pattern his hands are making, his shyness revealing itself further as he descends into a silent cocoon once more.

I don’t have to concentrate too much on my driving for now; the main road we’re now on was straight for a few miles; a couple of corners after that and we’ll be in the city,

“Yuu, why were you so scared the other night?” I ask, knowing that he can’t avoid the topic and run away this time so I figure it’s the only chance I’ll get to have an explanation, “Why did you run away from me?”

I notice him swallow hard, “Y-You’re still mad at me aren’t you?”

His voice is almost inaudible, and I strain to hear him over the engine humming,

“I’m not mad.” I shake my head, “Annoyed maybe, but not mad.” I realise I’m almost breaking the speed limit, my foot having subconsciously pressed down on it at the anger topic, “Yuu, what’s a guy to think when you creep up behind me outside my own home? You invaded my property, you spoke to me rudely...” I sigh in dismay, “And then you ran away before I could get another word out of you.”

“S-Sorry.” Yuu mutters lowly, and his voice sounds so hollow I think he might be crying.

Oh God, he’s emotionally unstable too...

“Yuu, if you’re scared about something, there’s no need to be.” I tell him gently, remembering the paleness across his face when I asked him about the note. Whether or not he knew who wrote it,

“Yuu, if you know who wrote the note then it’s worth telling me. Or if not me, then the police. Or your parents.” I add, the teen shaking his head vigorously against the head restraint,

“No one’s in danger.” he tells me, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, “But promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

He sits up in his seat, and I can see the plea in his eyes, the dark circles underneath them...

The bruise on one side of his cheek,

“What’s that?” I ignore his request to point at the purple patch on his cheekbone, spreading so wide it had almost touched the corner of his eye.

I wonder why I never noticed it before, and it only increases my worry further the more I reflect back to our conversation.

Yuu backs away from me, turning his head again so I can’t see the injury,

“Yuu...” I warn gently, all of a sudden concerned for his well being, “Where did you get that bruise?”

“What do you care anyway?” he shoots back at me, “You don’t know me, I don’t know you! Why the hell should I trust you?”

“And yet _who_ jumped in _my_ car this morning?” I snap back at him, meeting his challenge head on, “You don’t just hop into some stranger’s car without thinking about it, Yuu.”

This is why I don’t want kids. I’m reminded of it when the sulky pout returns, his trembling hands clutching the strap of his school bag even tighter, “Yeah, well, it was an emergency.” he mumbles,

“Look, kid.” I say sternly, frustration making my grip on the steering wheel tighten, “Either you tell me what the hell is going on or I am going to phone the police tonight and tell them exactly what happened the other day.”

He flinches at that and I dare to believe my threat worked.

I know he’s hiding something; it’s almost blatantly obvious. All I need to do is just piece the facts together.

The nervousness, the shyness, the bruise on his face... his entire personality seems to be a mask for something I know he’s trying to keep secret.

He proved it when he ran away from me two weeks ago. And he proved it again just now.

I know he has something to do with it. Despite the fact we’re strangers to each other, I know this much.

I wait impatiently as he takes a moment to chew his lip; I know I’m running out of time now, the city’s West High School only  a couple of blocks away,

“Yuu.” I remind him solemnly, knowing that this could possibly put someone’s life in danger if I don’t do something about it.

After all, that note was pretty brief. Someone in trouble doesn’t have time to enlist a full description of their situation,

_Help me . . ._

And not to mention it was left at _my_ door. Why me? Why my doorstep and not someone else’s?

Could they have been close to me? Was my house the nearest salvation of hope for them?

I didn’t know, but when I finally pulled up outside the high school bustling with traffic and school buses and crowds of kids pushing to get indoors, Yuu remained looking unsure in his seat.

I tug on the handbrake and turn to face him,

“Come on kid.” I urge gently, “I promise you won’t get into any trouble. But if you know who wrote the note or what’s been going on that could have made someone write a note then you need to tell me.”

To my surprise he scoffs, “What are you? Some kind of private detective now?”

“A novelist actually.” I smile a little, trying to coax him a touch, “So I know how human’s feelings work. I write about it all the time.”

“Why do you care?” Yuu sniffs, still refusing to meet my gaze, “It’s not like it’s your business or anything.”

“It _became_ my business when the note was left on _my_ doorstep.” I answer softly, sneaking a look outside as most of the kids had dispersed indoors ready for class.

Yuu seems to notice the quietness from outside too, “I-I better be going –“

“- Not unless you want me to phone the police.” I call after him, as he takes hold of the door handle.

He hesitates in his seat and slides back to face me, his eyes fixed on a random spot by the speed dial,

“Yuu.” I clasp my hands in front of me, “Tell me who wrote the note.”

For a brief moment I have a horrified feeling that he may just be daring enough to make a run for it; call my bluff and see whether I’d phone the police after all.

But it seems he’s too scared to find out, and he bites his lip hard, looking warily out of the window towards the front of the school, “You promise you won’t tell?” he whispers softly,

“I promise.”

I watch as he takes a deep breath, one of his legs starting to shake beneath him,

“It was me!” he blurts out, not giving me chance to take in his words before he’s thrown open the door and escaped, sprinting to the school doors with his bag dangling lazily from his arm.

I watch him leave with widened eyes, slumping back in my seat as I process his words through.

 _Yuu_ wrote the note?

*

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira makes a decision about Yuu's sudden confession.

_*_

 

_Your lips capturing mine in sweet serenity;_

_With arms that could lift a thousand times my weight;_

_Into a grey sky;_

_Filled with sadness;_

_Escaping loneliness;_

_You held me high and kept me safe;_

_Kept me above ground in case I should fall;_

_Now I leave you here;_

_Isolated…Embracing loneliness;_

_Aki…Won’t you rescue me?_

\- - -

 

I watch his lips move. Time and again I see the lips part in subtle movements, his tongue elevating with each word he speaks to me.

But I can barely hear the guy. No matter how much I try and listen to the feedback the publisher is giving me on my manuscript, it seems my mind can’t help but linger on the events of this morning when I’d dropped Yuu off at school.

His confession had racked my mind into a further state of discomfiture. As if I thought it wasn’t enough the first time round.

I wasn’t the type to admit it but... I was severely worried for him. Even if he’d become the sole source of my aggravation these past couple of weeks. And with my limit of patience, that was saying something.

He left the hamper on _my_ doorstep. The note meant for _me_ to find.

I sigh inwardly and nod as yet another compliment is paid to my written chapter; the printed copy held in between the publisher’s hands shaking vigorously as he waves it around, a large grin on his face.

I try to smile back but I can’t.  Usually I feel a happy warmth fill my chest whenever someone likes my work this much but... for some reason I couldn’t push this heavy feeling of worry away from myself.

It was frustrating me. Growing up with two older siblings and parents who rarely gave a fuck taught me never to concern myself with others who were of no concern to me. It became my motto for nine years; ever since I turned thirteen and threw my first punch at a kid twice my size.

I’d thought those days of me caring were long gone; perhaps this time I was wrong.

It seems a lifetime before I’m given the deadline for the next chapter and I can finally leave the office. Trudging past wide office areas with phones ringing off the hook every five seconds and the tap tap tapping of frantic fingers against keyboards . . .

I glanced at my watch to find I had been here almost three hours; my stomach rumbling at the acknowledgement that it was midday and in need of some lunch.

But I knew I couldn’t go home and act like everything was normal. I was far too distracted. Too worried about –

_Too worried about Yuu . . ._

I annoy myself that I’m actually biting my lip subconsciously and I push my glasses up my nose as I descend the winding staircase to the ground floor of the building.

Perhaps I should pay a visit to Yuu after school? Just to make sure everything’s alright.

I stop abruptly as the entrance doors separate before me; cursing myself that I should be so pathetically worried about a teenager I’ve barely known for five minutes.

But why should I care? For all I know he could be playing me for a joke.

_No... don’t be stupid. Deep down you know that’s ridiculous._

I let my hand run wearily through the strands of my hair; lingering against the back of my head as I scrunch my fist tight.

_So what am I gonna do?_

My thoughts are still running over themselves while I make my way into the car park and seat myself in my Mustang. Inconclusive as always, I turn on the radio and rest an elbow against the car door, narrowing my eyes as I gaze out the window; running the past conversations I’d had with Yuu over and over again in my head.

There had to be a reason for all of this. Perhaps he really was just pleading for help from a stranger and wasn’t thinking at the time; probably why he was so shy and defiant towards me. That and begging me not to tell the police or his parents or _anyone else_ for that matter.

And that bruise on his face . . .

I can’t help but let the helplessness invade. There was something he was hiding. I just had to lure it out of him. Make him trust me.

He’s involved me in this now and I know for sure that something’s wrong.

So I’m going to do something about it.

*

 

I wait patiently for the bell; the school grounds eerily quiet until the loud ring blares throughout the entire area and I’m suddenly joined by a steady stream of cars and school buses ready to take everyone home.

In fact, Yuu’s school was a lot more populated than I had first anticipated, the grounds suddenly swarming with students as they made their way home.

I scanned the crowds for Yuu; trying to spot his raven coloured hair and that leather shoulder bag of his.

To my delight, I locate him only a few minutes later, bending down to tie the shoelace of his sneakers after waving goodbye to a few classmates.

I figure now’s my chance and I exit the car to greet him.

In particular, I hadn’t even stopped to consider whether Yuu would like to see me or not. He’d ran out of the car this morning when he’d confessed his secret to me. I knew the chances of that happening again were on a lower scale.

But I had to try. Even if it didn’t work out as planned, I couldn’t just sit behind my computer and let this get to me. I’d done that before and look where it had got me,

_Aki, you need to hide!!_

“Oh fuck off and leave me alone.” I whisper, pushing my way through the excitable crowds as I move closer to Yuu; who was still oblivious to my presence and setting about tying his other shoelace once the other was done.

I don’t even know what I’m going to start with; and even as I’d hoped the words would come once Yuu was in closer proximity, I couldn’t have been more wrong, my tongue sealing tightly behind my teeth as I come to stand beside him.

I wait for him to finish, although I’m surprised he hasn’t recognised my own shoes being so close to his own.

It takes a while so I cough loudly.

It does the trick and Yuu snaps his head up in surprise, his eyes seeking to adjust as he sees me hovering over him; obviously taking a while to make sure he wasn’t imagining anything.

I’m not sure what to do so I let a small smile pass over my lips.

 _That_ scares him and he shoots to his feet,

“Akira!” he blurts out, and I watch as he takes a couple of wary steps back, “W-What are you d-doing here?!”

I try to act calm and let my hands slip inside the pockets of my jeans, “Checking up on you.” I shrug, my eyes running over his trembling form, clutching his leather bag to his stomach like some sort of sacred artefact, “Do you really think I’d let you go home alone after what I saw this morning?”

Yuu’s eyes drop to his feet; and I’m impressed he’s stuck around this long,

“Come on.” I murmur after a while, “Let’s get you home before your parents worry.”

I make a move to go but he stays rooted to the spot, eyes remaining glued to his toes,

“Yuu?” I ask tentatively, reaching out to tap his shoulder, “Let’s get you home eh?”

“Don’t touch me.” he mumbles, rolling his shoulder back so my hand meets air instead, “I don’t need you to take me home.”

I retract my hand and replace it back in the pocket of my jeans, staring at him even as he continues determinedly not to look me in the eye,

“Alright.” I say simply, making a quick sweep of the area, “But you’re in for a long walk home. All the buses have gone.”

I can tell he doesn’t want to have to raise his gaze, his chin only lifting a millimetre or so as he looks over towards the school gates; silence descending the grounds now that all the students have gone and cars have set off for home again,

“I’d rather walk than be with you anyway.” he says at last, setting a shaky foot forward and pushing past me shyly.

I watch him for a while, though his agonisingly slow pace is somewhat exaggerated,

“Oi.” I call after him, unable to help but smile as he turned around predictably and I throw my car keys towards him; of which he catches in both hands.

I smile as he looks at me awkwardly,

“Get in the car okay?” I say, hoping to sound as friendly as I mean to, “And pick a CD for the road.”

Yuu looks down into his palms, slowly letting the metal object slip from his fingers and onto the concrete path below.

I should have been worrying about how many scratches that’s gonna leave but I don’t. It’s the way his eyes stare at me with such torturing resentment that stops me from doing so. All at once it seems that for a split second, everything in his world has torn apart. Or at least, I’ve somehow upset him more than intended,

“I don’t need you.” he spits at me, stumbling back on his feet before turning to walk away again and I am left, once more, with the dumbfounded position of looking after him. Turning his back on me as though I were nothing more but a stranger in a street,

“Yuu, wait!” I call after him, jogging forward to scoop my car keys from the pavement before following. It pleases me to an extent that he doesn’t attempt to run nor change his pace whatsoever to make it harder for me.

He does, however, give me a glare that’s fit to kill, and I have to work up some sort of courage to get my words out,

“I’m only making sure you’re alright.” I tell him genuinely, sighing as the clouds overhead turn dark and I feel spots of rain land on the shoulders of my jacket, “If you’re worried about me telling someone about the note then you have to believe I’m not going to okay?”

He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even glance at me. He just keeps walking…

_Walking away from me…_

“Yuu –“ I try again, about to lay a hand on his shoulder before I remember the last reaction he’d taken. I drop it to my side instead,

“Look, no matter what happens, I know that you wrote that note for a reason.” I persist, both of us now a considerable distance past the school gates, “And I know you didn’t exactly plan on someone like me finding it when you left that hamper but –“

“- Damn right I didn’t!” Yuu interrupts me, his foot landing in a puddle a little harsher than necessary and I flinch as most of it splashes up my clothes,

“Alright fine!” I huff, “You wanna get yourself in a strop and tuck away inside a little bubble of safety then that’s fine by me but at least let me do something to make it up to you!”

Yuu’s lips purse to the side for a second, “Like what?!” he stops abruptly and I have to catch myself before I bump into him, “Y-You show up at my school! You follow me and then tell me you want to take me home?!” his face his dark as he seethes at me, and I can’t help but focus on that large bruise by his cheek, “I know what you really want to do and I’m not _falling for it!_ ”

“And what is that exactly?” I say lamely, folding my arms across my chest, “You’re worried I’m going to rape you or something?!”

Even in the rain, Yuu’s cheeks manage to grow hot, “N-No…”

“Then what?” I insist, tucking my jacket around me tighter as the rain picks up, now slapping heavily against the pavement,

“You’re going to take me to the police!” Yuu shouts frantically, “I know what you people are like! Y-You all make out to be n-nice and… and caring when in actual fact you don’t care _at all!_ ” I watch sadly as he shakes, rain smoothing down his face that could be greatly mistaken for tears,

“Yuu…” I murmur,

“No.” he shakes his head, “I don’t want you to take me home! Do you hear me?!”

I take a step back; perhaps I’ve pushed him too far,

“Okay... okay.” I say soothingly, as Yuu runs his hands through his hair and turns away from me, his shoulders shaking as he forces himself to breathe.

I regard him for a moment; the poor broken boy… he seems so… so…

_Torn?_

I nod,

“Come to my place then.” I suggest, “You’re going to catch cold standing there like that, hm?”

The shoulders stop shaking then. To a somewhat unrecognised relief of mine, he turns to face me again, his face pale and his expression not only one of anger. It was one of fear.

_But what could he possibly be afraid of?_

I smile gently and hold out a hand; of which Yuu stares at as though he hasn’t seen it before,

“Come on.” I encourage gently, watching the hand resting on the leather strap of his bag tighten until his knuckles turn white,

“Back to your… your place?” he breathes gently, only looking at me to receive a reply and he relaxes when I nod, grabbing my hand almost immediately.

Something warm fills me as his palm meets my own; but perhaps it was relief. Relief that he hadn’t escaped from me again. That he was, maybe, just maybe, beginning to trust me after all.

 

*

 

I had hoped Yuu would settle down a little once we were inside the car; however it became a far sought promise as I glanced at him every now and then. My hands now occupied and with nothing to hold onto, Yuu had instead resorted to scrunching the material of his school trousers. And I swear each time I looked across, that grip had gotten ever tighter,

“Here we are.” I murmur brightly, as the houses came into view up ahead, my poor little cottage drenched from head to toe.

Yuu still hadn’t moved by the time I’d pulled up in the driveway, his fists once again white as stone.

I take off my seatbelt and give him a long stare; Yuu’s eyes diverted past my shoulder and on something in the distance.

I turned around to look too, but found nothing of discomfort or interest and so I turned back around, this time with a stare of concern,

“Yuu?” I ask gently, laying a hand on his knee.

He flinches a little, and his leg is soon gone from under my fingertips,

“It’s okay…” I breathe, watching sadly as he flattens himself against the seat, truly and tangibly afraid.

Of what, I still couldn’t figure out.

*

 

Yuu was still a little timid; even after I’d coaxed him out of the car and into the house at long last.

I turn around from the kettle to see him standing awkwardly in the doorway of the kitchen, his hands clasped tight together now that his leather bag was now hanging safely on the coat rack; out of his grasp,

“Yuu.” I start brightly, and he startles a little at the mention of his name, “You _can_ come in, you know.”

“Oh…” he blushes fiercely, even raising a hand to his cheek as though to conceal it, “S-Sorry.”

I smile gently, and gesture him over towards the bar stools sitting against the counters near me,

“Want me to make you a cup of tea?” I ask gently, frowning when he grimaces, “Or coffee?” I add,

“Umm… c-coffee would be nice.” Yuu stammers nervously, “Th-Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

I try not to watch as he takes a seat, knowing that it would probably unnerve him more if I did. That and I didn’t have to; the creaking that sounded time and again as he tried to get comfy was enough to tell me he was incredibly nervous,

“I-Is it okay?” he blurts out suddenly; so sudden I almost scold myself pouring the hot water, “Me being here, I mean?”

I turn to look at him over my shoulder; his face so concerned and his hands clasped tight together against the counter in front of him that I felt a kind smile pass immediately over my face,

“Of course it is.” I tell him honestly, “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“N-No reason.” Yuu mumbles, twiddling his thumbs as I slide his cup of coffee in front of him, “My parents just tell me it’s bad manners to… to overstay my welcome.”

“Well that’s alright then.” I raise my eyebrows a touch, pouring myself a coffee as well, “You’ve only been here five minutes. You’re nowhere near overstaying.”

He smiles as I turn back around to join him, adding a carton of milk and a pot of sugar to the counter in case he should want any,

“Help yourself.” I tell him gently, as his hand reaches out to take some, before falling shy again and retracting,

“Yuu… I hope you don’t mind me asking but –“ I start as he spoons half a teaspoon of sugar into his cup, “You seem to be nervous of something.”

Yuu’s hand stops stirring and his eyes linger upwards to stare at me,

“H-How do you mean?” he stammers, “I’m not worrying about the note, if that’s what you’re talking about. In fact I don’t even _want_ to talk about that _-_!”

“Okay.” I raise a hand in defence, “I won’t.”

I look at him, with as much concern as what’s left inside of me; I was surprised I had any left with the amount that had been pouring out of me with each stare.

But I was incredibly worried. Even now that I’d successfully managed to do as planned and get him alone in my house, in truth I didn’t know where to turn next.

Should I interrogate him? Ignore his current request and just pressure him into telling me about the note anyway? Well even if I did, where would that get me?

I sigh and look into the steam rising from the cup. Yuu, opposite me, does the same.

Perhaps I should ask a few questions… I can see that bruise on his face even clearer now that his head is tilted towards the sun that way,

“That’s quite a nasty mark on your face.” I note kindly, Yuu immediately blushing and trying to hide it with the choppy strands of his hair, “Where did you get it? A fight at school?”

I wonder if that was a wrong move. He can easily lie and take up my suggestion as a quick answer,

_You don’t care AT ALL!!_

I lower my eyes, even as Yuu sets out a reply,

“N-No.” he tells me solemnly, protectively wrapping a hand around his cheek, “I…I did it on the way home from school.”

I narrow my eyes, his voice going all shaky again; just like it had in the car moments ago,

“How?”

“Fell over.” Yuu mumbles in return, taking a sip of his drink. Not out of thirst but rather as an escapist move to the conversation.

I regard him for a moment, letting my eyes run over his timid complexion. At this rate, my Mr. Nice Guy routine wasn’t going to break him.

I can tell he’s lying. He can barely look me in the eye as it is and he can’t even seem to stop himself from trembling.

Time for a different tactic,

“You know something?” I ask him, silence having descended between us for a while now, “I’d say you were scared of something…”

Yuu’s hands tighten considerably around his cup, his shoulders stiffening as he leans forward to stare deep into the granite of my kitchen counters,

“I’m not scared.” He whispers, “Only the weak get scared.”

I cock my head to the side, “Not always.”

Yuu’s breath comes out somewhat shakily; and something in the way it sounds sends an anxious shiver searing down my spine.

Perhaps I was wrong and he was more damaged than I thought. But I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about him that was disturbing me so,

“I’m bothering you…” Yuu whispered numbly, and I noticed he was staring at my fingertips; shaking against my cup, “I should go…”

I look at my convulsing hands in surprised horror, wondering how the tables had turned within the space of a few minutes,

“Yuu… w-wait!” I call after him, as he slips down from the stool and makes his way to the hallway, “Just hang on a moment, don’t go.”

“Thanks for the coffee.” Yuu says remotely, somewhat robotically, as he grabs his jacket and leather bag and makes for the door.

I can’t help but reach out to grab his arm; the desire to help him now even greater than before,

“What are you doing?” Yuu says, part horror, part disgust as he turns around to face me, his other hand a stretch towards the door handle,

“I never meant to… make you feel uneasy.” I say softly, “I’m just trying to help you…”

“Well I never _asked_ for your damn help.” Yuu hisses, snatching his arm out of my grasp,

“You did when you gave me the note.” I remind him, “And something tells me you still want me around, even though you’re putting on a front and saying you don’t.”

It seems I was correct in my assumption, Yuu’s mouth opening to retort before his words falter and he tugs open my front door harshly,

“Same time tomorrow Yuu?!” I shout after him, “I’ll be here after school if you need me!”

I’m on the receiving end of his middle finger waving at me in mid-air as a reply, but there was a look in his eyes that I saw before he ran away again.

I saw hope.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are like little luffle drops and they make me happy (^o^*)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The full extent of Akira's illness forces Kai to give him an ultimatum.

*

 

The nightmare was vivid.

It pictured me trapped in a glass cocoon. Beyond it lay… _her_ … and Kai holding her hand. She was still the same age as when I first met her, dressed in a cotton pink dress with butterfly and flower designs lacing the hem. Still just a child. A mere innocent fouryear old; minus the snotty nose and food stains around the mouth and fingers.

I tried to scream. I tried to call their names but I couldn’t. Kai just kept staring at me… his dark brown hair laced over his eyes like a dark curtain of deception. I’d never seen him look so cold before. So distant… even though I knew somewhere deep behind those frown lines was a dimple waiting to shine.

He never set it free. And whoever was holding me in this cocoon didn’t either,

“You let me go…” She speaks. She doesn’t sound herself; more like those robot voices you get on answering machines. It echoes loudly in the shadowed room and I feel myself shudder. Perhaps already shivering…

As though she was upset, my dream camera forms a close up on Kai’s hand tightening on hers. A contrast to her words; as though he was trying to outdo me. Prove that he was better at looking after her than I was myself,

“Listen, that’s not true…” I protest weakly. I feel as if I’ve been strangled; the muscles in my throat tight and sore and I guess I’m in some sort of prison. I now realise my hands are bound behind my back and I’m wearing nothing but a beige pair of shorts and a white t-shirt ripped and shredded across my shoulders; the material hanging limply from my malnourished form. I was being tortured at her demand…

“You lie!” She screeches, Kai tugging her gently back as she makes a move towards me; green eyes full of hate, glistening not with tears but with another tainted heartbreak I can’t quite put my finger on. I watch her light brown hair, tied in bunches and plaited down to her shoulders shake as her head does,

“I trusted you!” Her vocabulary is beyond her age; reacting in ways no ordinary kid would. Part of that scares me. Part of me is impressed. But what marks my curiosity more than anything else is what hurt her so much she’s talking this way to me.

A strong feeling says it’s my fault. And somewhere outside my dream, my conscious concurs. It’s been haunting me for years now.

But Kai? Why would he want to take her away from me? He had nothing to do with this…

“Look at the poor girl, Akira.” He mumbles lowly; a sudden reply to my mid-thought processes, “Look at what you’ve done to her…”

Despite myself, my eyes scroll slowly to the shivering girl, now wrapping her arms around herself as she tries to make it stop.

Kai stoops down to curl his arms around her protectively. A very real sense of jealousy tears through my stomach,

“He’s not worth it, honey.” Kai whispers next to her ear, her small form shivering and staring at my feet with tears streaking her delicate cheeks, soft and rosy even in this cold hue, “He had his chance…”

“What chance?!” I shout at them, praying my voice is loud enough to break past my glass chamber as they walk away, “I was never given a second chance!”

They only turn back once; and only half-heartedly as they both look at me from behind their shoulders.

I’m left screaming as they disappear into the darkness beyond.

 

*

 

I wake to the similarly dark space of my bedroom; my eyes jumping open to face the ceiling, cut into quarters by the shadow of my window. It reminded me of the prison my dream had trapped me inside, and I let myself shudder.

My hands tremble as I thread them through the sweaty mass of my hair, the sheets beneath me once again soaked.

That had been the third time I’d dreamt that night. The same nightmare every time…

My heart hurts against my chest as it thuds in unmistakeable terror, and I check the clock to try and calm it down. Remind itself I was safe and nothing could happen to me.

Only it didn’t exactly help when _I_ was the one saying it…

_5:19am…_

I sigh and pick up my cell phone, letting my head burst into pain as light births onto the small screen. I curse inwardly and scroll through my phone book,

_“I’ll always be on the end of the phone for you…”_

I took a deep breath as I let the call connect; praying somehow that what Kai had said that night was true.

It only takes a couple of rings, and he catches me off guard as the answer comes swiftly into my ear,

“You dreamt it again, didn’t you?” He asks immediately, and I sigh as I massage my head; another headache coming on as they had been for the past few hours,

“Yeah.” I croak into the receiver, “But this time, _you_ were in it.”

“Really?” I hear him sit up straighter, rustling around as he probably pulls on an old hoodie for warmth; the chill creeping over my shoulders now instructed it was a good idea to do the same,

“Yeah.” I say again, “I’d never seen you look so... evil before.”

To a small comfort, Kai laughs softly into the receiver; not sleepy one bit. Even though this has been the third phone call he’s had from me in the space of a few hours,

“I suppose I have my hidden talents.” He teases lightly, before he quietens and we suddenly turn serious again, “Aki… if these dreams are recurring, you have to see a doctor…”

“No. I don’t.” I hiss back, jumping from my bed to stroll to the closet, yanking an old wool cardigan from its hangar a little stronger than necessary, “I’ve heard what those smart-ass doctors have to say. No medicine is going to cure what happened that night –“

“I know.” Kai sympathises, “But at least let them try.”

“I have all the help I want.” I persist, “I have you…”

“Aki.” Kai murmurs lowly, “I really think you should go. I can even come with you. I’ll get Kazuki to cover me in the restaurant…”

“Kai, I told you already.” I sigh; even though a small part of me loves him talking to me in this way. In this soft, monotone-like way. As though he was carefully speaking to a child after a nightmare or coming out of a coma. In a way, he knew how vulnerable I had been to the terrors of my dreams these past few years; part of himself blames me for not seeking help for it. As they’d gotten worse, I’d started to blame myself too.

But I don’t need help. I’ve been managing just fine on my own,

“Want me to come over?” Kai asks softly, as I lower myself back into bed once more.

I sigh as my eyes hurt and I screw them up tightly to try and relieve some of the pressure. Yes, I do want him to come over. But no, I don’t either,

  
“You have work in the morning…” I mumble lowly and I flicker a glance to the desk sitting in the far corner of my bedroom. The power button on my laptop flashes on and off again in a small white glow; I’d forgotten to turn it off.

I sigh again, “And so do I…”

Kai lets out a small chuckle, “Now we _both_ know that you can never get your deadlines done no matter how hard you work.”

“Remind me _who_ convinced me to write full-time again.” I smirk.

I hear Kai breathe a small smile into the receiver, “ _And_ that certain someone was right to do so.”

I nod to myself with the corners of my mouth still twitching upwards. He certainly was,

“Well hey, listen.” Kai begins, “I’m gonna get up and take a shower, and then I’ll pop by Starbucks and bring us some breakfast, what do you say?”

Having breakfast with Kai was always something I’d wanted to share with him. But the night before, I could never have. The context I wanted could never happen; a romantic dinner, sex until dawn and then breakfast in bed wrapped in each other’s arms.

It was silly of me to still believe in such things…

“I wouldn’t want you to go to all that trouble…” I whisper,

“Oh nonsense.” Kai huffs, “I’ve been craving muffins for weeks, it’s about time I sank my teeth into one. I’ll even buy you that favourite of yours. Which was it again…?”

I smile gently, “Apple and cinnamon.”

“That was the one. I’ll be over in an hour then…”

I hang up the phone reluctantly; disliking how quiet and empty the room seemed again.

Never mind… Kai would be here soon. He’d be _here_ …

_You left me… You left me for dead…_

I close my eyes, “Don’t start. Not now…”

_You let go… Aki… Aki, you let us go…_

“Sh-Shut up. Just shut up!”

I huff and throw the bed covers out of my way before I let my bare feet touch the carpet. Surprisingly, I find it a struggle to stand back up again, and as the room spins in front of me, I notice my left hand starts to sting.

I close my eyes and reach down to place a hand on the edge of the bed for support. When I open them again, I find the sheets are suddenly damp beneath my palm.

I turn it upwards… let my eyes run over the skin with a sigh.

_You let us go…_

I watch the blood seep between my fingers.

*

 

“You should really be more careful.” Kai tuts, his head shaking disapprovingly as I flinch. He only tightens the bandage more, adding layer after layer until my palm felt it was going to drop off,

“Kai, this really isn’t necessary…” I wince as he tugs again,

“Yeah right.” He scoffs, “Your hand was bleeding for a whole half hour and you never even noticed?” He huffs, winding another stretch of the white material around the back of my hand.

I shrug, “You know me…”

Kai merely sighs; and I watch as he decides eleven layers is quite enough to sustain my injury; tying the two ends of the bandage into a knot by the centre of my knuckles. My eyes hadn’t left his since he came bustling in with two paper Starbucks bags in tow, creating a panic when he saw the dark blood drying against my entire hand and part of my wrist. I’d been subject to his medical attention ever since.

I’d always said that Kai would make a good nurse. The way he held my hand so gentle, I didn’t want him to stop. And he even helped deliver a baby in the front of a car a few years ago. He just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and the poor woman was distraught that a student was the only passer-by to help her out. Turned out she was eating her words by the time she was holding a healthy baby boy in her arms.

All thanks to Kai,

“You should be more careful.” He frowns, throwing the bandage back into a First Aid kit I had kept in one of the kitchen cupboards. Poor Kai had to stand on a stool to return it in its rightful place.

I watch him with a smirk, “I told you, it was an accident.”

“I’d hardly call curling your fists an ‘accident’.” Kai sighs, back on ground again and he looks at me hardly from across the kitchen counter, “Were you thinking about that nightmare again?”

I let my eyes drop shyly to look at my lap. I rest my injured palm between my knees and stroke the bandage gently, thinking about the voices in my head; wondering if there was anything I could do to stop them,

“Aki…”

I look up to see Kai staring at me; that same stubborn look lingering mercilessly behind his eyes. I hated that he knew me so well,

“What?” I mumble, being careful not to clench my fists again,

“You… need help.” He whispers to me, and I let the breath I’ve been holding come out listlessly between my lips,

“No.” I state firmly, “What I _need_ is my apple and cinnamon muffin…”

I reach for the Starbucks bags propped by the sink, only to have Kai snatch the handles and place them on the floor by his feet.

I give him an arduous glare,

“When are you going to accept the reality that you are _never_ going to get over what happened?” Kai seethes, his hands slamming against the counter for effect, “No new house, new car _or_ new town is going to change that!”

I try not to let his words affect me, though by the squeezing taking hold of my stomach at the moment that seemed a bigger challenge than I’d prepared myself for,

“Are you quite finished?” I say quietly, staring back at him through half-lidded eyes.

I admired his countless attempts to look after me; not every friend would bring you Starbucks at six in the morning, but the latter remains. I’d told him a while ago why I was moving this side of Kyoto and he even encouraged the matter so why the hell is he bringing up all of this now?

“No, actually I’m not.” My heart sinks as he stands up and walks over to my side of the kitchen counter, those deep brown eyes fixed solely on my own; merely protected by the thin lenses of my glasses,

“Now you listen to me Akira Suzuki.” Kai lectures, pointing a finger in my direction, “I watched you go through hell. Those _two years_ I watched you suffer the misery and pain of losing the two things that you adored most in your life! You can deny it all you want. And I know you hate to tell people things, including me, but don’t I deserve, _at least,_ that you let me in for once?”

I say nothing, stroking the bandage on my hand as the tears start to form. Already my memory once again treads on places I’d rather not let it take me back to and I have to take a deep breath to keep myself in reality…

“Just let me help you.” Kai continues, and my fingers shake as he takes hold of my good hand, “Aki, you’re distant, you’re having nightmares. You’re not completing your books on time, it’s like you’re running out of inspiration.”

He says this so gently that I have to look at him. To see the kindness in his eyes and those warm fingers consoling my own with a mere squeeze,

“You have to fight this.” Kai reassures, giving me a small smile, “As hard as it is, you have to face up to what happened. Talk to a professional, let out this pain you’ve been holding onto for years, Aki, please.”

He wants me to see a psychiatrist…

I feel my eyes blink slowly, something wet crawling down my cheek until it reaches my chin and disappears onto my night trousers. And despite the fact I was still wearing that wool cardigan, I suddenly felt very chilled,

“You really think… t-talking about it is going to help?” I stammer, my fingers tightening around his own,

“Yes. Aki, I do.” Kai replies earnestly, his thumb brushing my cheekbone and I wonder what he’s doing before I remember the tears that were smoothing there right now, “You carry too much on your shoulders. Living here all alone… everything is here to torment you don’t you see that?”

But I wasn’t alone. For some odd and surprising reason I picture Yuu in my head. The little boy who’s so lost and scared right now and who needs me. Maybe that was what Kai was talking about. I need someone to need _me._

Maybe that will make the voices stop,

“You could even give your sister a call…?” Kai suggests and something stirs in my chest that forces me to suppress a gasp, “Talk to her, talk about the twi-“

“- NO!” I get up so quickly, the barstool topples over and Kai is left staring at it, my hands having ripped from his and I find myself standing by the wall,

“Don’t you dare…” I whisper, feeling myself breaking. Breaking into pieces that couldn’t be rebuilt _or_ pieced back together.

I can feel myself shaking uncontrollably, Kai looking over at me sympathetically from his place by the counter. I can’t breathe… my chest feeling tight and I cry harder when I realise I can’t calm myself down,

“I don’t want to hear their names!” I sob, “Do you hear me?! _Not_ their names!”

Kai holds out his hands, his figure blurring and then un-blurring before me,

“Okay, Aki.” He says gently, “It’s okay…”

“It’s bad enough I hear their own voices!” I scream at him, my trembling hands coming up to hold the sides of my head. I wanted to squeeze them out. Somehow, I had to get them out.

 _All_ … out,

“Do you know what it’s like, Kai, do you?!” I whisper darkly, my own friend looking at me as though I’d gone mad.

Perhaps I had. All this talk of fucking psychiatrists and all…

“Do you?!” I sob at him, my fist connecting with the wall next to me, catching the frame of a painting hanging there although I seriously don’t care whether I knock it off or not. I wanted to rip this house into pieces.

Because Kai was right. Look at what was happening. The nightmares, the voices, the memories, every single fucking part of me that I had tried to escape from was slowly catching up with me and I’m right back where I started!

I must have said it out loud, my throat hurts incredibly as if I’ve just shouted the words at the top of my lungs,

“Every day I hear them…” I whisper even still… as though afraid they might hear me. Somewhere in the back of my head I can feel something waiting… watching… lurking.

And I’m stupid enough to believe they’re actually there,

“They whisper to me…” My knees buckle and I let myself sink to the floor, hugging my legs to me as I recall the sounds they make. The chills that grip me, the images that flash inside my hand by the very utterance of their words, “They sometimes scream… sometimes shout… Kai, they won’t stop.”

Kai watches me sadly, eventually coming over to my side,

“Aki…” Is all he can say,

“They won’t stop…” I shake my head, my teary eyes fixed on the barstool still lying on the floor. Somehow the world around me doesn’t quite seem as it should. Like a shadow on the floor. The sun hiding behind clouds…

“Kai…” I gasp, feeling his arms wrap around me, “Kai… make them go away…”

I hear the distant sound of his sigh against my ear… the audio of everything around me steadily coming back into the way it should,

“I’m here.” Kai tells me, over and over as he rocks me gently, “I’m here, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

I flinch as everything suddenly turns dark. Just minutes ago the sun was coming up…

I’m confused… what’s going on?

I turn to ask Kai…

But he’s not there.

Oh God.

_Aki…_

I can’t breathe… Oh God… I can’t breathe…

_Aki…_

They’re getting closer…

“Kai!!” I scream with every ounce of strength I have left in my voice; the strain so much it cracks under the pressure and the rest of my sentence is screamed voicelessly into an open space; no matter how hard I try, nothing comes out,

“Kai where are you?! Help me… oh God!!”

_You let go…_

It’s so sinister… It’s so cold… I can feel it touching me.

It’s touching me…

*

 

“It’s touching me!! Kai help!! Help me!!”

I feel hands holding my shoulders pinning me down against something soft. I can’t help but let panic take me and I thrash against the force, blindingly knocking at a pair of arms I know will do something sinister to me if I don’t fight back,

“Get away!” I scream loudly, my chest tight and I feel like I’m choking.

But then Kai’s face looms into focus before me; and I recognise that all familiar space that is my living room,

“Aki, just calm down…” Kai murmurs again, his hands slacking a little against my trembling shoulders and I see that the cushions I’d neatly fluffed and set on my sofa last night were now lying askew on the floor.

I grimace as a headache thrashes against my skull all of a sudden; with a groan I lay a hand over it to try and soothe the pain, noticing my palm soaked in my own sweat,

“Did you hit your head?” Kai asks immediately, and I try to look at him properly,

“I-I…” I look around me for some kind of clue, “I-It touched me… _They_ touched me, Kai…”

My friend merely meets my eyes with a kind smile, “No, no, Aki. It was just a dream…”

I let my perspiring hand fall back onto the sofa with a soft thump, “No…” I emphasise, “You brought me breakfast and I cut my hand so you…” I had to take a breath, trying to let the horrors fade from my mind, “… You bandaged it up and then… and then…”

“And then I mentioned you should see a psychiatrist.” Kai continues for me matter-of-factly, “Then you punched the wall and sat on the floor. And you got upset so I came to sit next to you and the next thing I know you’d passed out in my arms.” He explains sympathetically, with a small shrug as though it was no big deal, “I had to carry you over here.”

I blink… “I… passed out?” I murmur, a little numbly.

Kai nods in front of me, and I bring up my bandaged hand to touch the soft material. It was a reminder of sorts,

“I’m so sorry.” I whisper.

Kai rubs my thigh; I never even realised he’d been holding it all this time, “Don’t be silly.” He gives a soft smile, “You’d had a rough night. Maybe you should sleep here for a while…”

I shake my head roughly, pushing myself to sit up straighter, “No… I-I can’t. I have…” My mind flashes back to my conversation with Yuu yesterday, “… Things to do.” I finish dryly.

Kai cocks his head to the side, “Like what? Finish your next chapter?” He shakes his head disappointedly, “Not on my watch, you’re not. Not in this state. Come on, you need to eat.”

I find my body is aching all over once I try and move. Kai stands up to go in the kitchen and fetch the breakfast he’d bought for us earlier and so I swing my legs to try and sit properly. The room spins momentarily and I have to close my eyes; holding my head in my hands as I try to push the nightmare and that strong feeling of discomposure away.

Kai returns moments later with my muffin on a small plate and a coffee in a tall polystyrene cup,

“Here.” He lays them on the oak coffee table in front of us, clasping his hands as he looks at me expectantly.

I choose to look back, “What about yours?”

Kai shrugs and flickers a glance at the leather strapped watch on his wrist, “I need to get to the restaurant soon.” His voice is almost regrettable, “I’ll have to eat mine on the way.”

I scrunch my lips to the side and stare at the muffin sitting perfectly in the middle of the plate. My stomach grumbles in anticipation but I make no move to eat it,

“Wh-What time is it?” I’m annoyed at how shaky my voice still sounds,

“Almost 7am.” Kai lays a hand on my shoulder, “You were out for quite some time.”

I groan softly at this news, rubbing my hand over my forehead as my headache remains quite stubbornly above my left eyebrow, “Sorry about that. You should get going then huh?”

Something feels awkward between us. I’m not sure what it is but maybe it was the scene Kai had witnessed before I’d fainted. I don’t think he’d ever seen me quite as upset as that before. It only sinks my uneasiness further…

Kai’s still turned to face me, but as I dare to catch his gaze I find he’s looking down at my feet,

“Maybe you should come to the restaurant with me today.” He thinks out loud,

I scoff, “I don’t need babysitting…”

Another sideward glance is offered my way, “Aki…” Kai begins,

“I’m _fine._ ” I insist, “Look –“ I yank the plate off the table and prop it on my knee, beginning to peel  back the paper muffin cup.

I catch Kai smiling in the corner of my eye, “It’s going to take a lot more than a muffin to make you okay, Akira.”

My fingers hesitate as I go to remove a chunk of the muffin,

“Maybe…” I manage a smile, “But I’m working on that.”

Kai seems curious as I place the chunk I’d taken inside my mouth, tasting the cinnamon and apple blending delightfully inside my mouth and I hum happily; for a moment it helps me forget the nightmare of the night. Helped with the image of Yuu,

“Oh yeah?” My friend asks, eyes watching me as I go about robbing my muffin of yet another piece, “And what’s that then? What’s so amazing that it’s going to help these voices go away and your nightmares stop, hm?”

I pick up my coffee and take a small sip, liking the warm comfort it gives me and my headache subsides slightly,

“Just trust me.” I smile.

*

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira tries to uncover the truth from Yuu when a phone call from Kai has dramatic implications...

*

 

The next time I saw Yuu, it wasn’t behind the iron bars of school gates or the small, awkward space of my car.

It was in fact through the chilling mist of a foggy autumn afternoon the following week; me standing surprised at my front door with Yuu cowering timidly on my doorstep; mirroring his impression the first time we met.

Despite my fatigue over my sleepless night, I let my tired eyes wander over his complexion; perhaps searching for something new. Of what, exactly, I wasn’t sure.

Nothing had changed except for the bruise on his face, which was now a sickly shade of yellow. Other than that, Yuu dressed himself the same as always; from his assortment of dark blue jeans and a jumper tightly fitting his skinny little form. Only today he was wrapped tightly in a knitted grey scarf, holding his school bag with shivering hands in front of his knees.

His head was down to the floor as usual, and as he stood there trembling I stared at the brunette strands of his hair, damp and frail with the afternoon chill…

“I… didn’t know where else to go.” Yuu mumbles at last, his head tilting an inch my way, until I could almost see his eyes.

I’m touched for a moment. Today he seemed so fragile. More than the past times I’ve spoken with him… watched him. Like he was disintegrating before my eyes. But right now, he looked just as shy and scared as a tiny child, and I figured it was for that reason alone that I stepped forward swiftly and placed a warm hand on his shoulder.

I expected him to startle, only he didn’t, instead taking one of his trembling hands and reaching down deep inside his leather bag, producing a thick paperback book; some of the pages withered and ripped on the inside,

“I need help with this.” Yuu tells me, holding the book out to me so I could read the title,

“English language and Culture?” I blink, meeting his eyes at last; dark and hollow as he nods,

“My homework.”

*

 

I was back to our last routine; busying about making coffee while Yuu stood still as stone against the doorway to my kitchen.

Only this time I kept my eyes firmly on our mugs.

I watched the cream filter inside the cup as I poured it in, somehow a little disheartened that Yuu had only dropped by for a little homework help. When I’d first opened that door to him; his expression the perfect match to today’s weather, I had hoped that he’d thought my words through and returned to...

Apologise?

Foolish really. To think he would open up to me so soon… I mean, he’s just a kid. And whatever’s going on; be it with the note or not, I know it’s eating him up inside.

But he’s so damn defensive. The only thing left for me to do now is to let him open up on his own. _If_ he ever will…

“Alright…” I breathe through my nose calmly, careful not to show my annoyance and I notice Yuu flinch as I let the teaspoon I’d been holding clatter on the counter with sharpening effect, “Show me what you need help with.”

Yuu comes to sit on the same stool as last time; both of us once again separated by the island of my kitchen counter.

His textbook was already set on the surface and I arranged our coffee cups around it. No pot of sugar this time; I’d learned from before that he only took one with his coffee and so had already taken the liberty,

“You’re not mad are you?” Yuu whispers into this uncomfortable air now surrounding our shoulders.

I shrug back at him, pulling up a barstool as I sit across from him, “Why would I be?”

“It’s just that I…” Yuu runs a tongue over his bottom lip cautiously, one of his pale hands lifting to tug timidly on the scarf still wrapped tight around his neck, “I-I was a little rude last time I was here…”

I remember the middle finger he had poised mid-air to me as he stalked away from my house and suddenly sigh,

“Yeah, well. By now I should be used to your attitude.”

He stares at me while I sip my coffee nonchalantly, reaching for his textbook before we get into another argument like we did outside the school,

“So are you going to show me this or not?” I ask, flipping through the pages but honestly having no clue what I’m looking for,

“It’s page 63.” Yuu mumbles, somewhat forcibly, as though he was struggling to keep a calm composure. But then again, he couldn’t exactly provide anything to support his argument; he _had_ treated me pretty roughly these past few weeks. And I, for some stupid reason, put up with it as usual.

I turn to the page he instructs and it rests on the subject of English verbs; a few of the answer boxes scribbled in by Yuu already, before, I assumed, he’d gotten stuck and failed to complete the rest,

“So this is what you’re having trouble with?” I sip my coffee again, letting it burn my tongue and I hiss noticeably,

“Yeah.” Yuu replies, his thumbs turning over themselves as he fiddles with them atop the counter, “Do you know much English? I mean, you write books so I just assumed…”

I nod as he trails off, flickering a glance at him for the first time in a while; at his tired, watering eyes and sorrowful gaze returning my own. Unnecessarily, I imagine how lovely it would be for me to see him smile,

“Of course.” I smile weakly, “I even translate my own books into the English language to be sold overseas.”

“Really?” he murmurs, a little laced with surprise, “That’s… really cool.”

I feel my head slanting to the side,

“How else do you think I can afford that Mustang?” I jerk a thumb over my shoulder and Yuu dips his head and almost laughs. It isn’t quite a laugh though; somewhere between that and a sigh. Still, no hint of a smile passes over his face,

“Okay…” I breathe, pulling open a drawer to my right, stacked with important letters I should have read months ago and I take out a pen,

“Let’s get started then hm?”

 

*

 

As I expected, it didn’t take me too long to have Yuu master the art of the English verb use and pairing it with subjective pronouns.

In fact, we were done within the hour and I suggested we have another coffee and a bite to eat to celebrate.

Yuu was, as ever, unsurprisingly timid throughout most of the afternoon; though he was a good student. I adored the way he bit his lip when he was concentrating on something I was explaining, or stuck out his tongue when scribbling away words in Latin typeset; concentrating intently. He was a very bright kid; and I felt a little guilty that upon my first impression of him, I’d taken him for a drug dealer lookalike,

“So do you enjoy studying English?” I call over my shoulder as I tilt the kettle towards our cups for a second time, hearing Yuu closing his books behind me and shuffling in his chair,

“It’s okay I guess…” he speaks shyly and I let a smile stretch my cheeks, “I mean, I’ve always wanted to learn it because I like to write songs so –“

He stops so sharply that I turn to face him; to find his lips pursed and his hands clenched into fists on his lap.

I regard him sadly; he really doesn’t like talking about himself. Not about the note, not about the bruise on his face… not about any part of his life at all,

“It’s okay, Yuu.” I say gently, “You don’t have to be shy.”

“Maybe…” Yuu breathes exasperatedly, staring at his hands with exaggerated interest.

That awkward silence that had been lingering in the background over our shoulders finally breaks into the atmosphere and I struggle with another word to say. I knew for certain that Yuu wasn’t the type to break silence. Instead I concentrate on adding sugar to our cups and stirring excessively. I wondered what to do once I stopped…

I bring our drinks over towards him, where I find his gaze diverted from his fingernails and fixated on something on the far wall; though there was only a white stone fireplace and a couple of paintings there to stare at; and in all honesty they weren’t _that_ much of an interest,

“You kept it…” Yuu mumbles, almost inaudible and I strain to hear as he suddenly stands and rushes over to the fireplace like it’s a burning building,

“Yuu?” I place our coffees down carefully, eyeing him when he wafts the piece of paper he’d snatched towards me,

“You _kept_ this?!”

His voice breaks and I realise I’d probably placed his note there absent-mindedly one night and not thought about it.

But for him to get so worked up about it…

“Yuu…” I begin gently, holding out my hands as he glares at me coldly, “I just put it there randomly, I’ve _barely_ thought about it!”

Lie number one,

“Yeah right!” Yuu scoffs, gazing at his own handwriting shaking in his fingers, “I bet you wer-were gonna call the police again weren’t you?!”

“No, I swear I didn’t even _think_ about calling the police!!” I feel like wringing his neck, and I feel my face grow hot as I shout at him,

“ _What_ is it with you Yuu huh?!” The words are out before I can stop them, and Yuu quickly scrunches the note he’d written tight in his trembling palm, “You’re _terrified_ of the police, I know you’re in some kind of trouble because of that fucking note! Plus the fact you wrote to a stranger to help you!”

Yuu’s gaze drops to the floor, and I catch a few tears running down his cheeks, which makes me stop and rethink my tone of voice and the way I was projecting it. Yuu seemed already too used to volatile circumstances, and I knew better than to lose my temper and fall weak to the frustration my emotions were kicking my knees towards,

“Okay… I’m sorry I shouted.” I murmur gently, as Yuu stands still as stone in the centre of my living room; our coffee cups steaming inches away from us, “I didn’t mean to scare you or…” Another tear falls to the carpet beneath our feet, “… Make you feel terrible.” I finish dryly, “But Yuu, can’t you understand that I just want the truth from you?”

I watch miserably as Yuu’s shoulders heave and he struggles to control it,

“Yuu, come on…” I extend a hand in his direction, so desperately wanting him to take it, “Just tell me what it is. Tell me what’s wrong… come on.”

Yuu barely has time to open his lips as I’m cut off by the far off blare of a phone ringing, and I sigh as I debate briefly whether to answer it or not,

“Just wait here.” I unintentionally growl in Yuu’s direction, catching the way his eyes water as I stomp frustratedly into my hallway, snatching the receiver off its hook with a fiery hand.

I was so close…

“Yes?” I hiss impatiently, only for that to dissipate immediately the minute I heard Kai’s voice greet mine like a solemn ballad,

“Is this a bad time?”

I sigh, “Oh, Kai… I’m sorry. I really am...” I feel my stomach drop; the emotions from mine and Yuu’s argument tripping over themselves inside me and I knew I was going to have trouble controlling them, “How are you?”

His voice sounds hollow when he starts to speak… strange. I didn’t like it, and an unknown unsettlement rested deep in my stomach; immediately sending my anger away,

“Not good, Aki. It’s… It’s not good.” Kai’s tone was barely that of a whisper,

“What do you mean?” I talk back to him as softly as I could, “Kai, has something happened? Are you okay?”

There was a really long pause, and I hear Yuu’s foreign footsteps come closer behind my shoulder, feeling him peer at me in simple curiosity. Though I knew there was no time to finish arguing with him,

“Kai…” I encourage slowly, hearing a long intake of breath on the other end of the line and the distant chatter of nobody’s behind him,

“Aki, it’s… it’s U-Uruha...” Kai struggles to say at last, and the very battle of which he is trying to face with himself renders my heart completely,

“… He’s been in a car accident.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A bit of a slow chapter, just to ease me back into it again ~ apologies for that guys ^^" But I'm hoping the next will be a lot more exciting now that I know for certain where it's heading! (^o^*)
> 
> Sooo on another note!!!! LE DRAMAAAAA! *shot* What do you think guys? Will Uruha be dead? Alive? WIll Akira take advantage of Kai at this moment?? (O////O) All shall be revealed soon!! *skips off* Your comments are much appreciated lovelies!! *gives basket of luffles*


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira rushes to the hospital to be with Kai as the pair learn more of Uruha's accident. VERY KaixRei centered~ will focus on these two on next chapter too ^^

*

 

I had never liked hospitals; the pastel green walls, slippery sterilised floors, that overpowering smell of disinfectant that made your eyes trickle sore with tears.

It was supposed to be a place of healing; where many of us should feel comforted and reassured that the strangers here are going to help us… give us a new chance at life. If not that then at the very least try to save it.

They were heroes, these doctors… or so I’d thought. A very ideology I’d strayed from in my novels; writing only of the horrors a hospital can bring you instead.

I knew Kai was one of those people right now.

I knew I should be at home, writing my next chapter and eagerly pushing myself to finish my newly given deadline but I knew the minute Kai called me, I just couldn’t leave him to go through this alone.

I could tell by the very sound of his voice. All this time… all these _years_ Kai has been trying to help me, it was about time I turned the tables and did the same for him.

Though, I did feel bad for leaving Yuu so abruptly like that. The teen had given me such a discarded look, and I knew I wasn’t wrong in seeing the upset lingering behind his eyes. I had ushered him out of my house without so much as a full explanation, leaving him to watch alone on the street as I stepped into my car and drove away without him…

_“Akira, what’s wrong? Has something happened?!”_

For some reason, I felt that it was unsuitable to tell Yuu about such a thing. If he’d already had enough problems going for him, filling him in on my side of life wasn’t exactly fair. Or maybe it was just my way of dealing with Uruha’s accident.

To this moment I still feel ugly. Ugly and disgusted with myself that the moment Kai told me, my heart had leapt. Just a little. But just for a moment, with the possibility of Uruha being dead on the horizon I had had the sickening feeling of joy in my heart over that. The joy that Kai would finally lose Uruha and I would be there for him as he went through it. An opportunity for him to fall in love with me again…

Such horrible thoughts, I’m well aware. But that didn’t stop me from dropping everything to run to Kai’s need.

Because he _did_ need me after all. As horrible a person I know I am for rejoicing over another human’s accident; let alone the boyfriend of the love of my life, I remained unsure whether I wanted Uruha to recover or not.

It had just turned 9pm when I’d finally found my way to A&E and frantically asked the woman at reception if she knew of Uruha’s whereabouts. She told me he was currently undergoing surgery, which had my heart throbbing painfully again; surgery wasn’t the best of news. I knew instantly then it was much more serious than I had anticipated, but I distracted myself by requesting where Kai might be.

Following the receptionist’s directions I found him wandering aimlessly down the corridor to the family waiting room. My heart clutched there and then the minute I saw him, and aside from a nurse occasionally appearing in and out of a side room, there was only the two of us here. Perhaps that made it more eerie; both of us locked together in tragedy, nothing but plain white walls and the distant sounds of foreign machinery beeping and echoing all around us.

I feel my chest tighten as I walk closer; spotting the redness of Kai’s eyes… the paleness of his skin… the sheer terror and worry casting unwelcome shadows across his face,

“Kai.” I call to him, when I’m in close enough proximity, and when, through all his pacing, he’s finally turned to face me.

I can’t help but feel a part of me shatter when he looks up at my call, a tired and weary stare meeting my own. He looked so lost, knowing the life of the one he loved was lingering at such a dangerous edge, and there was nothing he could do.

I hated seeing him so scared, so upset… so heartbroken. The very sight of his tears had me fighting to stay strong for him, and I only stepped a little closer when he couldn’t come back with anything to say,

“A-Aki…” Kai’s voice managed at last, and I barely caught his sob when he nearly ran forward and I caught him in my arms.

I felt warmth resonate from deep within me at the way he clung to me, pressing his head tight into my shoulder, his fingers holding onto me like he needed me more than anything else in the world right now.

I squeezed him tight to me, not ever wanting to let him go, not for the slightest second. Time felt like it had slowed down, and everything else faded into the background… as though we were underwater. And that included the very reason why we were here like this together,

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Kai whimpered against me, so sweet and yet so sad my emotions didn’t know where to turn,

“Where else would I be?” I whispered softly, stroking the strands of his soft brown hair, “Are you okay? What happened?”

Kai tilts his head so his chin rests on my shoulder instead of his forehead, and I feel the swallow come hard in his throat,

“Hit and run.” He sniffed, his voice breaking, “Police were chasing a car from the highway and… Uru was coming home from a friend’s when the traffic lights turned green -.”

Kai trembled against me and I tried rubbing his back to calm him down,

“- There was no way he could have known.” The first cry came soft, and I shushed him gently, “They were at a crossroads and they just… hit head on…”

“… It’s okay, it’s okay...” I tell him soothingly, running my fingers through his hair over and over; something I knew comforted him, though my words seemed far from the same. Kai had always stated the irony in me being a novelist; being a master of words, yet when the time came, I never had the right thing to say.

What he didn’t know was that assumption wasn’t entirely true when it came to himself. I knew him inside out, and I was in love with him. There are _too_ many things I want to say to him,

“He’s in surgery right now.” Kai is still talking to me on my shoulder, part of me trying not to imagine the look on his face right now; the tears that would be falling… “Th-They said he had broken ribs and was bleeding internally but I –“ Another sob shakes the both of us, “They’ve been in there so long I don’t know what’s happening a-anymore!”

I sigh quietly and start rocking him side to side, “I’m sure they’re doing everything they can, Kai. Just give them some time; I’m sure we’ll know what’s happening soon.”

Kai nods a little weakly, probably trying to get himself to believe me. I know he’s going through hell, and it just makes me all the more determined to do everything I can,

“Have you eaten anything?” I ask him, pulling away and watching sadly as Kai rubs his eyes and shakes his head,

“No… I-I can’t even think about food right now.”

“Yes, you can.” I say, taking hold of his shoulders and bending my knees to try and catch his gaze as he directs it to his feet, “How about I head to the cafeteria and pick us up a sandwich to share, hm? I’ll ask about Uruha on the way there too, okay?”

Kai doesn’t argue with me, just gives me another nod and I watch as he sinks into the line of waiting room-like chairs against the wall, me feeling a little helpless once I feel the air touch my fingertips,

“Don’t leave.” He whispers, “Can you stay? Just until Uruha comes out of there?”

I try to smile, taking the seat beside him,

“I’ll stay as long as you need me to.” I tell him gently, taking his hand and squeezing it tight, “Everything’s going to be okay, Kai, I promise you.”

“What if it doesn’t?” Kai asks me, his eyes shining as he lifts his head to look at me; so completely torn for the truth, some guidance, some comfort… “Aki, what if Uruha doesn’t get better? What if… What if he dies in there?”

“No, no, come on…” I soothe gently, as Kai leans forward and starts sobbing into his knees, “Kai, don’t think like that, come on…”

“Aki, if I lose him…” Kai cries, and I wrap my other arm around him, grateful as he falls against my chest and is once again holding my jacket tight in his fingers, “If I lose him I don’t know what I’ll do!!”

He breaks off to let himself cry, and I can only do the same, no matter how much it hurts me to see him caught up in so much self damage,  
“Shhh baby.” I whisper, the latter word completely inaudible as I mouth it to the tainted air around us, “It’s okay, I’m here…”

I touch the strands of his hair again; my only hope in trying to stroke away Kai’s fear and premature grief,

“ _I’m_ here…”

*

 

I wasn’t sure how long Kai was crying against me for, nor how long we were sat there waiting for the slightest bit of news, but it must have been at least an hour when a female doctor dressed in pale green scrubs came from beyond the end of the corridor to greet us.

Kai had reduced himself to nothing but shaky whimpers as he’d cried himself out, and I was left holding a broken man tightly in my arms, the pair of us saying nothing, only listening to the sounds of the hospital as a means of passing by the time.

Kai held onto my thigh with both hands once he saw the nurse, itching forward eagerly,

“How is he?” It was like he was almost afraid to know and I took the hands trembling against the layer of my jeans,

“He’s out of surgery.” The doctor told us; a fragile looking woman in her mid-thirties who looked as though she’d been in the same job too long and needed a change of scenery. From the impression I gathered walking through here I could understand her reasons,

“Is he okay?” Kai cut her off mid-sentence, as she began to take a breath for the incoming words.

The look on her face wasn’t a reassuring sign,

“We’re going to take him into Intensive Care…” she explained gently, “In the initial X-Ray, we discovered that several of Uruha's ribs are broken. In turn, this has caused punctures in his lungs -"

"Oh my God..." Kai barely whispered, and I held onto him tighter,

"... So we’ve sedated him and he’s going to be kept on an increased dosage of oxygen intake…” The doctor continued, carefully. 

She might as well have been giving us a speech for a business proposal; her words dull and blunt… beyond all sense of sensitivity,

“Is he going to be alright?” Kai asked her, his voice quivering at almost the same rate as his hands and I squeezed what reassurance I could into them,

“It’s hard to say at the moment.” She grimaced, “The impact of the collision has resulted in a fractured skull and we’ll need to do an additional scan to check for any brain damage.”

“… Brain damage…” Kai echoed, almost voicelessly,

“Of course time will tell and there’s only a 40% chance at this stage.” The doctor continues, but I don’t look at her; only at Kai, standing on his tiptoes at a ledge of despair, “I’ve ordered a CT scan, and we should know the results in a matter of hours.”

I feel the pressure increase in my hands as Kai squeezes my fingers ever tighter and I murmur a small reassurance under my breath,

  
“C-Can I see him?” Kai manages at long last, and before I know it we’re being led down another hallway, completely identical to the one we had spent the last two hours residing in. Nausea settled inside me as I forced one foot after the other, knowing what we were about to face was something I don’t think either of us were ready for. The sight of death, the sickly air surrounding our shoulders… Uruha lying dreary and alone on a cold bed surrounded by strangers and machines.

I certainly couldn’t rid this eerie feeling…

I knew Kai wouldn’t handle it either.

*

 

It was one of those special intensive units. A ward where the only access was pushing a button to the side of an automatic door. What lay beyond such a security controlled entrance was much more mechanical…

Machines… everywhere.

There was no one else lying on a bed here, not as helplessly unconscious as Uruha was. As I walked slowly along with Kai to Uruha’s bedside, I calmly let my eyes wander over his broken body, the bandages entwining his skull, the casts on his arms and legs… he was barely recognisable. No longer the beautiful man Kai adored,

Kai let out a small cry that nearly had him falling to his feet, but I held him upright as tightly as I could,

“Kai, it’s okay…” I whisper, though suddenly he comes to a dead stop yards away from his comatose lover, hooked up to a bleeping machine with wires that couldn’t have covered more of Uruha’s skin if they tried,

“I-I can’t…”

I stare at him, “Kai, come on, yes you can…”

“I _can’t_ …” He tells me, shaking his head weakly as his eyes stare hollowly ahead, directly into the frailness of Uruha’s current well-being. I knew it scared him beyond belief,

“I know it’s a shock.” The doctor said beside us, her presence all too near forgotten, “But he’s in good hands.”

The way Kai looks at me resembles that of a saw. Carving me in half until I’ve completely broken apart, detached limb from limb… I couldn’t bear it,

“Aki… I can’t do this.”

_I can’t do this by myself._

*

 

The next few days were incoming hell; for the pair of us.

Uruha flat lined at least three times that night. When before I had been relieved at the prospect, the moment it actually happened had terrified me to the core. Karma had laid a very cruel hand on my shoulder that turned me cold with bitterness that night. And it hadn’t left me since.

Served me right after all…

It was only after such a moment that Kai’s mind had seemed to snap into gear and he realised his priorities. It took everything I had to try and get him to leave the hospital and get some rest at home. Selfishly I had even suggested he come and stay with me so he wasn’t alone.

All that was there to answer me was a small shake of the head; so numb it was as though Kai wasn’t exactly sure of what he was saying no to.

But I stayed with him. I stayed with him as long as I could manage.

I didn’t come home until the following Saturday, almost near 10 ‘o clock. Greeted by the stone cold darkness of an empty hallway and semi-abandoned household. Funnily, it had felt as though I hadn’t returned to this house in years; creaks, groans and dripping water echoed all around me and I realised in that moment that being away from Kai already seemed so foreign and misguided.

I knew I needed to soak in a hot bath and at least _try_ to relax; sitting for a prolonged amount of time in stiff, metal chairs had taken its toll. That and I needed a soother to stop me worrying so much.

My selfish paradigm of a second personality knew that it wasn’t anything to do with Uruha; it was swinging more in Kai’s direction, of course. I wondered if he’d really be okay all by himself like he promised he would, if he would eat, if he would sit there and stare at Uruha for hours and hours, imagining what it would be like to lose him.

I wondered if I’d left him to cry alone… and it broke my heart.

The hours that followed had been a gruelling test of my emotional restraints. Tossing and turning in bed, I could hear my neighbours back to their usual shouting façade, despite my presumption that the healthy distance between our houses was sufficient to quieten their shrieks.

Turns out I couldn’t be more wrong, and I heard the sound of their teenage son bellow back at them in just as much force as his parents. I thought about shouting back at them from my window, though knew if I planned on living here for the next twenty or so years, this wasn’t such a good time to invest in neighbourly war.

So I let myself lie awake in the darkness of fall, waiting for them to calm down and settle into sleep. Nightmares greeted me the minute they had silenced enough for me to close my eyes and I found the next couple of nights wound themselves into the same harrowing routine.

Try as I might, I still couldn’t get Kai to come home from the hospital and take a break away from there. One afternoon, he finally worked himself up to shout down the phone at me, and it was the very first time I had ever heard a dial tone sound from Kai’s end of the line at me.

As much as it tore me up inside, I regretfully decided I couldn’t push the matter so let things slide, throwing myself into work and writing my book as much as I could; though the sentences that meshed together inside my head soon became a loose knot of adjectives and nouns that didn’t make any sense together, and I soon gave up.

There was no sign of Yuu either. I figured he was probably still out of sorts with me after I had raced to Kai’s aid and not his the other day. Not that I could blame him, he was still angry for me having kept his hastily written plea for help hidden on my mantelpiece anyway. Though his lack of appearance at my home had started to unsettle me, and I did wonder if it was just from a lack of human company. Sometimes the heavy feeling in my head told me the opposite.

It was at this very time the next Tuesday night that the sound of knuckles against wood had my heart leaping alive again… even if it wasn’t the person I had expected to see.

As accustomed as I was to seeing broken human beings standing rigidly on my doorstep, I certainly hadn’t expected Kai to be one of them.

He had driven here in the rain, his recently shampooed hair damp and frizzy with fresh raindrops, most of them dripping from the spikes of his hair ends and onto my welcome mat. His clothes hadn’t changed from the night I had last been with him; still in his old blue T-shirt and grey jeans, a loose jacket thrown over his shoulders as a last minute addition; I could see by the way it sagged unevenly over his shoulders.

It scared me how skinny he looked,

“I’m sorry.” He blurted out the minute I had opened the door, his pale hands trembling either side of him and I saw the tears already forming in his heavy, tired eyes, “I’m so sorry, Aki, I’m so sorry!!”

I didn’t need to say anything, wrapping my arms around him as I had three nights ago, only thankful he had come to me this time, it was _me_ he had been looking for,

“It’s okay…” I murmured into his hair, as he stood motionless and clinging to me as the rain showered all around us, and I spied a figure watching from afar, stood still as stone on the path across the street.

I didn’t need to look to know who it was,

“You’re here now.”

 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Poor little sweetie (; ;) *hugs Kai* Just so you know, the next chapter will be very Reita x Kai orientated too but!! Don't you worry my little bundles of loveliness, Yuu will make an appearance too; and a very drastic one at that. Stay tuned!!! *rolls away*
> 
> Your comments are much adored my lovelies :3 <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reita comforts Kai as he learns the consequences of Uruha's mental state after the accident.

*

 

Kai was cold and shivering underneath my fingers when I led him inside, and he didn’t seem to mind that I had retreated upstairs and found a thick woollen blanket to wrap around his shoulders afterwards. The tea I’d made for him was left untouched and barely steaming on the coffee table in front of him, and as I wrapped an arm around his shoulders once more, sat on my sofa together as we listen to the heavy rain pelting my windows outside, I feared something had happened at the hospital,

“Are you okay?” I asked stupidly, but it was the only thing I could think of to say, Kai’s figure remaining very numb and detached from life itself, it seemed, and he continued to stare vacantly into the space in front of him.

Eventually he shook his head wearily, then took a heavy intake of air before he turned slightly in my direction, though his eyes remained directed towards his knees,

“Uruha woke up.”

It was the way he said it that made me stare at him strangely. He wasn’t happy about that in the slightest, or if he was he really wasn’t making an effort to show it,

“… And?” I asked after a moment’s small silence,

“ _And_ that son of a bitch who ran him over turned my boyfriend into a completely different person.” Kai swallows hard, with a small shake of his head and I take the saucer his cup of tea is resting on, offering it to him,

“What happened?” I asked carefully, acknowledging that Kai _never_ swears. Ever. He only used profanities in highly extreme cases and that was sincerely worrying me,

“He didn’t want to know me at first.” Kai started sadly, after he had taken a sip of the tea like I’d urged him to before placing the saucer to rest on his knees, “He asked who I was, where _he_ was, what had happened…” He trailed off with the workings of a laboured breath and I felt it was alright for me to take his hand and squeeze it softly, to which he returned a grateful little smile,

“But then, after I’d filled him in on all the details, it was like he had never forgotten me.” Kai’s eyes sparkled as they met my own at last, and a soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips, though failed to show as something stronger yanked on the imaginary rope his lips were emotionally tied to, and his smile pulled back,

“It was only on Saturday when he started to change.” Kai sniffed and rubbed at the corner of his eye with a fist, though I hadn’t even noticed a tear slip, “I was plumping up his pillows and he pushed me away. Then I took his water to freshen up and he snatched it from my hand and threw it all over me.” Another pause, and his fingers started to tremble against mine,

“It’s alright…” I whispered, sensing his embarrassment at telling me such a thing,

“Things turned worse after that.” Kai told me, very near to tears and I wished there was something more I could do, “He started screaming at me. He told me hated me, that he never wanted to see me again.”

My stomach rejoiced at this news… My soul was disgusted with such a gesture,

“I’ve tried everything.” I watched Kai’s bottom lip tremble and I itch closer to him on the couch, taking the cup of tea from his shaking knees and placing it back on the coffee table; it was probably stone cold now anyway, “I tried talking to him, reasoning with him, even asking him why he suddenly felt this way.”

“Then what?” I whispered, running laps over Kai’s knuckles with my thumb,

“And then he told me I was just getting in the way.” Kai shrugged, his fist dabbing his eyes again as more tears came, “He said he wanted to be alone rather than seeing me day in day out. He said I was only there because I felt guilty about what happened…”

I was horrified that Uruha would say such a thing, “But, Kai it wasn’t like _you_ were driving the car that knocked into him, he had _no right_ to say that!”

Kai winced at my tone but I couldn’t help my anger. When it came to Kai, my defences immediately kicked into gear and I wasn’t ashamed of it. Kai of all people should remember the promise I made when he first started going out with Uruha; that if he should ever hurt him I would kill him. Of course Kai probably saw this as friend-to-friend banter, but to me I was incredibly serious; especially as at the time I was still swimming deep in heartbreak over Kai’s rejection.

Once Uruha is fully recovered, I’m going to make that car crash look like a simple fall in the park,

“But maybe he’s right.” Came the quiet voice in front of me, “Maybe I am just staying there and looking after him because I feel bad about what happened.”

It tore me up inside that I would even mention such a thing, but I had to remind him for pity’s sake,

“But Kai… you love him.”

Poison injected my tongue in such a context,

“I know.” Kai nodded, “But my feelings for him seem far from strong at the moment. All he does is hate me. I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I’m beginning to hate him too.”

I bit my lip gently as I figured out what reassurance I had to offer. When I had none, all I did was squeeze Kai’s hand tighter, only Kai was the one who surprised me as he moved to lean his head against my shoulder, his free hand resting at the middle of my chest.

My heart was beating so fast it hurt, but I felt such warmth resonate at his actions. Tempted to kiss his hair, I hesitantly stopped myself and leant my head against it instead,

“I never thought it would be this hard…” Kai whispers against my T-shirt, the outside rain nearly drowning out his words and the strong emotion laced within them.

I squeezed him tighter to me, nothing to offer him but silence and I stared out the window; having forgotten to close my curtains and I watch the dashes of rain tumble carelessly from the night sky.

I vaguely wondered at the back of my mind if Yuu was still standing outside. If he could see me holding another man and be filled with envy or confusion. Maybe a mixture of both. I could sense, even if the last time we’d set eyes on each other we’d resulted in another argument, that he had grown attached to me. I wouldn’t put it past him that he would stand there in the pouring rain just to play the voyeur in my life. No doubt I’d end up explaining this to him anyway.

My vision even convinces me of a thin figure standing under a street lamp, but I firmly convince myself it’s nothing,

“Kai…” I began softly, “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but everything’s going to get better.”

Kai adjusts his head under my chin and sighs softly, “You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not.” I wrap my arm around him and stroke the soft chocolate strands of his hair, much like I had last week in the hospital; where Uruha was on the brink of death and me and Kai were left alone together, Kai to grieve, me to comfort.

I felt tonight I wasn’t doing a very good job of it; even when this time, Kai had been the one to come to _me_ and not the other way around,

“Uruha’s just in a hard place right now.” I try to reason, though my words feel like lies the moment they leave my lips, “He’s bound to be angry about the accident and what happened to him. That and he’s brain damaged, Kai, he’s not thinking straight, you remember what that doctor said right -?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Kai said suddenly, cutting me off,

“Kai…” I said sadly, and his head inches back to stare up at me; once again red and sore and I notice my T-shirt had dampened slightly,

“I said I don’t want to talk about him.” Kai whispers to me, “I’m so sick and tired of it all, Aki. I hate everything to do with this God damn accident.”

I watch him with woeful eyes as he tears himself away from my chest and places his head in his hands, rubbing his palms over his eyes again and again, as though he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

I knew my assumption was most likely correct,

“I’ve just… I’ve _just_ had enough!” He cries at me, “I’ve had enough of everything and I just want it all to stop…”

I’m a little startled, and saddened, by what I hear, and it takes me a minute before I know I need to take Kai into my arms again. It was the one thing I couldn’t bear to see him go through and even though I was here, the only one able to try and fix this, to be there for him, it splintered my heart to miniscule pieces,

“I know.” I soothe, wrapping my arms around Kai’s poor, fragile form, and he lets the sobs working up inside him release against me as he feels my touch against his, “I’ve got you, it’s okay.”

Kai clings to me again, pressing his face tight into my shoulder and I let him cry softly. Such heartbreaking sounds I detested the very sound of, and I felt my insides tear with each one that came and passed,

“W-Why are you being so nice to me?” Kai blurts out after a while, pulling back a little so he could look at me; with sore eyes that softened in the glow of the overhead light shining on the ceiling of my living room, “Aki, I’ve treated you so badly and yet… here you are, taking care of me, sorting out all the shit in my life, and I can’t even do the same for you –“

“Shhh...” I murmur as his words start to trip up over themselves, “Kai, it’s okay. I know you never meant to treat me like that, you’ve been through a lot lately.”

Kai’s head slants to the side and he looks at me helplessly, “But I –“

“- I will never stop caring about you.” I tell him sternly, “No matter what you say or do… no matter _what_ happens Kai, I will always be here for you. You know that.”

Something in the way Kai looks at me changes. I can pinpoint his stare boring into my own in that same caring way they always have… only not quite like this.

Surely I knew I wasn’t imagining it, and I can only watch as his dark pupils scroll gently across my form, like he was searching for something. His fingertips were still loosely clinging to the unbuttoned sleeves of my shirt and Kai pressed his lips tight together as he let his hands stroke my arms up and down; shyly thanking me in his own way even if he wasn’t sure how to say it.

_Oh sweetheart…_ I thought internally, staring morosely at this, once beautiful, display of vulnerability before me. I knew Kai was fighting with himself inside, over something he wasn’t quite sure how to win but knew that he was losing by a great margin.

I cursed Uruha’s soul for ever letting Kai sink into his own bottomless well of atrophy. I even cursed the careless fuck who smashed into his car to begin with. I wished I could rewind time, do _anything_ to save Kai from feeling like this,

“I-I’m sorry for all this.” Kai whimpers suddenly in front of me, sniffing as he stares at my chest, though simultaneously into nothing in particular. In my own mind, I imagined his current world painted in nothing more than black and white,

“Don’t be.” I whisper, stroking his shoulder gently, “Listen, why don’t I go and run you a bath, hm? You can get out of those clothes and you can borrow some spare ones of mine and stay the night.” I offer him with a small smile, though for once, my intention was far from the romantic pursuit I had always dreamt of.

 I didn’t stop to question why, though I knew I had to put everything I felt aside for this man. I was willing to be whatever he needed me to be, and tonight he just needed someone to look after him. Just as he’s been looking after me.

I would do _anything_ to make this right.

*

 

I waited patiently downstairs while Kai took his bath, imperviously flicking through TV channels though not paying any kind of attention to the screen.

I couldn’t help but think about Kai. He had uncharacteristically  sat silent while I ran his bath, adding extra bubble bath and bringing in a small stereo with a number of CD’s I knew he liked in an attempt to try and get him to relax. I tried talking to him softly, about little things, _anything_ I could think of without mentioning Uruha’s name or the horrible incidents that had taken over our lives this past week or so; but sadly, and as predicted, to little avail.

I could only leave him alone with the damaging space of his own thoughts and feelings, and I hoped he’d be alright. He’d stopped crying at least, and he merely sat on the toilet lid with his chin propped in his hands and his eyes distant as he stared vacantly into the bathtub and the clear water running into it. I wondered if he was wishing that his mind could be as clear and clean as the scene before him, instead of all this mess tainting every thought process he consumed.

I sighed and propped the remote on the couch cushion next to me, hearing the faint sound of music erupting from the bathroom and I was thankful Kai had at least tried to lose himself in some sort of serenity… no matter how small it was.

I decided to close my curtains too, and I couldn’t help but let my eyes sweep the length of the street before the drapes met in the middle. I knew what, or rather who, I was searching for but found nothing. Nothing but a scene of darkness and the dim, uninviting glows of street lamps. The neighbourhood seemed empty somehow… not quite living yet not awake either.

Though it wasn’t all that late at night, most windows of the houses were drowned in darkness and a sense of a chill set its icy hands down the base of my spine.

Dark times were upon us for sure…

I heard Kai’s tentative footsteps on the stairs around half an hour later, and the way he walked back into the living room was a sad and defeated walk; on pairs of feet that were tired of treading on dark waters,

“Hey.” I tried chirpily, putting on my best smile, “Feel any better?”

He’d dressed himself in the clothes I’d left out for him; a cream coloured t-shirt and a pair of grey slacks that were a little too long for him, the remaining material trailing along the floor past his ankles,

“A little.” Kai nodded in a small voice, the white towel I’d given him still draped across his shoulders and his tousled hair left to dry naturally,

“Here…” I began, taking the corners of it as he seated himself beside me, “Your hair’s still wet.”

Kai automatically lowered his head as I laid the towel over the back of it and started to ruffle the damp strands of his beautiful hair gently. I watched my fingers glide over the towel in small circles and hoped that it was somehow soothing him too,

“There we are…” I whispered, laying the towel gently around his shoulders again and pushing back the still-damp chocolate strands of his hair out of his eyes.

I didn’t expect them to look so unnatural when they met my gaze again. That emotional knife sliced through me again, and I felt every cut as though they were real. Kai’s authentic dark eyes had suddenly morphed into something of…

Well that was just it. Despite knowing Kai for years now and the characteristics he held dear, the trigger in such a drastic change in his expression was completely lost to me.

Was he angry? Did I do something wrong?

My mind touched on the point that maybe that internal space of his own thoughts had been more damaging than I’d initially suspected. Sat alone in a bath for an hour, soaking in nothing but scented bubbles and his own company; his thoughts were bound to drift weren’t they? Heaven knows I’ve experienced it too many a time.

I can’t hold Kai’s gaze for long as it unsettles me deeply, letting my eyelids lower to our knees; noting how close in proximity our hands were. My index finger could almost brush the edge of Kai’s little one and my stomach jumped in secretive delight,

“Aki…” Kai said at last, in no more than a monotone whisper,

_Yes, my love..?_ “Mm?”

“You know I…” Kai itches closer, and our hips bump together on the cushions. To my own surprise, I lean back from him on impulse, my heart racing as though I’d ran a marathon, “I… really don’t think I could get through this without you.”

I try to control my breathing; having Kai so close to me was tiptoeing on the tolerance of my sanity. I could feel his breath feather my neck softly. My nose inhaled the deep, combined scent of his cologne and bubble bath… the heat radiating from his torso against the ribs of mine,

“…And I wouldn’t want you to.” I manage, my tongue a dry lump at the bottom of my mouth, and the other sitting rigidly in my throat made no signs of shifting either.

Kai sighs and tilts his head to the side gently, diverting his gaze past my shoulder and into the kitchen,

“But look at what I’m doing to you…”

I froze and felt my heart pace quicken; part of me wanted to lay a hand over my chest as a reaction but knew that would be a very bad move right now.

Why was Kai suddenly being like this?

“I mean here you are...” Kai started to explain, his voice still very monotone, “… Letting me stay the night, running me baths and making me tea in the middle of the night; looking after me like I’m the most important person in the world to you –“ Kai cuts himself off abruptly as he glances at me, a little guiltily as he knows his own words are true; yet he still looks to me for confirmation on the fact.

I think about getting up and walking around to relieve myself of the stiffness suddenly gripping my legs, the direction this conversation was heading had started to scare my inner conscience beyond belief. I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear what he wanted to say next.

At the same time I longed for it,

“… I bet you were glad when Uruha ended up in that hospital, right?”

The words weren’t cold… or angry. He just said them to me like he was reading a book out loud; in general terms that book was in fact myself; and he was reading me as clear as day,

“Kai… Don’t…” I start,

“Don’t what?” He looks at me, almost sadly, “I’m here. With you. My best friend, the _closest_ person I have to me right now and you’ve sat here and comforted me as I cry over the man I love and the one you hate…”

I feel hot specks of sweat start to prick against my neck,

“You still hate him for that very reason don’t you?” Kai whispers, his eyes fixed firmly on me and I smooth my hands around my neck, picking up the wetness that’s gathering there,

“Kai, come on. Stop it.” I force myself to say sternly, “Where is this coming from? Look, you’re upset, I know.” I frustrate myself with how my words aren’t making much sense and my shaky fingers touch his shoulder, “Come on, let’s just get you to bed, hm? Everything will feel better in the morning…”

Kai stares at me a moment before his expression crumbles and he nods, wiping his face with his hand before he stands up and wanders a little shakily to the window. Kai rests his hands on his hips and I watch his shoulders tremble, taking a moment to process what I’d just heard.

I really wondered if my feelings towards Kai hadn’t been all that well-hidden after all, though I tried to convince myself not to think about it. Kai was the one who was hurting here and this wasn’t the time for me to look for the same sort of attention.

But I can’t help staring deep into my friend’s back with hollow eyes glazed in thought; a very strange sense of realisation settling on my shoulders. I watch Kai cup his face in his hands and I hear the delicate sounds of Kai sniffling into his palms, probably trying to calm himself down.

Such a destination seemed so far from reach though. For the both of us.

 

*

 

Spying through the crack of the door of the guest bedroom, I felt I was filling Yuu’s shoes; though subjected to such voyeurism myself, I wasn’t the least bit entertained.

Alone in the small 3/4 size bed pushed to the far side of the room, Kai’s form was wrapped tight in his bed sheets; the dark shadows of the night rolling over his body like grains of sand in a storm.

Though he tried to keep his cries quiet, like an innocent child after a strong scolding, I couldn’t help but catch the heartbreaking echoes of them drift one by one downstairs until I hadn’t been able to take anymore. I’d made my way upstairs to see if he was okay, but as I was about to enter I was suddenly overcome with shyness and a loss of what to say. Which is exactly how I had ended up inadvertently spying on him like this.

With Kai’s gentle sobbing acting as my mental countdown, I too-near frantically wondered what I should do.

Hold him? Make him some more tea?

Once again I was stuck in that irritating loop of helplessness and somehow the lustful side of me drew my attention to the fact that Kai was bare-chested under those bed sheets.

I shake my head; what on earth was wrong with me? I claim to be this man’s best friend and though I am completely in love with him, he _needs_ me to comfort him right now; not scour my perverse eyes over his body like some inane stalker.

His back turned to me, I could see even in this dull light that his shoulders hadn’t stopped shaking and Kai pressed his head tighter to the pillow under his head. At the same time I leaned my own against the door frame, sorrowfully watching the consequence of these horrible turns of events evolve before me. Inside myself I felt defeated that all efforts to keep Kai from feeling this way had ended in vain and still, after everything I’d done, he still felt he had to cry himself to sleep.

I absolutely couldn’t stand to witness it; trapped at the side of a highway watching as Kai's car crash of a life unfolded before me. At the same time, what more was there I could do to help?

I sighed heavily, my fingers drumming against the door frame quietly and more of Kai’s soft cries echoed across the room, continuing to break me as my ears took in their silent pleads for help.

_Oh Kai… tell me what to do._

_“Aki… Quick! Run and hide!!”_

I squeeze my eyes shut. Of all the times…

_I’d do anything to make this right._

Before I knew what I was doing, I was stepping inside the guest bedroom and closing the door shut behind me, my mind screaming at me to leave this well alone but I already knew that was impossible.

Kai remained still, with his back towards me and I was satisfied he hadn’t heard me as I crossed the room towards his vulnerable form hidden underneath that duvet. I vaguely took in the minor chaos I had left this room in on moving day; the numbers of empty boxes hidden under a sheet in one corner, with several photo frames scattered among high shelves on the wall adjacent to the bed; only placed there because I had nowhere else to put them.

Among the clutter, whether it was from Kai’s abnormal presence or mine, this room suddenly felt like a jigsaw of my leftover delusion. The photographs of family members I’d rather hide away here than present them proudly in the rest of my home with the others.

For me and Kai both, this was our secret safe for the aspects of our lives we chose to leave out of normality, and such a purpose had me suppressing a chill as I lifted Kai’s bed sheets and slid into bed beside him.

He still didn’t move; though I knew he must have noticed my presence by now, and his cries continue to erupt quietly as I surround myself in the warmth he’d built in this subdued nest of his.

Kai’s body temperature truly was a wonderful kind of heat; and I inhaled the scent of freshly washed covers and the bubble bath still present on Kai’s skin.

I hesitated a moment behind him before, after listening to another muffled sob, my arm came to fold around his waist and I found the hand resting near his face to grip it tightly.

I didn’t say anything, but Kai collapsed into cries that grew in volume as soon as the tips of his fingers folded back around my own and he knew I’d granted him permission to lay it all on me. My chin rested on his bare shoulder and I made sure to keep my hips a safe distance from his own, still unsure of how my body would react to such a situation.

But how I’d longed to hold Kai in bed like this, even if my body was now trembling with the force of Kai’s sadness. The longer I held him, I knew all words I had to offer were beyond the realm of consolation, and my hands had more knowledge of what to do than my own mind did. Whilst Kai was gripping my hand tight, my other arm slid out of the duvet to curl above the top of Kai’s head, my wrist folding inwards to pat the strands of Kai’s sleek hair.

Lost in the moment, my lips met the tepid skin of Kai’s shoulder. Then again… Until I was certain it would lead to danger and my head ended up nestled tightly against the side of Kai’s hair to comfort him, folding my body out even more as something below my abdomen began to get excited.

It took a while, but Kai eventually shuffled around to face me, his face scourged with tears shining ominously in the moonlight and I caught his expression conveying a pleading message to me;

_Please help me…_

My arms instinctively wrapped around him as his head met the centre of my chest and he took a calming breath against it, until he turned his cheek and I felt him return my hug harder.

But then a pair of hands were sliding underneath my shirt… a leg intertwined with my own.

Surely I’d fallen asleep… catching Kai’s watering eyes stare up into my own, with such dark demeanour that drew me nearer and nearer to his lips, brushing the wads of flesh that tasted and held the touch of velvet in the depths of my imagination.

_This has to be a dream…_

I felt Kai’s warm palm mould around the shape of my cheek and the tips of our noses brushed as he pressed us closer. I felt the cold wetness of Kai’s tears invading my own skin as our cheeks met and I was certain I was deluded. This couldn’t be happening, the _one_ thing I have longed for my entire life surely wasn’t unfolding in front of me now…?

Kai’s hollow voice whispered my name among the heat surrounding our defeated souls, embracing me in shivers the moment I felt it and I knew that there was nothing to hold me back now.

Kai was already there with that surprise, stroking the small of my back as I felt his sweet pair of lips come to welcome my own. Finally…

Finally having Kai kiss me had been the sweetest taste of perfection I had ever known.

 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thoughts dearies? :3 Trust me, I may deserve to be shot haha! But but but! This imagination isn't done with these two yet! And Yuu is about to make an explosive comeback! Stay tuuuuuuuuuuuuuned!!! *rolls away* <333


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reita and Kai soon learn the consequences of their actions...

 

 

“Oh Kai…. Oh _Kai_ …”

These hands… those fingers… this warmth. Oh God… has perfection ever existed? Has love such as this ever brought such incredible boundaries of feeling? This immense rush taking over my mind and even my very soul… I’m addicted to it; almost to the point where I can barely believe this is happening.

But I dare to. I open my eyes and find that Kai _is_ still here after all. Kai’s hands stroking my skin, _Kai’s_ warmth enveloping me tighter into his embrace; tighter and harder as he continues to kiss me underneath the bed sheets.

_I must be dreaming…_

I let a soft sound leave my lips… gracing a subtle response from Kai’s own; such a gorgeous vocalisation that lost itself deep against my throat… yet I swallowed, fearful of it leaving me. I wanted to hear them over and over again. I was hungry for it; so incredibly ravenous for Kai’s affection. To have his arms around me and for us to be wrapped in each other’s heat… in bed like this together. I couldn’t stop if someone threatened me with a gun to my temple or with a billion yen to hand.

This was too magical. Everything I felt seemed like a distant memory. A dream… some sort of film reel manufactured from the carvings of my inner desires and fantasies. Now they were all rolling into one; fading away from my mind like leaves in a summer breeze as my attention remains fixated to the very tangible happening before me.

I felt Kai shift underneath me and I adored the way he moved. The way his hips glided across the mattress as he adjusted himself and his hand rests on my shoulder as we break away to breathe… and then kiss again.

_My God someone pinch me…_

I hear my name echo all around me, I feel the sweet caress of his skin envelope me, taking me beyond any pinch of happiness I had managed to steal in this life or the next.

But he's here, before me. He's really here and he's _touching me._ He's _holding me._ He's... _kissing me._

No words capable of sentence structure are uttered between us. Over and over we discard them in favour of the low tones of our moans and the feathering of our sighs. I long to explore him, my fingertips trailing across Kai's outline as though he were mine and mine alone. I explored him as though I had no boundaries, longed for him as though I had no love left for anyone else. My emotions were scattered as Kai wraps his slender legs around me and rolls us over, kissing me gently as my head meets the soft confines of the pillow.

The material of my jeans slips down to the base of my knees and Kai snatches my elbows to sit me upright as he discards my shirt. Tossing it away, I watch the cotton fabric disappear into shadows and settle my eyes back to Kai's pale, defeated complexion.

As my eyes studied his face, I could no longer tell what I was searching for; particularly when he stopped undressing me and did the same. Our eyes connected, snapping into alignment as we lost ourselves into the darkness of each pair of hazel eyes. I tried to unravel him, to look past the tears and engage his heart. To whisper sweet nothings against him and have him lock them away to be treasured forever. To love me as I have always loved him.

My eyes screamed all of this to him as I felt water brimming and threaten to spill over my cheeks. This emotion, this feeling, was beyond any cavern of hope or accomplishment. Beyond any achievement I could hold dear.

Because this, the very man I have done nothing but loved unconditionally since we were children, was the reason why I was still breathing. He was the one reason why my feet still remained on this earth and trod on the paths I've dared take. My love for Kai was impenetrable, an armed box locked away with a stolen key, a mutinied ship sailing into shark infested waters.

No matter the danger, my heart would always belong to him, and I couldn't let that be stolen away.

I see the flicker of doubt in his eyes yet pray for this miracle to not end. Not now, not here, not this early...

Fighting his grief, he leans closer and brushes my lips with his. His kisses are nothing more than flickers of cotton against my lips but I take it. To embrace this kind of perfection, I would take the lightest touch from him with a grateful welcoming.

I try and speak his name but only air brushes past my lips, my tepid fingers searching for the hem of the trousers I had let him borrow for the night. I can hardly dare to look as he allows me to slip the waistband into a forbidden path only accessible in my dreams and wildest fantasies.

Kai's eyes are fixed on mine as he helps to remove them completely and I'm almost nervous to look down. Feeling myself shake, I see the dark shadows below his waistline creep into the corners of my vision, and I desperately know the beauty I expected wouldn't disappoint.

Kai remains above me on his knees, his hands clasping the headboard as he leans over me and begins to trail kisses along my forehead. I feel his lips tremble and the heat of his breath puff against my skin with equal distress; it consoled me that his nerves were taking over too. I was almost tempted to believe that it proved this meant something more to him than just escapist sex.

I feel my hand clutch at his elbow, attempting to comfort him as I had been the entire night, revelling in the softness of his skin and the faint scent of lavender bubble bath that drifts pleasantly in the air around us.

Without speaking a word, I brush noses with him as Kai sinks back on his shins again, placing his hands on my shoulders as though he knows of nowhere else appropriate. In the dark, I see his watery eyes close as my hands cup his cheeks, trying to savour the beauty held between my fingertips; a moist layer of tears sitting beneath my thumbs.

We breathe against each other in the dark, the only sound in the room as, without words, I tell him over and over that everything's alright. I speak to him with my hands wrapped around his waist, with my lips experimentally caressing his. Finally, nausea has a firm grip on me as I build the courage to press our dry lips together again.

Kai takes my kiss welcomingly, almost crushing me as his arms grab me and hold me in place. Like he was waiting for me all along. I feel my moans escape me uncontrollably, flinching yet adoring the graze his fingernails make against my skin as he fumbles his way across my body, until euphoria fills me and I'm lying on my back again, staring up at the ceiling.

An icy cold digit pressing against me was not mistaken and my fist curls in Kai's locks. His forehead is pressed against my waist, the razor edge of his teeth scraping my stomach as he explores me gently with deep and lingering kisses. I let him do as he pleases, mentally photographing each second that came and passed. I knew, somewhere deep inside myself, that what Kai was doing to me was part of a war he was fighting inside. I was nothing more than a tool he needed, and, whether he was blind to it or not... I knew I accepted it willingly.

Because he was here, ready to make love to me, the one man I had ever loved. I don't care how this happened, only caring that it _was_ happening.

No matter what circumstance this may have brought us, I would remain delirious in this venture if it meant we could have each other as I have so achingly dreamt for.

Watching Kai's locks disappear below my waist... I knew then my heart was held tightly between his fingertips.

And I was dangerously in love with the thrill.

 

*

 

I woke to the essence of sunlight streaming through the window, and once again questioned the reality of the night before, my sleep absent of nightmares and terrors for the first time in a long while. The room around me blurry and swaying, I feel the effects of fatigue cause my eyelids to ache, and I groan as my feet tangle in what appears to be cotton blankets.

Oh God, could I have really been...?

But no. I was here. The pale blue curtains of the guest room finally looming into focus before me.

It... It wasn't a dream?

My hand instinctively lands against my chest and I feel my cheeks widen into the happiest smile to grace my lips in so long. Last night wasn't a dream. And it was no longer a fantasy. I had the actual, _living_ memory of Kai in my arms... Kai against my lips... _Kai..._

Kai had been all mine. Mine and mine alone like I had only dreamt for.

I slip back onto my pillow and let the air filter out of my lungs as I stare into the ceiling. This was amazing. Beyond breathtaking, _beyond_ a dream come true even.

I shiver as I recall the dimensions in Kai's touches... reminded of the soft feathers of his fingers versus the callous grabbing his hands were capable of. His warm tongue circling around my teeth and the sweet serenity he could do with it elsewhere. His beautiful eyes staring into mine, his eyebrows creasing as he comes undone, his neck arching as he cums inside me... the way his body shivered and collapsed against mine... the way his sweat clung to me like a sheet...

The arousal stirring underneath the bed sheets was shameless, and I close my eyes as I transport myself back to the feeling.

I treasured everything. Every touch, every smidgen of affection he chose to pay me. I memorised it all.

_This feeling. Let me keep it forever._

Reluctantly, I open my eyes to the ceiling and notice the empty bed space in the corner of my eye.

Kai isn't here...

Though a small tug of worry descends on me, I try to push it aside. Perhaps he went down for coffee...

I sit there in the morning sun and ponder, suddenly thinking what on earth it is I'm going to say to him now. What does this mean? What is any of this going to do to us?

_What have we done?_

I know. I know for certain that the night we spent together would be our last and only, no matter how deluded I wanted it to be that we could be something more. How I could wish that Kai would realise we are meant to be together, that he would leave Uruha in a heartbeat and whisper the same three words I long to hear muttered from his lips.

I almost said it last night, caught up in the moment of our incredible love-making and between the lusty confines of the bed covers. I had to bite my tongue before the sentence could slip out, however, knowing it would scare him away for sure.

But how I wanted to say it. The decision not to had almost killed me.

With a considerable amount of effort, I pull the messy bed sheets off of me and sit up, the sudden stretch of sunlight through the window bringing on a mild headache. I sigh heavily, making my way rigidly back into my bedroom for a fresh pair of slacks and a cardigan as I felt an uneven chill drift throughout the house.

As wool clothed my shoulders, I heard the gentle clink of ceramics echo from downstairs. I smiled gently, almost relieved to hear living proof that Kai had actually stayed like I'd hoped him to.

My kettle boiling half a minute later confirmed it.

By the time I'd reached the kitchen, I found Kai dressed in his own clothes, with his back turned to me as he ferried from counter to counter collecting teaspoons of sugar and cartons of milk. I paused in the doorway for a moment, almost scanning the picture before me to savour it that while longer. As difficult as my mind may be, I knew I wasn't that deluded to conclude that last night was probably going to be the last time Kai would ever be in my arms willingly.

Though it didn't stop me hoping.

 I flinch as the kettle switch flicks upright, startling myself into speech,

"Good morning."

A surprised Kai almost drops the cup he's holding as his hands tremble inadvertently. He turns to me and whispers back the greeting, a shy blush working its way across his tiresome cheeks,

"How'd you sleep?" I ask gently,

"Okay..." He mumbled, collecting a second cup from the shelf in front of him for me, "You?"

I considered my answer carefully, "Like a dream."

Kai's smile was small, though I couldn't work out whether that was the right thing to say after all,

"I... um..." Kai started, adding coffee to the second cup, "I hope you don't mind but I just, uhh, can't handle not having coffee in a morning."

I return his warm smile, grateful for the awkwardness beginning to dissipate, "Not at all. I know how much we live for the stuff."

A hidden force of bravery allows me to leave the doorframe and walk closer to him. The chestnut strands of his hair are left unkempt and wildly bedridden; the kind of look that makes me smile wryly as I come up behind him and gently place a kiss against them.

Kai doesn't flinch, he doesn't tell me to stop. I hear the rattle of a teaspoon left swirling in one of the mugs before he turns to face me and we're directly back where we were last night; though more vertical than horizontal now,

"Aki..." Kai whispers, his fingertips loosely clutching to the hem of my cardigan. Underneath, my bare chest felt ever hotter as his fervent breaths blew across my skin, no longer so shaky and nervous as he was before.

My palms fold around his cheeks, eyes drifting to settle on his lips; mine aching for no other target.

He kisses me back, softly and without hesitation. Inviting me back to the perfection that was last night; wrapped in cotton sheets and bathing in his warmth, in the essence of his very existence.

My heart flutters and my stomach drops, leaning into him uncontrollably. Kai's hands grip my waist and pull me closer, eventually running his fingers through the dry strands of my hair. I deepen the kiss, and keep my eyes closed for seconds after he pulls away,

"Aki, what is this?" Kai whispers to me breathlessly, a question I should have known was going to come.

My eyes remain unopened though my thumbs glided across his jaw line,

"Whatever you want it to be," I answered him, "It doesn't have to be anything."

Kai's hand pushes against my chest and I find a direct stare waiting for me,

"It's already _become_ something, Aki," Kai tells me somewhat sternly, turning back around to finish stirring our coffee cups, "It's too late to turn it back into being nothing."

I look to the floor, feeling my throat close up; suddenly cold and empty as Kai's body warmth left my comfortable embrace, "Okay. So say it."

"Say what?"

"That it was a big mistake."

I watch Kai's shoulders droop and he very nearly throws the spoon into the sink,

"I never said that."

"I know. I just expected to hear it, that's all." I mumble, wasting no time in telling the truth. Kai was, after all, the one person who had heard most of it, why not this too?

A long silence passes between us before Kai's gaze drifts to a random countertop, "So, what do we do now?"

In all truth?

"I don't know..." I once again mumble in honesty. What was there left to do even?

Deep inside, I suppose I was looking for Kai to run straight back to Uruha; into his suffocating coma and changed persona. Although I practically hated the guy before... at least before the accident he wasn't hurting Kai like he is now,

"Aki... " Kai started, though I wasn't sure if I could bear to look at him, with any number of probabilities concerning his next words,

"I...I hope you know and understand that I... I was in a bad place last night and I just- I never wanted this to happen or to... you know, _use_ you like this. I- "

Kai looks at me sadly, hazel eyes scanning me for a reaction. Or perhaps hoping I'd take my turn to speak early to save him thinking about his next sentence,

"I know," I nodded, trying so hard... giving everything not to break in half, "But at least tell me one thing."

"What?"

"Tell me it meant something more to you."

"Oh, Aki -"

"No, _please,_ " Almost close to begging, and half of me didn't care, "Tell me I wasn't just an escape for you."

The taste of desperation that I'd managed to suppress for this long was starting to filter through, and I couldn't stand it. The more I stared at him, the more he shuffled from one foot to the other, or offered me a rueful glance.

Eventually, Kai caught my eyes in a solemn grimace; the look of someone about to give bad news. The look of someone about to break a heart.

To break _mine._

I took a step back, the breath I'd been holding sitting tight in my chest. Time slowed down as I took in his features one by one. The dream of last night beginning to shatter into a thousand reality-tainted pieces.

Kai tried to take my arm when I released a shaky gasp of sudden awareness. The awareness that I was losing him. That Uruha was going to steal him back after all...

"Aki..." Kai called after me softly, and for the first time I felt myself recoiling from his touch. From the only set of hands I had _ever_ wanted to touch me, "I-I'm sorry... I am, I..." He licks his lips, pressing his palms together in front of his chest, "I _never_ wanted to hurt you like this. You have to believe me. I... God I'm disgusted with myself that I..." He breaks off with a frustrated sigh, at a loss for words. Some part of me was praying that his next words would be of comfort, or all the things I wanted to hear him say.

But no more came... and I admitted inside myself that I was struggling, letting silence settle between us.

I felt Kai's troubled eyes weigh heavily on me and, as much as I felt burdened to reassure him, I knew deep inside that I just couldn't.

His partner was in hospital, fighting for his old life back, and here we were. Sleeping together... ruining our friendship,

"I tried to deny it you know," I murmured at last, my throat closing up to the point I could almost choke, "Last night. I kept telling myself over and over that it would only happen once... you and I."

Kai let his hands fall to his sides, and I watched him continue to gaze at me with sinking helplessness. For once, I couldn't stand it,

"While it was happening..." I continued, numb inside, little emotion left to give him. Last night with him was all I had, "I was alright with that. I was alright with just being given that one chance with you."

"Aki..." Kai whispered, but I ignored him,

"But now..." I broke off, too near to a smile. A depressing, downward spiral of a smile, "Now... I'm hearing you say the very things I expected you to say. And it actually -" My breath hitches, "- It actually scares me."

Somewhere ahead, Kai inhales shakily, "Akira, _please..._ "

"- Do you have _any_ idea what this feels like?" I cut him off, my voice a desperate whisper now.

I _needed_ to let him know,

"You don't..." I shake tearfully, stepping back slowly until I collide with my kitchen wall, "All these years I have done nothing... but adore you."

Kai lets out a deep sigh in front of me. Not of frustration, not of happiness. But one that told me he'd already known,

"And yet I was ready to let you trample all over me last night," I sniffed, my cheeks slowly dampening with streams of tears, "You know that? I _knew_ what this would do and yet I... couldn't... stop."

Kai cups his face with his hands, his shoulders unstable as he tries to breathe,

"Kai, with you, I will _never_ be able to stop." I'm crying now, my breathing laboured, my hands shaking before me as I ache for nothing else but to take in my arms and make him see me.

Make him see _us..._

 "You need me..." I whisper to him, as Kai brings his palms away and I find his face laden with red eyes and guilt-ridden tears, "... I need you. Kai, _please,_ you have to tell me that it meant more, I-I _know_ it did."

It seems forever that I await his response. Steam rises from our fresh coffee cups and the clock ticks second by second on the nearby wall. Birds chirp outside and sunlight streams against Kai's body as though time stops only for us.

Oh how I wish it would. There would be no Uruha, no car crash, no coma. Nothing stopping us. It would just be the two of us against the world... how it should have been,

"I... I can't," Kai whispers, "Aki... Uruha's waiting for me. In that hospital bed. He... He _needs_ me _."_ He pleads softly, cornered even now by Uruha's hold over him.

It angered me. To think Uruha had already put Kai through enough last night, had hurt him to such an extent that Kai had been completely broken by him.

Only for now... to be forgiven?

"What about last night?" I blurted out, Kai's eyes widening as he recalled the state he had been in a mere 24 hours ago. How he'd cried against my chest, spilling out every detail about how little Uruha had made him feel. Whether he questioned if he loved him anymore...

"What about _everything_ he's put you through?" I tried to reason, perhaps for my own selfish benefit; but, somewhere, behind my words, I knew there was truth in them.

Kai must have too, because he suddenly couldn't come up with anything to say.

A look of uncertainty takes hold of Kai's features and he opens his mouth, lips pursed ready to try; perhaps to argue against my point, before he hesitates and retracts his words altogether.

I don't stop myself; my fingers frantically find their way to his shoulders and as he looks up at me with tear-laced eyes, I caress his cheek gently. I tread carefully, cautiously threading my touch across the echoes of his pale skin, curling a strand of bedridden hair behind his ear.

He sighs just as he had in my arms last night and the very memory has me pressing our foreheads together. His temple is warm and I feel the tug of his shy fingers grip my clothing as though powerless.

I feel the partial whisper of my name echo in the space between our lips and close my eyes to savour Kai's closeness in ignorant comfort.

_Don't leave me.._

Kai tries to speak... my index finger catching the streams of his words as I press it against his lips.

_Don't speak..._

Inch by inch... I close the gap between us. Our noses brush, our breaths graze our skin, our lips bump.

Instinctively, I kiss the smooth plush of Kai's top lip with barely more than a peck. Then again when he doesn't react.

Then my bottom lip tugs... and I feel his kiss on mine once more.

Desperation grips me and the entirety of Kai's touches upon me again aches my heart for more. My hand weaves around his lower back to push him gently into my chest, cupping the back of his neck to hold him tight to me.

_Don't let go._

Kiss after kiss, I lose myself in him. His very taste, the inviting warmth of his skin against mine, his hands in my hair... unravelling me... embedding me... just as he had done last night.

Our legs entwine and trip over one another and soon I've pushed him into the nearest wall, spreading him apart and letting myself settle between his hips. How many times I had imagined taking him like this. How many times I had dreamt of him being mine like this.

Lust in my eyes, I begin to undress him. Kai sighs as I slide his jeans down his hips and let them bunch at his ankles. I slowly rise and kiss the milky white skin of his thighs on my way back to him, worshipping him as an untouched work of art. His eyes are dark with lust and longing as they welcome me back, catching his lips in a long kiss that tempts me to feel him further.

_I need you..._

One slow push and I was inside him, the ease it took delighting me and it took all my strength not to cry the beauty of his name against his shoulder. The outstretched cry that eased its way smoothly past Kai's lips as I entered him was gorgeous to my ears and I took a moment to absorb it... to be overcome by it.

I watched with hunger as he parted his lips and his head fell back against the wall, releasing sigh after sigh towards the ceiling, as though he had waited for me all this time.

I felt his lithe legs tighten around my waist, and I found myself exploring him deeper. I held his thigh and kissed his throat as I pushed myself into him deeper, savouring the seduction of his warmth; a feeling so great I parted my lips only to release a voiceless moan into the base of his neck as he enveloped me tighter into a disarray of lust.

I needed to feel him. I needed to be with him over and over again.

My hips drove into him... slowly. Kai released low grunts against my lips and lost moans slithered their way down my throat one after the other. With an available hand, I smoothed stray strands of his bangs that lay scattered across his forehead and watched him unravel in my arms.

Eagerness got the better of me; and I vaguely wondered - just as I had last night - whether Kai would ever let us be together like this again.

I might be selfish... but I _had_ to make him see,

"Don't... go," I whispered to him, as I made love to him faster, "Don't go to him..."

Kai moans innocently and his forehead lands against mine, breathing against me like I was taking all the oxygen out of him; clutching me tighter like I was the only one that mattered, until I didn't know where he ended and I began,

"Kai..." I uttered between our coupled moans, "He's not... good enough for you. You deserve so much better."

Kai almost screams my name and I kiss the bare skin of his chest peeking through the round neck of his t-shirt, his hands scrunching the material of my cardigan tighter as my thrusts bury him deeper against the wall,

"You deserve..." A wave of ecstasy chills me to my core, "... Everything."

"Aki..." Kai chokes out into the air, his face contorted with innocence and perfection. Even as he lets me in deeper and his hands claw at my chest, I don't stop.

I make love to him like he needs me to; like we both deserve. I make love to him like last night never happened. We grunt and groan against each other with every thrust I drive into him and yet I remain in awe with each that comes and passes. I need to hear more, I need _everything_ about him.

I pull my head back to see him... and I admire the pale complexion of his skin like I had never laid eyes on it before. I admire the dark brown allure of his eyes, the shape of his hips sitting pleasantly symmetric and inviting; the slimness of his waist, the muscles in his arms and the soft magnetism of his hair. I take in every detail. I treasure him as though no one else was worthy, as though no one else could see him like I could.

Especially not -

"He can't do this for you..." I can't help myself, desperate as I bring myself closer to the edge. I hear Kai scream my name. His dark eyes gaze at me, his teeth etching paths in his lips, the feel of his muscles tightening around me.

He is mine. _Mine..._

"Uruha can't do this for you... not like I can!" I gasp as another wave grips me... Kai clenching around me too much to bear and I almost lose myself completely.

Kai stops moaning. He stops running his hands through my hair. Instead, they slip down to my chest and push against me. Not out of lust but... pushing me away.

I slow my movements and raise my head to look at him. He's panting with the same fervour... but not with the same devouring looks he was giving me moments ago,

"Get off me," He whispers lowly, attempting to catch his breath.

I narrow my eyes and catch his face contorted in an entirely different manner.

The very venom with which he stares at me stops me altogether,

"Kai..." I try, raising a hand to touch his cheek, which he smacks away almost immediately,

"I said get off me." He hisses.

_No, this can't be..._

Fear, if nothing else, settles deep in the pit of my stomach and I hesitantly do as he asks, though not before holding his gaze for a few seconds... in the hope that I may have heard him wrong, or... or...

_No, no, no, please..._

I pull out of him and set him back on the floor gently, though I stay in close proximity; only to have Kai shove me further away and pull his jeans back up to his waist.

My back lands against the door of my refrigerator, standing confused as I watch Kai redress himself hastily,

"Kai... what are you -?" I start slowly, though Kai doesn't give me time to speak as he turns away from me, fastening his belt buckle.

It takes me a moment to snap into action as he then starts to walk quickly out of the room.

I barely have time to say another word before he's disappearing through the door and I waste no time in going after him, fumbling to pull up the slacks still gathered around my knees,

"Kai!" I almost scream desperately, following him into the hallway where I find him casting aside dozens of my shoes in order to find his own.

_No... no... no,_

"Kai..." I start, my chest clutching and the very thought of Kai leaving and me losing him was all of a sudden too much to bear, "Kai, wait, please... what's wrong? Talk to me!"

Kai says nothing, ignoring me as he finds his trainers at last and slams them on the wooden floor. In one swift movement he shoves his feet inside and sets about tying the laces. Time seems to be fast forwarding; I can barely catch up with it and I stand there watching him in an absolute standstill.

Before I can catch wind of what I'm doing, I lunge forward to catch hold of his wrists and I fall to my knees in front of him, willing him to do anything, to _say_ anything,

"Kai, look at me!" I plead with him, Kai making no move to shove my hands away. He freezes, his fingers still gripping the ends of his shoelaces while he stares at the floor.

For the first time I see the tears on his face, a droplet escaping his cheek to land with a soft thud against the wooden floorboards.

My gaze softens, "Kai..."

I hold his shoulders, pulling him towards me, to hold him like I had done all of last night. Like I had done at the hospital...

Kai lets me, but only for a moment before he cries out a strong noise of protest and shoves me away from him again,

"Get off me, Aki!" He bellows towards me, stopping only to collect his car keys from the small end table by the front door.

Not for me,

"Kai, no please! _Please!"_ I sob at him in a blind panic. What was it? What was it I did wrong?

_"Uruha can't do this for you... Not like I can."_

I feel sick, despair dropping down on me like a lead weight in my stomach,

"Oh God no..." I whisper under my breath, then louder as Kai pulls open my front door with staggering force,

"Kai..." My legs are shaking and I follow closely behind him on unsteady feet, "Kai, wait! I'm so sorry, I never meant -"

Kai stops dead on my porch, turning to me in one swift movement that catches me off guard.

I almost gasp. The hurt shining behind his eyes is replaced with one of an absolute pure hatred.

Hatred... of me,

"You... have no right," Kai managed, his voice dark... and hurt, "Uruha has brain damage and he might never be able to walk again! And you're _using_ that against me?! You have no _damn right_ Aki!!"

I flinch... Kai has never yelled at me like this before.

But I was disgusted with myself. Because I had hadn't I?

_I_ did this,

"I'm so sorry..." I start, wanting to take his hand... to take back what I said, "Kai, I-I'm sorry. You're right. I-I never should have said that. I just -"

Kai stares at me with such disdain, and I watch hopelessly as a single tear cascades down his cheek.

After all this, I've been the one to end up hurting him.

_I was meant to be there for you._

"... I just needed you," I finish lowly, wanting to hold him in my arms and take all this away from him, "Kai, last night was _perfect."_

Kai runs a hand over his face, "Oh Aki..."

"No, it was!" I whisper, my voice quivering with emotion, "I know I said that I was expecting this not to last but I was lying okay? Kai, I was _lying._ "

Bravely, I take his face in my hands again,

"I never wanted last night to end," I tell him, smoothing my thumbs against his skin. That soft, smooth skin that I had grown accustomed to caressing night after night, "Please, Kai, don't do this..."

I hold my breath, desperate for Kai to react. To fall into my arms and tell me yes. Yes, he loves me. Yes, he would be with me. Yes, he would ignore the life he has with Uruha and build a new one with me.

But to my dismay, Kai started to shake his head. Letting my heart in his hands drop to the floor and splinter before my eyes,

"No..." He murmurs quietly, his eyes stern as he stares into me with increased absolute, "No, Aki... I can't. I'm sorry."

Then my hands are empty and I'm watching Kai walk away from me... again.

I never thought I could feel like this again after the first time he rejected me all those years ago.

But now I...

_"Aki... help me..."_

I can't breathe.

I scream after him multiple times that I lost count. The brisk autumnal air heightening the hoarseness in my throat. Yet, he continues. Kai unlocks his car without a single glance back in my direction and lowers himself inside like he couldn't get away fast enough.

But there was a moment. A moment where he clutched the steering wheel and stared ahead in sudden realisation. A glimmer of hope caught my chest and I willed him to look this way,

"Come back to me Kai..." I whisper, "Come back to me. Please..."

He didn't. And I watched his green car drive away down the street; soon disappearing behind maple trees and houses... into the fog... disappearing out of my life.

When I couldn't hear the engine anymore, I started to retreat on unsteady legs; withdrawing to the confines of my empty house, ignoring the cooling Autumn air that blows furiously behind my back.

_"Kai... don't do this."_

I don't even bother closing my front door and feel my feet give way beneath me, falling to my knees with a hard thump against the bottom step of the stairs.

I sit there. In my own heartbreak. Wasting away like Uruha is in that hospital bed. Wasting away like the cockroach that I am.

How could I have done that? How could I have stooped so low? Trying to persuade Kai to stay with me just because of... what? The fact that I'm 'normal' and Uruha's not anymore?

I feel sick to my stomach and I hunch over to press my elbows to the floor and cry out apologies against the floorboards; no one to hear them, no one to accept them.

Desperate to rid of my guilt and my inescapable anger, my fist lands against the wall to my side with a sickening crack and an instant rush of pain spreads like fire against my fist. But I don't care.

I _don't_ care.

Kai's gone. He's gone and he's not mine like I want him to be. He's not _in love_ with me like I want him to be.

I punch the wall again. Harder. Screaming his name until I can't feel anything anymore.

This was my fault. I could have held back last night. I could have pushed Kai away and told him no.

Because of course I knew, didn't I? I knew this was how things would end...

"Stupid..." I muttered, tears drowning my eyes and clogging my throat, "Stupid... How could I have been so stupid..."

I let myself go to the sound of wailing wind blowing my door onto its hinges; reminding me of how close I had gotten. How close I had been and now the very man I loved more than anything in the world was being taken away from me. Away from me and... back to _him._

I curled up, tighter and tighter until my chin was almost to my chest and my hands clutched the strands of my hair. I sobbed into my own arms, not hearing the sound of footsteps; not acknowledging the hand on my shoulder, nor feeling the arms wrapping around my shoulders and sitting me upright.

Yet someone was holding me. Tightly,

"K-Kai...?"

It was only when I spied a pair of feet tucked into sandals beneath me... that I knew who it was,

"No... it's me."

_Yuu..._

__*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *phew* I sincerely hope I haven't gotten worse at this~ *dusts off cobwebs* hihi (^^; ) Comments are, as always, little drops of LOVE! I'm aiming to update this fic at least once a month. I hope you're all still enjoying it~ <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira's anger reaches breaking point and a shocking revelation comes to the surface.

*****

  
My life was blending into a blur. I felt sick, unsteady... falling into a place I could never recover.

I was losing... 

I _am_ losing.

_ Kai... _

My breath hitches and another droplet of tears - out of a stream that appeared endless - thuds alongside the rest against the rug on the floor beneath me. After hours of crying, hours of letting the world fade around me, I focused on nothing but what I'd lost. Replaying Kai leaving over and over in my mind and punishing myself over what I should have done differently.

My surroundings were blurred; only half-conscious to the shy presence that stood watching me from a few feet away,

"Go home Yuu," I managed to mumble, reality breaching at last; my voice cracked and hoarse from the screams and incessant cries. 

_ Not like any of them did any good. _

He didn't move a muscle. Nor did I. The only fraction of movement I had left in my tired, frail body was the pair of hands shaking between my knees; and even that was taking all my energy to suppress,

"Go home," I repeated, words empty... and soulless, "There's no place for you here." 

I didn't take my eyes off the floor. I didn't dare myself to look up. Not at Yuu, not into the sunlight beaming through the curtains... not at anything that was living and breathing nor bearing any resemblance of sheer happiness. 

_ I want to die, _

"But..." Yuu's timid voice spoke in a low volume, "... I'd rather stay."

"What for?" I hiss bitterly, unable to help myself, "So you can add more problems to my life?"

"N-No," Yuu stammers, and by some brave miracle, he even comes to perch on the arm of the sofa to my right, "I... I just thought that I could help."

I scoffed, rubbing my running nose on my sleeve with a wry smile. I didn't even bother to wonder why he had suddenly become so confident; no longer the shy, timid teenager that wouldn't dare lay a finger on my house with his smallest toe the first time he came here,

"It's too late for that, Yuu," I murmured, "It's over. The one person in my life; the one that made my life worth living... is gone," 

Then, under my breath, "Uruha's won."

To my surprise, Yuu's curiosity gets the better of him, "Why?"

"You wouldn't understand," I tell him, too numb to even try and explain this entire mess, "My personal life is of no concern to you."

I hear Yuu take a nervous breath, "But... it's okay for mine to be a concern of yours?"

I flinched, his arrogant words striking a chord with me. Perhaps I should have had the energy to justify why it was that I had focused all my energy on getting to the bottom of Yuu and his strange infatuation with that cry for help he'd left on my doorstep. But right now, I didn't have the courtesy to continue that chase. In fact, it was irrelevant,

"Not anymore," I confessed, my eyes welling up as I thought of the one man who deserves my concern right now, "Whatever situation you've gotten yourself into is your business. I don't care -"

"- But I thought you said -?"

"- I _don't... care."_

Yuu fell silent, a state I would have otherwise been blissfully grateful for. Yet, the more he sits there, rigid and unmoving, waiting for the opportunity to say something else, or to scour his mind for the right words to tell me, I knew none would come. His presence was suffocating me slowly, and I had to squeeze my fists together hard to prevent myself from hitting something,

"Just get out, Yuu," I almost whispered, "I will not ask you again."

Still, Yuu stays still as stone, and I hear the small intake of breath come almost immediately,

"But... I just thought I'd -"

"- _What?"_ I snapped, snatching myself up from the sofa to stand up and stare him dead in the eyes, the confident and inquisitive demeanour Yuu had portrayed just moments ago evaporating into the air the moment I stood up; shock and trickles of fear now making up the expression on his face. 

Look at him. Standing there snivelling and cowering like a damn frail animal in the wild. It drove me insane. What the fuck could a seventeen year old know about _anything_ wrong in life?

"You thought what?" I challenge again, watching Yuu awkwardly slide off the arm of the sofa and back away cautiously; his eyes wandering everywhere else to avoid eye contact, "Oh! Oh! That you could _comfort me?_ That you could put your arm around me and say, 'there there Akira, it'll be alright' because what the _fuck_ could you _possibly know about anything!"_

Yuu takes my anger like a spear; flinching and grimacing like every word was a small nick to the skin. He doesn't react. He doesn't move. He just lets me unload.

But that's not good enough,

"Why the fuck won't you look at me?" I growl, annoyance brimming and driving the veins in my arms and neck to stand on display, " _Again_ I have let you invade my life Yuu. AGAIN. I - I just... _God!!_ "

I can't help but growl in frustration and circle the room on helpless and trembling legs. I was being swallowed up by my own anger, I was completely aware of that. I've been there; I've experienced this before.

But on this scale? At this place and time, I was a raging storm and there was nothing - and no-one - that would be able to stop me.

I can't even take a deep breath to calm down; rationality far beyond my reach and I continue to let Yuu suffer in my presence. He flinches and quivers every time I turn to his direction or open my mouth for something to say. 

For the first time, I was at a loss as for where to even start,

"Why is it..." I began, "That you always turn up at the exact moment that everything in my life is falling to pieces, huh?" My eyes, sore and swimming with stubborn tears, scroll to his own still attached to his feet, "You expect that I will drop everything for you. You expect me to help you in whatever stupid situation you've gotten yourself into next like it's on a damn psychotic loop -"

"N-No," Yuu startled, his voice the impression of sheer panic, "No, no, Akira... it's not like that -"

I could tear my hair out as he finally looks in my direction; doe's eyes in the face of oncoming traffic. The very way he was trembling and spluttering like he was the victim sends my temper soaring and I could have kicked him to a pulp,

"- What is it like then, Yuu?" I demand, my fists clenched so tight they hurt, "You can't deny me, can you? Ever since I moved to this damn town, you've been a fucking suffocation to me."

"Akira..." Yuu begs, " _Please..._ "

"- You... show up like the slivering, _pathetic_ little worm that you are and I have to listen to you... _cry_ to me every _damn_ time about that fucking note. On my fucking doorstep." My words were running thin of anger now, though still, I could feel myself speaking spitefully, cutting through Yuu's words like they were never uttered in the first place. 

Why it was, that at the worst times of my life, he managed to filter his way through. He was always here when something was going wrong with my life. Or watching me in the shadows when...

I swallowed.

_ When Kai and I were at our best. _

"I... I can't..." I whispered, gasping for air. Kai... last night... Uruha... the accident... my love... his hate...

_ Help. _

_ I need help. _

Yuu was talking to me, begging even; but I couldn't hear him, he was drowning somewhere in the distance. 

As was I.

_ Where is it? _

I turn on my heel, wiping my face and nose messily with the back of my sleeve as I stalk towards the mantelpiece,

"Please..." Yuu's voice at last, "Please... Akira..."

"Ah, here it is -" I ignored, snatching the scrap of paper from the bowl I'd stuffed it into and storming over to ram it into Yuu's hands before I catch wind of what I'm doing, 

"There," I sniff, feeling the clammy dampness of sweat on Yuu's palms as I hold the note in place, "Why don't you take it, Yuu? Why don't you _take your Goddamn note_ and do what it says, huh?!"

I couldn't stay on the same foot, switching from one to the other like a boxer in a ring, circling my prey and ready to fight, 

"You wanted to help, didn't you Yuu?" I mocked him, a small pit of pride settling in my stomach as Yuu struggled to release his hands from mine, "Well, here. Do what it says Yuu," I leer towards his face, invading his proximity like I was not welcomed. 

I wasn't. I saw the tears match my own and yet, despite the amount of times I had tried to help him in the past, I was done. I was ready to watch him suffer as I had - to take the blame for this.

_ It's his fault,  _ a voice was telling me, _It's his fault Kai left._

"Help me, Yuu," I whispered, Yuu's tiny and desperate gasps for air billowing against my cheeks,

"Go on," I murmur, fists clenched at my sides as I continue unfazed. Like a madman, sure, but what other morals could I possibly have left? 

Yuu flinches as I grab his hands tighter and shake them, "Do what it says and _FUCKING HELP ME!!"_

Before I know what I'm doing, Yuu's screaming at the top of his lungs. Within seconds he lands on the floor towards the dining table, knocking the chairs to the floor and covering his head with his arms in defence as they fell all around him,

"Don't hurt me!" He cries, palms shaking as he holds them out to me, trying desperately to scramble to his feet as though I was armed with a deadly weapon, "Please, Akira, I'm sorry! I'm _sorry!!_ I can't fix this for you, please!"

Oxygen struggles its way inside me as my chest rattles. My hands are trembling and I hardly notice the small scratches now etched along my fingers; thin lines of blood seeping to the surface of my skin.

_ Akira... hide! _

" _SHUT UP!"_ I screamed, my own bloodied hands tangling in my hair, squeezing my skull as my head burned with hate; giggles and whispers booming in volume and then fading into the background as soon as they had arrived,

"Please... just go away..." I whispered, only echoes now... slowly fading away, "Leave me alone... I can't... I can't do this on my own. _Please..."_

I stay there for just a moment; unmoving; too tired to fight in case they come back. I can't let them take over... I _can't..._

After a long and unsettling silence, I open my eyes to find I'm in my living room and Yuu is still here - standing yards away from me, staring in what could only be described as sheer horror. 

My mouth is dry and hoarse, exhausted with emotion. Disorientated and encompassed in anger, I find my words come out in spits, my own voice non-recognisable as I shake uncontrollably,

"I told you... to get out of my sight," I ordered darkly, "I never want to see your face again."

Only a second did Yuu remain where he was, but it was a second too long as I watched his lips scrunch together in a tight line, forcing the sobs back into his throat,

"I said _get out!"_ Screaming at him, I had no sympathy as he startles into motion and rushes his way to my living room door, "Get out or I will kill you!"

I did not follow; only hearing the clumsy thuds of Yuu's terrified footsteps find their way to my front door. Even when the door had slammed closed and the house was distilled in silence again, I felt nothing. No relief, no joy, no gratefulness for the peace.

There was only suffering. My heart bleeding in a waterfall of torment.

_ What have I done? _

I fell against the door, the forgotten tears catching up to me as I sink to my knees and land gently on the floor. I sob and grieve, hitting the door with my naked fist as I scream to something up above to make everything right again,

"Kai... please come back," I cried, "Please... sweetheart I need you... Come back to me... Come back." 

Oh God, I need him. He can't be gone... he _can't be._

Despair consumes me and I sob hard into the floorboards, even after no more tears would come. Weak and trembling, I finally lift my head, eyelids sore and red,

"I have to see you," I whisper.

_ Yes... _

"I _have_ to see him."

*

The hospital was bleaker than I remembered. The corridors themselves were monochrome, simply black and white to the exception of the odd saturated colour of green or blue uniforms belonging to staff. Nothing about this place was living, or hopeful, and I decided that it was the perfect place for me right now.

The forty-five minute drive over here had given me a chance to calm down after my downward spiral inside my own house a mere hour ago. At every red traffic light, I recalled my actions and my words; every outpour of anger that I had fired in Yuu's direction. At the time, I didn't care what I said or who I said them to; I was angry with the world and I'd wanted, in that moment, for everyone in my way to burn along with me. 

Yuu would probably never forgive me for that - but I had a new focus now. One that snapped me out of my grievances and pushed my determination to the forefront. 

That was what was driving my feet forward now; set in only one direction, a vignette hollowing my vision as nurses and porters pushing empty stretchers passed me by. Not one of them asked me if I needed help, not even the receptionist, which was exactly what I wanted. No one distracting me... and nothing stopping me. 

The door to Uruha's room sits coldly underneath a blinking black light and I enter it swiftly, without hesitation, pausing only to pray that Kai wouldn't be there first.

The metal chair pulled up to Uruha's bedside was empty at least, so if he was here, at least I had a moment alone.

With _him._

I close the heavy metal door behind me quietly and have to take a moment to brace myself before I turn to study Uruha's meek existence properly.   
He's different. So different. His once milky skin at least two shades paler, made almost sickly in the dim hospital lighting above his bed. His once auburn hair was left to grow dark at the roots and unkempt with week-old knots and curls. Even the very way he was lying on the bed, arms and legs in parallel stiffness to each other, made his whole demeanour so uncomfortable. He had become the personification of illness itself, and though my hatred of him ran deep, in no way did I ever envision a man of his success to be stripped down to this astonishing level of nothingness. 

I take a stiff step forward and scan the skinny, skeletal form of his body. Etching a finger along his exposed shin beneath the hospital gown, I noticed he was unnaturally naked. Gone were the casts and the wires leading to beeping machines. Uruha's bruises were fading and his bones were mending.

But Kai? No. That was something that couldn't be mended.

I retracted my hand; my legs rigid in place as I did nothing but watch him breathe in a steady pattern. The dates and times of his last hourly observations by the nurses were handwritten on a whiteboard above his bed and I felt my stomach squeeze. Here he is, lying perfectly still and serene. Untouched by the outside world.

_ Safe... _

"So..." A croaky voice withered to life before me, "Come to gloat, have you?"

I try not to let him see that his sudden consciousness had startled me and I force myself closer, every step more confident than the last,

"Come now Uruha," I almost hissed, though took all of my energy to suppress my voice into a forced tone of calm, "Surely you know me better than that."

From his place on the bed, Uruha scoffed.

I take caution to acknowledge that this is the first time Uruha and myself had exchanged words since the accident. I could barely recall what my last words were to him beforehand, or gather the decency to appreciate that they might have been my last.

Had things been different,

"Where's Kai?" I asked, my first and only point of priority,

"Out." Uruha croaked,

"Out where?"

" _Out._ " 

I bit my tongue and narrowed my eyes, something in the way he was speaking... it wasn't right,

"Will he be back anytime soon?"

Uruha scoffed, "Why? Wanted to sweep in and console him in case I'd died, did you?"

I take a careful step forward, " I wouldn't do that."

"No," Uruha muttered; his voice littered in sarcasm, "Of course you wouldn't. What would I know, right?"

I reached his side and leaned over him, my fists carefully landing either side of his head and gripping the bed's metal rails. I watched the veins in his neck pulsate a little faster... then the ones in my own knuckles.

I could do it if I wanted to.

But I don't,

"Yeah..." I began, fixing my eyes firmly on his own; sunken with haggardness and dark circles, "What would you know? In fact, do you know _anything_ anymore?" 

"Ugh..." Uruha huffs, running a hand over his face as I hesitantly pull away and stand rigidly once more at his side, "Not you as well."

My eyes narrowed, though let him continue,

"Everybody in this fucking place won't let up about how _different_ I am," Uruha grumbled, his voice low and hoarse; not so full of life and well-spoken as I had known him, "So what if I am? Some idiot crashes into _my_ car and yet everyone's main concern is my personality transplant -"

"- You've hurt Kai," I cut him off, sternly and with malice, "What about how different you are to him?"

"Fuck being different," Uruha meets my stare through half-lidded eyes, "We both know my health and well-being is not why you're really here."

Even now, throughout all the hell he's been through, he still had the audacity to look at me smugly. Like he'd won me over at the same game in a thousand matches. He was content that he was better than me, that he had obtained what I wanted. 

I knew I wasn't imagining it, and I dipped my head low to whisper,

"You better watch yourself," I snarled, "You know better than to push me."

"Is that a threat?" Uruha spat back and I pull away after some self will, "Akira, we've known each other for a long time. I know the games you play inside out."

"So you _do_ remember," My eyebrows lift, "I always knew you were never good enough for Kai, Uruha. But this 'personality transplant' of yours is rubbing off the wrong way."

Uruha smirked wryly at my remark, when before he would have shrugged it off or walked away.

Kai had been right; he truly has changed,

"You know, I always put up with you because Kai asked me to," Uruha said defiantly, "I bet you've enjoyed me being stuck in here, having Kai all to yourself and acting like I'm the bad guy."

"It wasn't my observation to make." I hissed through gritted teeth; recalling how most of my reformed opinion of Uruha came from Kai's lips and Kai's lips alone,

"Don't play stupid," Uruha continued, with a seething menace that ran deep, "I have a sneaking suspicion you're using me to get inside his head," His eyes glinted, "And I will not hesitate to ruin you." 

Even though Uruha had always known my feelings for Kai, not once had he made a threat against me for it. If anything, he probably found me a challenge. A reason to try harder for Kai's love and affection,

"I've never _used_ him," I retorted, my eyes aching with soreness and yet I still manage to send a stare deep into his own, "He means the world to me.

And I think you'll recall that on the first night we met, I made a promise to Kai that I would kill you if you ever hurt him."

Uruha chuckles lowly, transcending into a rancid and heavy cough, "So it's true," He gasps, "That's why you're really here, is it?"

"Keep pushing me and you'll find out." I remark, coldly, "You are the reason for causing all of his pain. Not me. You're right. Kai _has_ been with me the last couple of weeks? With _me_. Crying and torturing himself over the likes of _you."_

"Well that must have made your fucking Christmas," Uruha's voice was riddled with sarcasm, "He came running into your arms for the first time since I came along, hm? Well I hope you enjoyed it," He raised his head and smirked coldly, 

"Because it is the last time I will ever let him near you again."

"You son of a bitch -" I started, but Uruha's hands had grabbed the emergency call button quicker than I could get my hands on him. Breathing heavily,  
I watched as he held the button like the timer of a bomb, wagging his finger in my direction and tutting like I was a disruptive child,

"Watch yourself, Akira," Uruha smiled, "You know better than me how this will look. The schizophrenic breaks into the boyfriend's hospital room in the dead of night. They exchange words. The schizophrenic gets jealous and kills the boyfriend in an instant. Kai would never forgive you. And the police will lock you up for good this time -"

"Shut up," I growled, "Your emotional abuse may have a hold on Kai but it sure as hell won't work on me. I've seen you and I _know_ you. Kai has told me everything."

Uruha's face falls,

"And in time he will know you for the monster that you truly are."

I turn to leave, already calmed long enough to know that me being here wasn't the best idea I'd had in a long time. Yes, I wanted to wring the life out of his neck and say goodbye to him being in my life forever. But I'm not a killer, I need to be strong for myself. For Kai.

_ Aki... help me... _

"The monster that I am?" Uruha's voice came sharp in the humid air, stopping me in my tracks, "Oh no. Akira, we both know who the monster truly is." 

I turn back towards him, standing as tall as I can muster, not letting him back me into a corner as I fear he may try,

"Tell me," Uruha goes on, unfazed as he places the call button safely back on his bedside cabinet; next to a heart monitor that was beating far too calmly for my liking, "What did it feel like?"

"What did it feel like to what?" I asked, as Uruha clasps his hands at his stomach and regards me with opaque curiosity, 

"What did it feel like to want to kill me?" His eyes glint and I feel the strong shiver of goosebumps sweep the back of my neck.

Hesitantly, I raise my head confidently, "I don't know what you mean." 

"Oh I think you do," Uruha challenges, once again looking at me like he owned me, "We both know. Kai may have convinced you that moving to this town and setting up home in the suburbs would let you have a new lease of life, but don't think the rest of the nation has _ever_ forgotten what happened before that."

"- You don't know what you're talking about," I snapped, Uruha treading on very thin water and my patience was weakening, "I moved away for a fresh start, for the good of my career, for my health -" 

"Your health?" Uruha coughed again, "How many book sales of yours have dipped Akira? What good have you actually done since you got here?"

"I was here for Kai when you decided to almost kill yourself!" I clench my fists tightly, "I was there for him when you decided to ruin his life. When he needed me the most!"

I didn't know what on earth me coming here tonight would have ever achieved. I was angry, I was upset. When I'd left my house tonight, I'd wanted to scream at Uruha until he admitted what he had done to Kai. I wanted to throttle him for answers when he probably had none for his actions. If anything, I should have stayed at home and wallowed in my misery like I was so good at doing. I should have waited for Kai's phone call, I should have waited for his knock on my door. 

_ I have to get out of here...  _

"Tell me you're not a murderer, Akira," Uruha called after me, just as my hand lands against the door handle, "I dare you!"

My chest constricts at the venom in his words and I couldn't answer him back as the room blurs into shapes of discolouring before me. Voices return in my head and I feel myself wearing down to the shrill cries of their menacing laughter.

_ Stop it... _

"Stop it Uruha," I splutter, my lungs gasping for air, "You don't know what you're saying!"

_ Aki, come find me!! _

I released a frustrated growl and kicked the metal panels of the door with all the force I had. Whirling around, I could see Uruha glaring at me with maddening insolence and I wanted to squeeze him for every last breath,

"I know you did it," Uruha sat up, even as I stalked back towards him, snatching his wrists and holding him down in place, "I know who you really are, Akira."

The veins in his neck pulsated wildly underneath me, the sharp sting of his overgrown fingernails burying deep into the edges of the back of my palm as he tries to fight me back with what little strength he has. 

_ I could do it if I wanted to.  _

All this pain he's brought upon Kai. We would be together if it wasn't for him. If he had never been here... Kai and I could have...

_ I could do it... _

_ I could kill him. _

 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I feel like I could have done better than this right now. But it's hard getting back into writing when you've been gone for years, hm? *scratches head* I hope you enjoyed as always lovelies! Let the shocking revelations continue!! *huehuehue*


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira is faced with more dilemmas as the consequences of his actions begin to unfold...

*

 

My hands were detached from my body; squeezing tighter around Uruha's throat like I was watching some other entity possess me. Uruha gasped and struggled for breath underneath my chest, his arms waving frantically, fighting to stay alive,

"Sir, what are you doing?! Stop!! Stop it right now!!"

I didn't see the call button being squeezed desperately in between Uruha's fingertips, nor think of how he'd managed to reach it in that split second. I didn't even hear the alarms beeping deafeningly from the sides of Uruha's bed. I just squeezed tighter, wanting to see an end to Uruha's lies; his _poisonous, treacherous lies._

It took three members of medical staff to drag me off of him, and I watched with a mixture of disdain and relief as Uruha coughed and spluttered underneath crowds of fresh stethoscopes and temperature readings. Still very much alive,

"Oh my God..." I whispered, my knees trembling and I landed back first into the nearest obstacle; tripping over a nurse's medical trolley. My hands were shaking beyond my control, the warmth of Uruha's weak and pale skin still tangible underneath my fingertips,

"He's a madman!" I heard Uruha cry as two security guards grabbed my arms and dragged me out of the door, shoving me with rough hands and barking orders at me like a dog, "He's killed once and I was going to be next!!"

His words stayed with me all the way into the elevator; all the way into the entrance lobby; all the way into my car and throughout my way home. I wasn't even thankful that the hospital staff hadn't called the police or charged me for assault. Only shocked that I had actually tried to kill the man.

My breathing had become more of a struggle as I drove over the speed limit towards my house, and had to pull over for air on a quiet country road. In the midst of a panic attack, I fell out of my seat and stumbled towards a large oak tree standing wilted on a grassy stretch of pathway, clinging to the bark and breathing in the welcoming icy air like life was being restored into my lungs.

I was trembling like I'd been submerged in icy water, crouching on my tiptoes as I sank lower to the ground in an effort to find stability. My breaths came quickly, misty air forming and evaporating before me with every exhale,

"Oh my God, I almost killed him," I whispered to myself, "Oh... _fuck!_ "

Minutes I must have been there, letting myself freeze in the twilight temperature and my anguished screams echoing into the side of the hills and trees beside the road. Though it took time, I calmed myself down steadily until I could hear past my own panicked intakes for air and the loud, burly engine of my Mustang humming patiently at the side of the road. Eventually, the distant sound of radio music loomed to the surface, the car door left ajar and I could finally think clearly again,

"It's okay..." I took a deep breath, "You didn't. He's still alive. You didn't do it."

_But hell, I wanted to._

With a frustrated growl, I rose to my feet and pushed the car door shut with a single hand, muffling the radio and submerging the street back into silence.

I'm so confused. I have two thought processes; one that is decent and moral... then the other that is more sinister and misguided. Why do I have to think like this?

I scoffed, "Because I'm not well... that's why. I haven't been well since -"

I sighed harshly, continuing to take deep, calming breaths as I made my way towards the path again. Ducking under the oak tree's branches, the road carefully wound its way back into the town; a road that twisted and turned down this gentle hill and through family owned farms. I gripped the safety barrier and looked outwards at the view - of the single dual carriageway and the crops standing tall either side on its entry towards my hometown; homes twinkling with light and car headlights illuminating the roads as they cruised at suburban-safe speeds. A couple of miles away, I could spy the dark blue stretch of the ocean meeting the twilight sky scattered in stars, and the small length of houses and maple trees that graced the street at its mouth; my own included.

Just looking at this perfect view; it reminded me of the very reason I came here. The quiet, the serenity, the calm; everything my life has far from become.

Though Uruha is suffering from brain damage... had he been right after all?

What good _have_ I done here?

I cast my mind back to the beginning of October; when Kai and I ate dinner at the back of my house and chatted to the sound of the ocean waves. When Yuu left that dreaded call for help on my doorstep and I threw myself into investigating why.

I sighed. Then Uruha was hit by a car and my whole world turned upside down with it.

Kai and I had made love to mask our pain. I had pretty much confessed my deepest feelings to him, and in doing so, had scared him beyond belief. I said the wrong things, I blamed the wrong people for my actions. I released my anger on those who didn't deserve it... on Yuu...

I walk to my car, deep in thought, and seated myself back in the driver's seat, turning down the volume dial on the radio. The clock shining orange on the dashboard told me it had just gone past 9pm, and, as I pulled my phone out of my pocket, I knew hesitation shouldn't keep me from doing the right thing.

The call connected, as I was so used to. Day or night, after my nightmares, after the hell I'd been through...

It _always_ connected.

I heard the tone after about five rings and the mobile provider voice instructing me on voicemail options.

My heart was racing by the time the second tone came,

"Kai... it's me. Akira..." I began softly, "Listen, I... I know I'm probably the last person that you want to hear from right now. And I understand that, I do, it's just I - uhh -" I took in another deep breath, "I need to tell you something. And chances are you're not going to like it," I scoffed, "Just like you've been enjoying _anything_ I've been doing to you lately. God..." Spreading my tongue over my lips, I looked down at the town again for encouragement, "... Anyway. I need to tell you that I went to see Uruha tonight. And as you can imagine... it didn't go down that well. At all. I just thought you should hear it from me first because... the... the police might wanna talk to you. Talk to _me._ But I... I didn't hurt him. And... no matter _what_ he tells you, I was acting out of grief, you know? That... That wasn't me in there Kai. You have to believe me. I'm disgusted with myself that it even happened and I just... I just want to make things right."

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, after a moment listening to radio silence and the distant chirps of crickets in the air, "I'm so sorry for everything. For my selfishness, for my jealousy... for _all_ of the pain I've put you through. It was all my fault and I'm sorry. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me... especially after tonight. But... I just had to tell you. A-And I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I could never..."

I close my eyes, waiting a single second before I utter the words I've wanted to tell him my whole life,

"... I love you."

I hung up the phone and stared directly ahead, letting my phone fall to the passenger seat and shine a white box of light against the car ceiling. I hoped that Kai would at least listen to half of it, even if I knew now that my chances of ever seeing him again were getting slimmer.

God, what was I thinking? This isn't me...

_Aki..._

"I know..." I mutter, more or less to no-one else, only to the voices still lingering in this fractured mind of mine, "But you're gone now. I tried. God, I tried so hard..."

_You have to find us..._

"No," I turned the key and took encouragement from the engine roaring to life, engaging life in _me_ ,

"I have to go home."

 

*

 

Flashing blue lights drew me to a stop just as I reached the driveway of my cottage, expecting nothing less when a male and a female officer tapped my window and asked if they could come inside. To them, I probably couldn't have reacted more perfectly, smiling a simple "Of course" and guiding them in with the offer of a hot beverage.

I made tea for all of us, even though they declined, but God knows I needed it. I braced myself for the questions that would follow as soon as I had sat down and placed the tea tray gently on the coffee table,

"Mr. Suzuki..." The male officer began; a mid-thirties, well-built gentleman with a strong facial profile and stubble guarding his chin. Probably had a wife and a couple of kids -  the type to show up at elementary schools and impress children with his tales of police bravery and sought out justice, "We received a call from the county hospital, in which we believe you attempted to assault a patient, is this correct?"

I nodded slowly, lowering my gaze to focus on pouring myself a cup of tea - perhaps a little harder than required,

"I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you that they called us here." The female officer added; a petite, plain brown-haired young woman, far too career-driven to be entwined with details such as marriage and babies,

"No..." I answered honestly, trying not to be deterred by the fact that my house hadn't been cleaned for a week, and my dining chairs were still in scattered chaos after this afternoon's altercation with Yuu, "Look, it's alright. I know I have to answer for what I did tonight."

The officer nodded, "So... would you be so kind as to tell us what you were doing in Mr Takashima's room this evening?"

I told them both everything, choosing not to leave out any details; for my own sanity and self-reflection more than the police's benefit. I started from the beginning; telling them how Kai was my best friend and how a part of me had always been jealous of his relationship with Uruha. I told them about the day of Uruha's accident, the way Kai was and what a state he was in. How Uruha treated him in the weeks that followed. I told them I was grief-stricken when I drove down there. Angry... conspiring to do nothing other than look for an argument with Uruha,

"I just wanted to scream at him. To make him see..." I explained quietly, cradling my tea in my still sore and reddened hands. Even now, I could feel the frantic pulsation of Uruha's veins in his neck and it sickened me to my core, "I just wanted to make him understand how much he'd hurt Kai. I was... just _so_ angry."

The female officer continued to take notes on a small, thin notepad as I spoke,

"Angry enough to want to commit murder?" She asked me.

I shrugged, recoiling at the memory of me stalking that hospital for answers that didn't exist. The things I was prepared to do to get them, "I wasn't thinking when I attacked him. He... said things that pushed my buttons. And after everything that had happened lately, I just couldn't take anymore. I saw red and that was it, I just lost my mind."

I took a sip of my tea to feel a smidgen of comforting warmth - the first of this evening alone.

The officers looked at each other like they were coming to the same conclusion.

I just hoped that it was the right one,

"We understand that it can be quite difficult to face someone suffering from this kind of brain condition," The male officer said carefully, "Especially when they're someone you'd known before the illness. Before this accident even happened."

"Yeah," I agreed, half-heartedly, "Although we still didn't get along back then... he was a lot easier to deal with than he is now."

They both stared at me, watching and waiting for me to expand on that opinion.

I sigh heavily, gazing down into the tea leaves swirling inside my cup, "He's so different. Not the cocky, larger-than-life personality that he was when I'd first met him, you know? As a lawyer, I thought that persona came naturally to him but... now this 'condition' of his has just thrown him deeper into something else. He's full of hate and spitefulness. I've never actually known anyone to be this cruel and unforgiving. It shocked me. Kai is my best friend and I hated all the things he was telling me; about what Uruha was doing to him. The fact that Uruha also accused me of all of these terrible things tonight just showed me how truthful Kai was being. Even though I try to remember that Uruha probably doesn't mean them -" I catch myself quickly,

"- It honestly seems like he does."

The pencil scribbling away to my side came to a halt again, "The things Mr. Takashima said to you in that room as you described... is any of it true?"

My gaze flickered between their curious stares through half-lidded eyes, and I only took a moment to answer,

"No. There's no truth to them at all."

Just lies.

_All lies._

*

 

The police made sure not to overstay their welcome, and made a move to leave promptly just shy of 10:30pm. The remainder of the interview was a little less painful; though discussing my fallout with Kai this morning had been nothing less than an unpleasant experience. Try as I had to avoid it, the police weren't going anywhere until they'd filled in the gaps. Still, it seemed they almost felt sorry for me, now that I had told them how much I loved Kai; to them it probably made the story a little clearer. Which seemed to play in my favour as I wasn't being carted into a cell as I had previously feared,

"For security reasons, we're going to issue you with a formal warning, Mr. Suzuki." The male officer informed me, writing on what looked like a notepad of receipts. Tearing the paper off and handing it to me, I realised it was an official charge ticket, with the amount for ¥11,593 underlined at the bottom,

"This is an assault charge that you are duty bound to pay to your local governing office within the next seven days. And for both your safety, and Mr. Takashima's, we are respectfully putting into action a restraining order."

"A restraining order?" I echoed, raising my eyebrows,

"I'm afraid so," The officer's words were friendly, but he remained stern, "You are not to go within 150 feet of Mr. Takashima or the hospital in which he is situated in; this is to be extended after his release. Is that made clear?"

I nodded, "Of course."

"Good," Turning into our living room, I stepped in front of the pair to open my front door and see them out, "Though if Mr. Takashima would like to press charges, you understand that this fine and restraining order may not be all that you're issued with?"

It was a gentle warning, that was for sure, and I could do nothing else but nod once more; imagining that Uruha would like nothing more than to throw me in jail - for good as he had so claimed earlier tonight,

"I understand. Thank you for your time."

"And you for yours, Mr. Suzuki. Have a pleasant evening."

I said nothing in reply, instead smiling half-heartedly and watching them step back into their squad car and reverse out from behind my Mustang.

Once they'd left, I went to close my door when I spotted Yuu standing in the centre of the road, facing this way as if he had been watching us the whole time. Our eyes connected immediately, and once they did, the look on his face sank into fear again as it had earlier today.

_Yuu..._

My legs automatically started towards him and, after today with attempting to kill Uruha and the police's agonising questions, my brain couldn't come up with an apology fast enough,

"I'm sorry!" Yuu almost screamed, already starting to run like he feared I would do something unforgiveable if he didn't get away now, "I wasn't looking!! I didn't see anything!!"

"Yuu, STOP!" I shouted after him, a little more aggressively than I would have liked; and my lack of stamina and food the past few days meant I struggled to keep up with his pace,  
"Yuu, please... slow down!" I gasped between breaths, a stitch developing in my side and I had to eventually force myself to stop about six houses from my own; though desperation gripped me as Yuu continued to run out of my reach and I had no choice but to call after him, "Yuu, I'm sorry, okay?! Come back! Please! I need to talk to you!"

He does stop then; turning so abruptly, he's almost back in proximity the next time I lift my head to look. I even got a sense of déjà vu; chasing after him in the rain outside the school that one time...

"Please..." I panted, as Yuu continued to step closer; looking at me somewhat scrupulously, hands tucked tentatively at his chest in that shy manner he always presents. Still as fragile as he was when we first met,

"It's okay," I reassured, finally getting my breath back and able to stand up straight again, "I'm not going to shout, I promise. All that is over, okay? That side of me is gone."

Yuu looks hesitant, and he dips his head to the floor so I can't make out his expression... but it seems he believes me regardless, "... You promise?"

"Mm. I promise." I smile gently, holding a hand out towards him, "Come on, let me make you some tea."

Yuu doesn't take it, though slowly lifts his head a smidgen upwards,

"It's time I owed you an explanation... for everything." I confessed, leaving my arm outstretched; hoping that he would trust me and take it.

But then he faced me properly, albeit with some effort. Under the bright street lamp, and now just inches away from me, I saw how different he looked.

He even looks paler... sickly. In fact, the more I observe him, the more I realise.

He looks beaten down. Attacked...

"Yuu?" I asked tentatively, bringing out my other arm as Yuu suddenly looks unsteady on his feet. This wasn't right. He didn't look like this this afternoon. I would have noticed...

But yet there is evidence. A fresh scratch is marked across his top lip, and the bruise on his cheek that was once fading had now been replaced with another,

"Yuu... what's happened?" I swallowed, "Who did this to you?"

"I..." Yuu whispered, taking a shaky step towards me, "A-Akira..."

Coming towards me, I was completely taken aback as his legs gave way and he collapsed, the whites of his eyes rolling into the back of his head and I lunged forward to catch him in my arms,

"Yuu?!" I called, lowering him to the floor and propping his back upright with the support of my knee. Yuu's body is entirely motionless, and he was surprisingly light in weight, "Yuu, can you hear me?!"

He stays perfectly still, totally unconscious and unmoving; but he is breathing and I could feel a pulse once I pressed two fingers to his neck.

I sighed and regarded him a moment, looking around me only to find no one in the neighbourhood had so much as stirred,

"It's alright," I whispered to the boy in my arms, sighing in discontent as I swept stray strands of his bangs away from his face. After a moment, I lifted him up and carried him back up the road and towards my house, "Come on, I'm going to take care of you."

Something I should have done a long time ago.

*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I feel like this was very short and brief so I apologise if it comes across that way (^^; ) I also had a cold/flu halfway through this ( ;w; )
> 
> But!! If it helps, I literally have the next five chapters all panned out and everything is in such a good working order, I am SO PLEASED! Comments and reads are super awesome, thank you lovelies! Let me know you're still enjoying it~ (it will make me super happys <3 )


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira cares for Yuu, but nothing can prepare him for what else the day has in store. 
> 
> Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eqyir5JGpA

*

 

The weather had grown considerably colder by the time I had carried Yuu back to my house; perhaps combined with the day I'd had, it caused me to shiver. The open front door let a lot of the outside air come flourishing like a tornado inside, and the warmth my cottage usually presented had resorted to this ugly sort of chill.

Kicking the door closed with my foot, I laid Yuu effortlessly onto my sofa and stroked his naturally black hair away from his eyes. I carried him like I was holding an extremely expensive vase in my arms; I feared he would, after all, shatter into a thousand pieces if I were to drop him. He was so fragile, so helpless. Seeing fresh wounds on his body had sparked my desire to help him again... if only he would let me.

Rummaging through my airing cupboard for a spare blanket, my heart clutches as I find the one I had clothed Kai in only a few weeks previously; when he had been the one cold and shivering on my doorstep from that evening's downpour.

I sighed at the memory, wishing how I could rewind to that moment and disregard all the bad that had followed afterwards. Folding it tidily, I tuck it away amongst a neat pile of freshly washed bed sheets and select another, for what reason I wasn't entirely certain. Perhaps I wanted it left untainted.

Yuu was still asleep when I returned downstairs, so I tucked the blanket around him gently and decided it would be worthwhile to light a fire for warmth. As I went to cover his shoulders, the teenager only wearing a chequered flannel shirt, a thought in the back of my mind stopped me.

_What if there were more...?_

I shook my head. No, I can't look. I've already given him enough reasons to give up on me. I couldn't supply him with any more.

Once the fire was lit and I'd safely replaced the fire guard, I stayed for a little while and watched over him; the gentle sounds of his breathing and the rising and falling of his chest reassuring me that he was okay. For now at least.

Signs of him beginning to stir came about after I had once again boiled the kettle and placed a teapot on the tray still sitting on my coffee table. I heard Yuu's small groan as I poured a fresh cup and he startled me as he suddenly shot upright, all too near to a scream as he panted frantically; like he had just awoken from a deep nightmare.

If anything, I knew all too well what those were like,

"Hey, shhh shh shh..." I soothed, perching myself on the side of the sofa as Yuu lifted himself up with the palms of his hands, his eyes wide and frantic, "It's okay, you're safe now."

"A-Akira?" Yuu stammered, wincing and pressing one of his palms hard to his forehead, "Wh-What am I -?"

"It's alright..." I stroked his upper arm comfortingly, "You're in my living room, okay? You fainted outside."

"I..." Yuu seemed to calm slightly then, eyes darting about the familiar space of my living room; the TV, the sofa, the coffee table, the rug, my arm chair and the fire roaring nearby, "I... I did?"

"Yeah..." I murmured softly, taking care not to scare him again; more than lately had I given him his fair share and I wanted to show him that it was over now,

"Are you okay?" I breathed, "Does anything hurt?"

Yuu shook his head weakly, his face contorted against the orange glow of the fire crackling just meters away, "N-No. Just... my head..."

There was something about how quietly he spoke that made me want to know his deepest, darkest secrets. He was desperate for help. Maybe not consciously, but somewhere deep down he needed someone... or was in some kind of trouble.

Perhaps I could be that someone...

"Here..." I whispered gently, reaching behind me to pick up a mug and hold it out towards him, "I made you some tea."

Yuu tried, even now, to make himself as small as possible; shrinking against the arm of the sofa like a street dog. Untrusting and cautious,

"Come on..." I reassured, "It'll help."

His pale fingers shaking, he slowly took the cup from my hands and cradled it in his lap. He made no move to drink it, only staring deep into the bottom of the ceramic, shoulders hunched with cold,

"I... I really shouldn't be here." Yuu mumbled, then cast a frightened glance outwards towards the window as if someone would see him.

Like they were watching... _waiting._

_Aki..._

I shrugged the voices away, already feeling them leer over my shoulder. Tormenting me in a twisted game.

Not this time,

"Yuu, you don't have to worry," I told him gently, "You're safe here."

He seemed to believe me for a moment. Only a moment as he quickly placed the tea back on the table and threw the blanket from off his form, wincing as he did so. From the pain of his head, or something else, I didn't know,

"I-I'm sorry... I just _can't._ " He stuttered, standing to his feet shakily only to hold his head once more and sway on the spot.

I was up in an instant, catching his elbows just before his legs gave way,

"Okay, Yuu, you are in no fit state to go anywhere," I lowered him gently back onto the couch, noticing the frustrated tears in Yuu's eyes, "When was the last time you ate?"

Yuu swallowed after a moment's thinking, "I don't remember."

I sighed, "Okay. Well, I think we could both do with some food, hm? How about I order us a pizza? And then we can talk."

As stubborn as he tended to be, it seemed Yuu agreed with me. Not uttering a word, his head moved mechanically in a stiff nod.

After calling a local pizza joint, the third out of a long line that were now closed for the evening, I returned to find Yuu clutching his tea again, already half empty and something in me warmed,

"It'll be here in thirty minutes." I attempted brightly, though Yuu jumped a little at the sound of my voice.

Every single sound or movement scared him to no end...

My heart ached to a degree. I remembered the fear I'd felt this morning with Kai, trying my best to understand that whatever situation Yuu was in right now, his fear must be as heightened as mine was,

"Yuu..." I began softly, every utterance of his name becoming more careful than the last, "You have to believe me when I tell you you're safe here."

Despite my assurance, Yuu shrugs, so cautious, no, _afraid,_ to trust me.

_Someone must have betrayed him._

Whether now or in the past, however, that was a distant matter. Although each time I met with Yuu, another calamity always seemed to have a firm grasp on him. An entity of bad luck or something recurring...

I sighed. For this to work, I just _had_ to find out what was going on,

"I never thought you'd speak to me again," Yuu whispered quietly, breaking me out of my thoughts. His gaze was directed towards the floor, his shoulders hunched over gingerly.

I sighed, ashamedly as I recalled my earlier actions. The way I spoke to him, the way I screamed...

"I know," I mumbled quietly, pushing my glasses further up my nose as I felt the embarrassment gather in the pit of my stomach, "You didn't deserve any of that."

A moment's silence passed between us, melancholy and unpleasant. Though, I knew I had to answer him for all the bad I had done. Not too long ago, I had started to believe that Yuu was beginning to trust in me. And I let him down, severely,

"Then why?" Yuu's whisper was strained, though his eyes remained stuck to the rug below his feet. My head slanted to the side; he was sat identically to how I had been this morning. My eyes to the floor, my body hunched and my entire being a fragile mess. I couldn't shake the feeling that he and I were not so far apart.

I took a moment to try and form a suitable explanation. When none came, I decided to go with honesty, "I was hurt, Yuu. More than I had ever been in a long time. I was angry with the world," My eyes creased woefully, "I'm just so sorry you were the one to get in the way of that."

"I thought you hated me," Yuu continued softly, and I watched his thumbs stroke either side of his mug nervously, "I... didn't want anyone else to hate me."

His words were so sad; as though each of them had to be pulled from his mouth save for his hesitance. I regarded him soft-heartedly, wishing there was something I could do to make this all better,

"Who hates you, Yuu?" I asked him gently, watching his body tense,

"I-It doesn't matter."

"Yuu..." I pushed gently, "Come on. I found you outside my house with a fresh bruise on your cheek and collapsing of exhaustion. Don't tell me that it doesn't matter."

Yuu seemed to relax at my words, albeit only a little. Once again I was caught in the predicament that I might actually get something out of him this time,

"Is it someone at school?" I probed, to which he shook his head, "Did you get into some kind of trouble?"

"I..." Yuu started, biting his lip as it began to quiver, "I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do -"

My back straightened, and I inched towards him in the most careful of movements,

"Do what, Yuu?" I asked, my voice bordering on a whisper, "It's okay."

"When I put the note on your doorstep," Yuu fidgeted with his hands, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa and grimacing, his eyebrows furrowing as he tried to get the words out, "I..." He stopped, then tried again,

"...I was running away."

Relief washed over me in a strong wave. Yuu had given me something at last.

The shock of his admission must have been written all over my face; Yuu finally raises his dark eyes to look at me as a lengthy time passed before I managed to form a response.

I straightened up, "Running from what?" I asked him tentatively.

_Just tell me Yuu... It's alright..._

The sound of a phone vibrating against wood startled the both of us, my mobile trembling against the kitchen counter where I had left it. I looked towards it in longing, wondering if it was my agent, or even the police.

Either way, ignoring it wouldn't bode well for me,

  
"Wait here." I instructed Yuu, before getting to my feet. Yuu watched me with teary eyes as I faltered in my steps, trying to hide the obvious disappointment that gripped my entire being.

_I was always so fucking close..._

I sighed frustratedly when I reached the kitchen, very nearly snatching my phone from its place and glaring at the screen, though stopping in my tracks as I was overcome with shock,

"Kai?" I whispered.

Sure enough, his name was there. Bright and screaming at me as it flashed on-screen and his contact picture smiled sweetly in my direction; a photo I'd taken from our college days some years ago. My chest tightened as my heart began to race; knowing by now he probably would have received my voicemail,

"Who is it?" Yuu's voice came over my shoulder and I startled, turning around to find him standing only a few inches behind me.

I licked my lips, pressured by the phone ringing in my palm,

"It's no-one," I stammered, though Yuu wasn't fooled as I looked back to the screen, aching to answer it.

Yuu scoffed, his pale face falling, "You're going to do it again, aren't you? One phone call and you forget all about me."

"No- Yuu, it's not like that -" I started, as Yuu's tearful eyes grew into bitter vex,

"- No," Yuu retorted, "I can see you're busy. Sorry I wasted your time..." He mumbled, though I didn't miss the sound of annoyance hidden in his words. Which is why I called after him as he turned to leave,

"Yuu, wait!" I insisted, relieved as his feet paused and he stood by the dining table, his back turned to me.

But at least he was listening,

"Look, I'm... I'm putting it down, okay?" I could feel my heart splintering as I slowly, regretfully, placed my phone back on the counter; its vibrations haunting me as Kai didn't hang up. I wanted to grab it and answer it, to hear his voice in my ear again and all the words that followed afterwards; good or bad.

But I couldn't. I stayed rooted to the spot, letting the phone continue to buzz of its own accord. I raised either hand beside me in complete surrender as Yuu turned back to look at me over his shoulder, his gaze softening when he realised I was serious,

"I'm not going to answer it," I breathed, my stomach tightening with nausea, "It's just you and me now, okay?"

I tried to sound as sincere as possible, watching Yuu's gaze and the apprehension therein. I watched him nod, so briefly that a single blink and I would have missed it,

"Please. Go and sit back down." I gestured towards the archway and back towards the sofa. Yuu did exactly as I suggested, moving his unsteady feet forward and I felt despair linger as my phone finally fell silent at last.

 

**'1 Missed Call'**

I struggled with myself briefly, willingly now that Yuu's back was turned. I stared at the text on the screen with discontent, willing and praying with all that was in me that he'd call me back. I may have just been given a lifeline, and now, in this moment, I felt the heartbreak return to encompass me in a shroud of regret.

I followed behind Yuu ruefully, leaving my phone where it was for my own sake. I knew the second I'd put it in my pocket would be the second I'd want to sit and stare at it for the remainder of the evening.

And I owed Yuu. I probably owed him more than I was able to give.

I convinced myself I had to try, so it was a relief when there was a knock at my door.

Yuu reacted to the noise, but I made sure to reassure him before he came to the wrong conclusion. Stuffing a hand in my jean pocket, I produced a few notes,

"That will be the pizza." I convinced, giving him a small smile before I headed towards the front door, my suspicions confirmed when an unhappy teenager stood at my doorstep with a flat pizza box in his hands.

When I returned, Yuu was running the flats of his palms across his thighs. Looking upwards at me, he then lifted a tired hand,

"I actually don't feel all that hungry." He mumbled sheepishly,

"Well, that's tough," I laid the box down on the coffee table and walked back to the kitchen to collect a pair of plates, "Because I'm not letting you leave here until I'm content you're not going to pass out again."

I returned to his side, handing him a plate, "Here."

He took it from me meekly, "Thanks."

We ate in silence, my gaze flickering to the clock on my wall and I was astonished to find it was almost half eleven. It gave me reference to wonder what on earth Yuu's parents thought about him being out this late... if they even cared at all.

I looked downwards at the slices of half-eaten pizza in my lap and grimaced, feeling butterflies erupt in my stomach as the silence grew, disappointment settling deeply on my shoulders as my phone stayed annoyingly silent.

I let the slice I was holding in my hand fall back to my plate, my appetite suddenly vanishing,

"Thanks... for this." Yuu's quiet voice came into motion before me, nibbling his way through slowly; although he'd eaten about four slices and that was good enough for me,

"Don't worry about it," I tried to smile, masking my earlier disappointment, "It was the least I could do."

"Can I... ask you something?"

I looked up to find Yuu inched forward slightly, "O-Of course."

Yuu licked his lips nervously, "Would it be okay if I... maybe... stayed?"

His request caught me completely off guard, and I felt my eyebrows travel up my forehead,

"Stayed?"

"Yeah," Yuu murmured shyly, "You know... for the night?"

For a few seconds, I completely lacked in answer as my tongue struggled to scrape together a correct response. Stay the night? Here?

"Yuu... I don't think that's such a good idea." I tried to reason, "Don't you think your parents would be worried about you at this hour? If you're worried about walking home, I can give you a lift -"

  
"- No." Yuu cut me off, so desperately my eyes narrowed, before he straightened himself, "I mean no, it's fine. I'd rather walk."

I'd done it again. I'd failed to be that person he wanted me to be. But for him to stay over with me tonight? It triggered all kinds of wrong. He was only a teenager, albeit a teenager I didn't know all _that_ well and one that I had to constantly challenge to garner his trust and respect. Not to mention his suspicious mood swings and his sudden out of character comments - no matter how many times I put them down to his troubled mind.

Besides, how on earth would I explain that to his parents? Or to the police should they show up here again? I've already been charged for assault tonight, the last thing I wanted was to be tried for kidnapping as well.

_Aki..._

I shook the voice away and tried a more sensitive approach - one I had been trying the whole evening,

"Look, Yuu, please don't feel upset. I'm entirely grateful and flattered that you would like to stay, and that you trust me again but -" I exhaled, treading carefully for fear of upsetting him again, "- It wouldn't be right. Besides, you barely know me."

"You're wrong," Yuu replied, folding his arms somewhat defiantly, "I've only met you a few times but you... you always want to help." Another sentence came under his breath, but it was spoken so quietly I didn't catch the words under the spitting and crackling emitting from the fire,

"Of course I want to help, Yuu." I hummed sympathetically, laying my plate down on the table, "You asked for my help. And I would like to..." I paused, my eyes sweeping his fracturable form, "... Very much." I finished.

Yuu said nothing, and I caught his eyes shining in the orange light marking shadows against his injured face,

"... I know," He mumbled unhappily, though I caught a whisper of a smile, "I left the note here because you seemed nice." Yuu's lip twitched upwards, and I found myself willing it to stay there - the first smidgen of happiness that had emanated from him in so long, if not the first.

He fell silent again, gathering his words, and I let him in his own time. His expression formed into one of difficulty, almost with the pain of remembering,

"That night... I really didn't know what to do Akira..."

My chest clutched at his use of my name and I couldn't help myself. I leant forward to rest a hand on his knee, the first movement that he hadn't been scared of in a long time,

"I can only imagine," I sympathised, "It's okay. You can tell me."

He'd been so close before, I wondered if perhaps I could push him that bit further tonight. He had been running from something or some _one -_ that was as much as he had confessed. But who or what?

I don't know by what power Yuu had captivated me by. Be it that he was such a helpless kid, or that he was adorably sweet and sensitive, yet maddeningly unpredictable in nature, I had no idea. Perhaps it was the excitement of him turning my life upside down that refused to let me give up on him. Or maybe it was a mask for a distraction.

Either way, I _had_ to know. Not only for Yuu's sake, but for mine.

Yuu looks up at me, remorse lingering behind his bruised eyes as they well with tears. He doesn't say a word as they brim and spill over, dousing his cheeks.

My chest ached with sympathy as he started to cry. I took his plate from his lap and placed it on top of my own, before I crossed over to seat myself beside him.

Yuu didn't move or push me away, only muttering a gentle, "No," before he gave in to my arm gently wrapping across his shoulder, whispering reassurances into his hair as he fell into my chest calmly. His small body was warm, the locks of his hair soft as he tucked himself under my chin, my fingers threading through the strands as his small cries began to filter through and muffle themselves into the shirt covering my chest.

I held him firmly, wondering if this was what I needed to do all along. No confrontations, no questions, no forced courtesy.

Just comfort; the same of what he tried to offer me this morning by the stairs.

I rocked him back and forth, cradling him in alleviation. I wanted to banish all the bad that haunted him, to relieve him of that stress, if only for a little while. It was what I failed to do with Kai, what I had failed to do with myself.

If I could help Yuu make peace, maybe it was worth me being here after all?

I refused to let Uruha be right. I would let him rot away in that ward, with all his evilness, and still I could prove him wrong. My reason is here; it lies in this neighbourhood and it lies with Yuu.

I squeeze Yuu tighter to me as an apology bursts from his lips and he covers his face with his palms,

"You don't need to be sorry," I tell him in gentle firmness, my other hand holding his knee as his quiet sobs shake the both of us, "Just let it out Yuu..."

Whatever this burden was, it had taken over his life. It certainly seemed that way, now that Yuu's whimpers were growing louder and he trusted my words enough to let go, my shirt dampening with tears he had held in for so long,

"You're okay..." I whispered, my fingers threading through his hair as his hands grabbed onto my shirt. He buried all his pain onto me, clinging to me in complete trust, "You're okay..."

He pulled away eventually, though was incredibly hesitant as his hands still remained shaking and gripping at my chest as though leaving my arms would procure reality and all his problems to return.

With a simple caress, my thumb caught the tear streams against his cheeks as Yuu made an attempt to wipe them away with his sleeve messily; hiccups catching in his throat as he struggled to regain calmness,

"I'm here..." I reassured him, my palm running soft laps of his upper arm, "It's okay."

I barely caught the shift in Yuu's eyes before he was back in my proximity. I didn't catch him with my arms, only feeling the stain of his tears pressing tightly to my own cheeks.

_He's kissing me..._

His lips were cold and wet, pressing against mine with unrehearsed desperation. I didn't move back, shock washing over me and I sat still as stone against the couch cushions, the weight of Yuu's frail body rendering me motionless. My breath caught in my throat, my chest halting and my heart pounding.

It was a moment, but a moment too late, when I pushed Yuu away by a single palm on his shoulder and the sound of the kiss breaking echoed around us. I hung my head, keeping my hand against him for fear of him trying again.

There was no noise, just the ungainly rhythm of us panting; yet I kept my head low, unable to fathom the look on Yuu's face should I raise it,

"Akira... I'm s-so sorry." Yuu sniffled inches from me, "I... I didn't mean it."

He was making the saddest noises I'd ever heard, which prompted me to whisper, "It's alright, Yuu."

I feared I would cause him more pain, now that I had successfully managed to console him.

_But he kissed me._

No. He's confused, he'd mistaken my comfort for romance. Couple that with the ongoing sadness he was currently under and he had made the most human of mistakes.

Finally, I lifted my head, to find Yuu rubbing at his eyes and the sounds of suppressed sobs making his chest quiver. Again, I felt his pain overwhelm me, and my hand holding him at arm's length instead stroked his shoulder in further reassurance,

"Yuu, let's just forget this ever happened... alright?" I managed, though Yuu picked up on the shakiness of my words, still too taken aback to completely process what had just happened, "It was a simple mistake. It's not your fault."

Yuu nodded hesitantly, continuing to rub at his eyes in a child-like manner, "Mm-hm." He managed.

I caught the gratefulness lingering there, somewhere, and felt I didn't need to say anything more. In fact, I was content to leave our conversation for the night where it was - I wouldn't dare dream of grilling him for those answers to my questions now; less so with the awkwardness of Yuu's kiss against my lips and I had to push back all the questions that began to fill my mind,

"You should go home and get some sleep." I suggested dully, my hand still attached to his arm and I found I was almost fearful to let go.

"Okay..." Yuu sniffled, his watery eyes meeting mine, "Will I see you again?"

"Any time you want." I struggled to smile, but I knew I meant it deep down, Yuu nodding but with gentle creases forming around his eyes,

"Really?"

"I promise."

"Okay." He repeated, getting to his feet and wandering hunched over towards the hallway. I stood up to follow on shaky legs, trailing only a few feet behind him as though I were caring for a baby fawn.

He was, in some respects. A gentle creature with no malice for the world. Only a thousand secrets and an agony he wasn't willing to share with anyone else.

I opened the door for him, shivering at the frosty temperature outside; shockingly cold now the warm glow from the fire had dissipated,

"Goodnight Akira." Yuu whispered, and I felt the awkwardness evaporating as he stepped out of the house,

"Goodnight." My whisper came soundless in the icy wind, closing the door the moment Yuu had stepped off of my porch.

Free from keeping up an appearance, I let out a sound of relief and slid down the door until I met the wooden floor for the thousandth time this week. I covered my mouth with my palm, the droplets of Yuu's tears salty against my lips and I found with increasing unease that I could still taste him.

As much as I tried to convince myself countless times that Yuu had taken it the wrong way, I found I was blaming myself once again. Had I given the wrong signals, was I too forward?

Is this the best idea after all?

I was confused, utterly and completely lost. My heart pounded furiously in my chest and I had to breathe deeply in order to calm it. I cared for Yuu deeply, but for him to kiss me?

I couldn't fathom my thoughts enough to make sense of them. A grand, chaotic loop began to unfold in my mind and I could barely breathe under their weight. Only this morning had I had my heart broken by the very love of my life. Afterwards, the pain triggered had been so great, it had been enough to almost kill Uruha with. Yuu had collapsed in my arms, _cried_ in my arms and right from having my heart broken from the one I loved, I had progressed into locking lips with the very young teenager I was trying to help,

"This doesn't make any sense..." I groaned, clutching my temples with both hands. I had experienced too much unsettlement for one day, going through more emotions in 24 hours than most go through in a lifetime.

The house itself was a grim reminder of my sudden loneliness now that Yuu had gone and the more I sat here, the more I began to detest the aura of silence. It was an entryway; the perfect passage to the damaging process of my own thinking.

I had to get out.

I grabbed my coat and keys and locked the front door behind me, determined to let the fresh air awaken my mind and rid me of all these mindful occurrences that continue to plague my livelihood. I stopped short once I reached the bottom step of my porch, carefully looking into the street in fear of Yuu still being here.

Luckily I found no one, save for a figure a little way away to my left. I narrowed my eyes, already watering with the cold, but I found the resemblance uncanny, taking a cautious step back in case he were to see me.

Yuu stood with his hands tucked furiously into his pockets in front of the house next door, though luckily from this angle, and concealed by the darkness of night, he couldn't find me. My neighbours were sound asleep, every light in the house switched off and the remainder of the neighbourhood sat in silence, save for the south-westerly wind howling its way through the streets and rustling the branches of the curb-side maple trees.

I watched him look cautiously over his shoulder; not only in the direction of my house but of every other as well,

"Who are you looking for, Yuu?" I whispered under my breath, crouching down as I continued to observe. Was he waiting for someone to pick him up?

It was then he seemed content as the wind died down, moving his feet quietly as though not to wake.

I watched him move up the porch.

... And disappear into the house next door.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This took a LONG TIME and I can only sincerely apologise for that m(_ _)m I've been working a lot, and partying a lot xD I hope you can forgive me <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy and it was worth the wait - I won't be surprised if this reaches 20 chapters lolol ((;; O.e) <3


	13. Author's Note

My gosh, this is SOO late! m(_ _)m 

I cannot stress how sincerely sorry I am that it has been MONTHS since I have updated W.of.C ((; T////T) I am the worst author in history fufufu~ 

I'm just dropping a note to let everyone know that this series is not dead, and that I am working on it right this moment just life has gotten in the way of me being able to sit down and write and update it more frequently. The next chapter is looking to be insanely short, but I hope it will still be worth the wait <3 

Thank you to all you lovely readers for keeping this going and for continuing to read. I hope the next chapter will be up today~ I'm working super hard to get it perfect <3

Thank you!! xoxo

~ Emi


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Determined to discover the truth, Akira starts to discover Yuu's secrets... only to unveil more terror than he realised.

*

 

My unsettled mind birthed nightmares. Throughout the horrors of the day, it seemed they had found their way into my dreams too. I tossed and turned, waking every hour, every half, and then eventually every minute; too afraid and listless to try and sleep again.

I prayed Kai would call me again, in the middle of the night as he had done countless of times in the past. Though the more I stared at my phone quiet and unresponsive on the end table, I knew deep down that he wouldn't call, not even when I needed him the most.

_Had I missed my chance?_

I snatched myself upright, throwing the covers off of me and smoothing my palms across my face, eyes tired with fatigue and frustration. This whole day had been a mess; one that I was tired of fighting. Kai hated me and Yuu was...

Well, that was just it. I couldn't fathom what Yuu was. Not anymore.

I crossed the room to my bedroom window on tired feet, stopping to lean against the wall and look to the neighbouring house; a window I had closed many a time to shut out their incessant arguments and screams.

I sighed through my nose -  is this what Yuu had been afraid to tell me all along?

Those voices that I heard... had they been his? And was it arguments with his parents that I had so wrongly ignored?

Although I felt one step closer to the truth, the thousands of questions it brought made me feel as though I had been pushed back by a mile.

I stayed awake the rest of the early morning, taking a hot shower, sipping countless cups of tea and tidying the house to make it look at least homely again. Perhaps it was my desperation to feel some sort of order; right now I just needed to feel like my home was back to being that safe haven I had so dreamt on first arrival. Lately it had been anything but. Fighting, screaming, police visits, the tears, the disarray; this was nowhere near the fresh start I had longed for.

When dawn broke and I could hear the songs of birds chirping in the maple trees, I sat against the living room window with a plate of what amount of breakfast I had managed to scrape together from the empty fridge. I sat with my legs tucked beneath me in the armchair, eyes fixated on next door's front porch obsessively. What I had hoped to find, I didn't know. But part of me wished that Yuu would emerge so I could at least confront him about something I had evidence for.

Expectantly, he didn't come, and my disappointment burned stronger than I realised it was worth.

Until I heard the familiar ring of my phone.

I was up in an instant, the chime blaring throughout the house like I had so wanted to hear all this time.

I snatched it from its place on the dining table, pressing it to my ear without single hesitation, waiting for that familiar hello and the voice that would drown away all my troubles in its softness,

"Akira, it's me."

I hadn't meant to sigh so loudly, "Yes, I know, I know, I'm running behind schedule."

My agent.

I was certain I heard a curse word under her breath, "Akira, _how_ many times have we had this conversation?"

"Probably too many times to count." I confessed nonchalantly after a moment's thought, sinking back into the arm chair and bracing for the lecture no doubt coming,

"I have given you countless opportunities to reach your deadlines on this one," She exasperated, though I kept most of my attention fixed firmly onto the street outside, "You have no idea how many times I have put my neck on the line for you. It's not good enough, Akira, do you hear me?"

"Loud and clear," I replied flatly, "Look, just give me until tomorrow. I'll have the manuscript finished and emailed directly to your office, alright?"

"Tomorrow," She echoed my words back to me in firm warning, "This is your last chance, Akira, do you understand me? The publisher's will drop you if I don't give them something by then."

"I understand," I pinched the bridge of my nose, "Trust me, I won't disappoint them."

She seemed hesitant to believe me, "You'd better not. Just get it done."

I hung up the phone and tossed it to the sofa, knowing deep down she was serving me tough love for my own benefit; but how I could concentrate on my career now knowing my personal life was going up in flames was beyond me. In fact, not once in these past two weeks had I even thought about my next book or touched that manuscript. Then, perhaps working on it would help distract me from everything; give me a chance to pour my feelings into a positive outlet.

My eyes scrolled to the dining table; the chairs still knocked over and spilled across the floor from my altercation the other day with Yuu. Despite the need for order, I hadn't found it in myself to place the chairs back to how they were before. Somewhere, I almost believed I couldn't. It had reminded me of my brutality; of my grief, and how I just _couldn't_ bring myself to that level ever again.

I pictured Yuu's face from that night; terrified and cowering at my mercy. I felt the guilt strike hard in my stomach; at how I had tried to help him in the worst ways possible; he had needed me and I let him down time and time again.

Not now. Not anymore.

Ten minutes later I found myself standing outside the front door of the small bungalow, my hands curling into fists as I shoved them tight into my coat pockets. November was approaching with a brisk and alarming coldness and I spied the sprinkles of frost gathering along the wooden railings of Yuu's porch.

I raised my fist to knock, mentally practicing a speech just in case it happened to be Yuu's parents that answered the door. Although, given all that has happened, they didn't seem the loving family type, and perhaps that was where all Yuu's troubles were stemming from.

 

_Dear Mister,_

_Help me._

Four words, yet they were powerful enough for me to only imagine what could have prompted Yuu to leave that kind of note for me. And for him to have been living next door to me all of this time?

I squeezed the bridge of my nose behind my glasses. How I was dealing with this much was beyond me. How could I even get to the bottom of this? Better yet, how could I be of any help?

I sighed.

_But I'm determined to try._

The door creaked open on its walnut brown hinges, and from between them I spied Yuu's dark eyes peaking out timidly, to my grateful relief,

"H-Hello?"

I slanted my head slightly, "Yuu, it's me."

Yuu really did react then, gasping the vowels of my name before he attempted to slam the door in my face. I acted quickly, desperately forcing a foot forward to wedge it between the door and hold it in place. Yuu pushed against me with little success, and after seconds of trying he seemed frantic to try and get me away,

"Akira, what are you doing here?!"

"You need to tell me what's going on," I told him sternly, "And I'm not going anywhere without an answer."

"I -" Yuu started, before a voice sounded in the background, male and echoing closer. Yuu's head snapped back to mine, his words coming thick and fast in strained whispers, "Akira, y-you have to leave!"

"I can't Yuu," I defied, "You need to start being honest with me and there is no way, after everything I have been through, that I am backing down now - "

Before I could finish, Yuu was grabbing me and pulling me inside the house by my arm. I only caught a glimpse of the hallway; a skinny build with pale yellow wallpaper and faded white wood floorboards; and before my eyes could attach to further detail, Yuu was pushing me through a door situated to the side.

A utility room, or at least that was the impression. The old washing machine and tumble dryer both looked like they hadn't seen fresh laundry for months. In fact, the entire space was dusty and unused; cobwebs dangling from the ceiling corners in sheer abandonment.

It was unlike any other house I had visited; and certainly not as comfy cosy as it had appeared on the outside.

Yuu finally released me, disappearing behind me to tug at a rusty iron latch situated at the far corner of the room. He pulled with desperation and I gathered the distinct impression that whoever that voice had been a few moments ago - they would not be delighted to see Yuu with the likes of me,

"Yuu - ?" I started, my eyes creasing as I continued to watch him wrench the hatch open with his bare hands,

"Shh!" Yuu hissed my way, pulling the large hatch open the moment he broke the lock. I peered down into what it revealed below; a dark and dusty looking basement with an old wooden ladder leading towards its blackness,

"Come on, down here!" Yuu whispered frantically, taking hold of my wrist again and giving me a pull.

I resisted him with the most bewildered expression I could manage, "Yuu, what the hell has gotten into you?!"

"Please, Akira, _please!"_ Yuu was begging me, and I could have sworn there were tears of fear in his eyes, " _Please,_ I will tell you everything but just come with me!"

An instinct told me I should do as he said, no matter the millions of thoughts of doubt that were once again plaguing my mind. I saw that same terror on his face and I once again fell victim to it.

After a moment's hesitation, I stepped down the ladder carefully; fragments of dust making my eyes water as it creaked underneath my weight. Step by step, I lowered myself down into the darkness, an increasing settlement of unease resting heavily on my chest.

I reached the bottom, coughing in the dingy atmosphere. Yuu slowly followed, flicking on a nearby light switch. The basement lit up, albeit only slightly; from the single light bulb hanging by a thin wire dangling above our heads. Our shoes collected groans from the old wooden floorboards; the substructure atypical to anything else that would be stored down here. Rusty wooden boxes, a stack of metal shelving housing unused gym equipment, old towels and other miscellaneous belongings. Among the clutter lay a pair of green garden chairs, faded and worn with the sunlight creeping through the chips in the foundation high above our heads. Beyond them, an old mattress that looked unusually exempt of dust or decay.

I daren't touch anything and simply waited for Yuu's back to turn and face me,

"I'm sorry..." Yuu whispered, a sheepish expression on his face. He stuffed his hands into his jean pockets and his shoulders hunched over, quietly listening for any signs of movement above us, "I couldn't let them see you."

"You... had better start talking," I began slowly, in as quiet a volume as I could muster. In all truth, I felt like shouting; never before had I been this confused and misled. And in all truth, hiding in a basement with a 17-year-old kid in a stranger's house was nowhere near my idea of comfortable, "Yuu, how could you have lied to me this entire time?!"

"I know..." Yuu mumbled somewhat pathetically, his eyes drifting down to stare at the dirty and worn out state of his trainers.

I ran a hand through my hair in frustration, "You were living _next door_ to me the entire time! The _whole_ time! Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"

I was trying so hard not to sound livid, but I couldn't help it that everything was making sense now; the puzzle pieces merging together one after the other. It explained how Yuu always turned up at just the right moment, or how remarkably often he seemed to be standing outside my home,

"... Have you been spying on me?" I asked bluntly, unable to help myself, even as Yuu looked up at me with disdain; the insult at my question casting shadows across his fatigued features,

"No, I wasn't," He hissed back, "Why do you always have to treat me like I'm an idiot?"

I sighed deeply, "I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this, Yuu," I reasoned, "You have closed yourself off to me from the moment we met. I know we've had our ups and downs but you cannot hide this from me anymore. Especially not after the stunt you just pulled! Pulling me into a basement and hiding like I'm a damn criminal!"

  
Yuu shifted his weight from one foot to the other; sheepish and uncomfortable, "You wouldn't understand." He mumbled after a moment's thought.

I remained undeterred, "So help me to," I stepped forward in his direction, taking hold of his shoulders in the most gentlest of movements I could manage, "Yuu, I'm here to help."

Yuu said nothing, in this moment still avoiding eye contact. I breathed out calmly through my nose, still conscious of the male voice I'd heard only a few moments ago.

I paused to wonder if that had been his father after all; yet doubt was pulling me back.

I couldn't place it... but something about this just didn't feel right. And even though I had only been here for less than five minutes, I suspected very much that this house resembled anything other than a home,

"You shouldn't be here," Yuu eventually whispered, bringing me out of my own thoughts, "You shouldn't have come."

I bit my tongue as I felt a counteraction form on my tongue; realising that arguing this out of him wasn't going to be the best solution - look how well that had worked for me in the past,

"Why not?" I asked instead,

"It's dangerous," Yuu glanced over his shoulder towards the ladder for good measure, "Th-They should be leaving soon... and once they do, I'll sneak you out the back -"

"- Yuu, hey, slow down..." I took hold of his arm, "What do you mean it's dangerous here?"

I waited for the rest of his words to come, to fill in the gaps as he had so promised. Perhaps it was the darkness, or the fragments of dust, but the air around us made Yuu transform into a subject of malnourishment. The more my eyes roamed his figure, it was impossible to miss. He looked malformed, shrouded in discontentment.

Somewhere in my chest, my heart rippled with aches; the anger and confusion from before dissipating to almost nothing,

"If they find you... they'll hurt you," Yuu's voice was shaky and timid, and that uneasy feeling in my stomach plummeted deeper until I felt my knees weaken,

"Who?" I whispered back, "Who will hurt me, Yuu?"

A  bang made us both startle, yet Yuu quivered in the most physical form of terror I had ever witnessed,

"Yuu... hey," I reached out to touch his shoulder, "It's alright."

The shock faded and Yuu shook his head meekly, brushing my hand away, "No..." He muttered glumly, "No, it's not."

His dark eyes scanned the wooden steps while I searched for the right words to say. Something that would reassure him of all of his worries.

_It's dangerous here..._

_If they find you... they'll hurt you..._

_"Aki..."_

I closed my eyes.

_"Come find me..."_

That darkness was creeping upon me again. The same one I met inside Uruha's hospital room. The same darkness that took hold the second my hands wound around his throat and squeezed. In here, even with Yuu beside me, I could feel that same black foreshadowing simmering in the air around us. My gut feeling burned with the strongest will to escape; the answers to Yuu's questions would come sooner or later.

Right now, something told me to run, and to take Yuu with me,

"Yuu, we have to leave," My words were urgent, "We have to leave right now."

Yuu blocked my path as I made for the ladder, "N-No! You can't!"

" _Listen_ to me," My teeth were almost gritted tight together with the criticality, "Whatever it is, or _who_ ever it is that is making you feel unsafe here, Yuu, we shouldn't be lingering! For now, nothing you have said to me has made the slightest bit of sense. All I know is that you are scared to be here, from what I don't know yet, but I _will_ find out and when I do, I swear to God, I will do everything that I can to -"

  
Another loud bang sounded from above; sounding like a door slamming. I found myself holding my breath, a thick and cigarette-smoke polluted voice echoing vehemently not too far from our shelter,

"Where the fuck is he?!" That man from earlier, I suspected; footsteps accompanying his thunderous rage, "Get the fuck here you pathetic _runt!_ We're leaving!!"

I felt a jolt of brief disgust and, as I turned to look at him, I realised it was Yuu he was referring to,

"Stay here," Yuu mumbled, startling himself into motion and ascending the ladder. He paused halfway, half turning his head where I spied that bruise now yellow and sore stained on his skin, "Wait five minutes, then escape out the back."

"Yuu!" I called after him as quietly as I could, yet more shouts from upstairs followed, from the same man, "Yuu! Wait!"

Yuu didn't stop for me, and I was left to watch helplessly as the hatch slammed shut in my face. I sighed with intense frustration and strained my ears to listen further, my heart caught in my throat and hammering wildly in my chest.

These men... was Yuu a captive here? And what was his purpose, if any?

I couldn't help but run through the hundreds of possibilities. Was he a missing child, taken from his family and brainwashed by the hands of these people? Abused? Or a runaway that had fallen into the wrong hands?

After hearing the voices quieten down somewhat, I decided to take the risk and exit the basement. I pushed my hand against the hatch tentatively, making sure I had fully scanned the room before I dared to climb out completely.

I followed Yuu's instructions; tiptoeing my way out of the near-abandoned laundry room and making my way back towards the hollow hallway. The pale yellow wallpaper peeled at various intervals in the paintwork; the wooden trim scratched beyond repair. The floorboards weren't much better; covered with a very thin layer of grime - I very much doubted it had seen a vacuum cleaner or a mop for months, if not longer.

Silence encased the house as I followed the hallway towards the back of the house; two doors at the end. One to my left, fully closed, and the other in front of me off to the side slightly ajar. I tapped it open with my foot, spying the green decay of kitchen counters and cabinets. The stench was inescapable. Old cartons of soup, ramen cups and pizza delivery boxes littered the sides; the silver sink absent of shine and instead coated in limescale; the taps almost turned copper with rust.

I couldn't help but cover my mouth with my arm to combat the gag reflex rising in my throat. Who in their right mind would be able to live in such poor conditions?

This was definitely not a home... and Yuu had been living here this whole time. Like this?

The back door was situated beside a worn old fridge, as Yuu had promised, and I wasted no time in twisting the handle; desperate for fresh air to rid me of the intense stench that suffocated the kitchen. I climbed down the steps and cautiously peered around the back of the house, hearing a car engine rumbling in the distance along with the barking orders of the man I had heard before.

Looking over my shoulder for good measure, I kept low and scaled along the cottage's outer wall. The material of my clothing scraped along the render, yet I remained undetected as I finally reached the porch and crouched low.

There, I looked out onto the street, where I spied the figures of Yuu and another man making their way towards a red Cadillac-looking vehicle that had mounted upon the curb side, engine spitting and groaning as it hummed. I heard angry instructions being shouted at Yuu's way over the sound of the broken engine, his shoulder being shoved by the man into the direction of the car's rear seat.

From this angle, I couldn't see the man's face; only a dark haircut, grey t-shirt and baggy sweatpants. The glimpse of a cigarette held in his right hand came into my view as he gestated wildly; all the while Yuu dipped his head low, nodding along.

I knew the flinch I saw in his face was no mistake.

The man watches Yuu get into the car, pointing in his face and making further glowering remarks. I so desperately wished I could hear what he was saying, though knew if I stepped any closer my cover would have been blown.

Judging from what Yuu had told me down in that basement, I didn't exactly want to be dealt a confrontation by these people.

My heart clutched as the dark-haired man leant over... and I caught a glint of silver tucked into the waistband of his sweatpants.

_A knife..._

"Oh my God..." I whispered aloud, reaching into my pocket and taking out my phone. My hands visibly shaking, I managed to take a photo of the car's license plate, then an image of the man leaning into the car. I took one after the other, shot after shot, silently praying as time passed by that he wouldn't lay a hand on Yuu. I had to show something to the police; even when before I had no evidence besides that note that Yuu had left me. I had it now, and maybe it would help them to help me. To help Yuu.

But for these men to carry a knife in broad daylight? To shove a kid into a car? To publicly scream into his face?

"What the hell is going on?" I muttered under my breath, shoving my phone into my pocket as the man finally ceased his muffled complaints and set about seating himself in the car. I knew I fathomed all the worst case scenarios in my head and in my dreams last night, but nowhere had I even contemplated that any one of them could have been true.

The front door slammed on its hinges and I jumped near to a mile,

"Boss, wait up!"

Another man called from just above my head on the porch, and I pressed myself tight to the wall; my heart pounding fearfully. I closed my eyes with relief as I seemed to remain out of sight; daring to lean my head around the decking once more and gaze upon the scene that befell me.

As I watched a taller, blonde and heavily tattooed man jog up towards the car, he pulled his friend in by his shoulder and leant towards his ear. The smaller man, the 'boss', appeared startled, waving his arm back to the direction of the house. The blonde complied immediately, and I managed to conceal myself once more as he ran past me; footsteps pitter-pattering up the foundation steps and back inside the house.

Thereafter soon followed the sounds of car doors slamming, and before I know it, that red car is already setting off down the street,

"Oh shit." I cursed under my breath, standing to my feet as an instant reaction.

Where were they taking Yuu? And why?!

I had to follow them, I _had_ to find out what they were going to do to him.

I ran to my car parked in my driveway, feeling my feet slip on the frosty grass that separated our houses. I dug deep inside my coat pocket for the keys, my fingers still trembling from the adrenaline,

"Come on, _come on_!" I shouted to no one, finally locating them and pushing the 'unlock' button. My Mustang's lights glinted and I wasted no time in tearing the door open.

Then there was a hand on my shoulder.

Followed by pain... a striking pain dominating the back of my skull.

... Darkness.

_"Aki..."_

_*_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter was the most trying out of all the others I had written. I suffered intense writer's block, deleted and rewrote this what felt like hundreds of times and got frustrated when my writing style lacked T//T 
> 
> Nevertheless, I hope it was worth the wait and it still keeps to the same style and is (hopefully) still as good a read as all the rest (please tell me if not and I will work on it ^^) . Hopefully I can stay on track and I can only apologise it has taken so long to produce and publish. I hope you all enjoy, thank you so much for sticking with me this far <3


	15. Author's Note II

Hello my lovely readers~~ 

Yet again i'm here on an apology for the lateness of this next chapter </3 

Windows has decided to try and update my laptop, and in doing so has caused it to crash, try to remove the updates only to stay like that for hours on end. (_ _)" 

I've tried everything to fix it; going to forums for troubleshooting advice, turning my laptop off and on etc. and sadly nothing has worked.

Because of this, I haven't been able to finish the latest chapter; of which I am literally about 3 paragraphs away from finishing. 

Right now i'm just worried about getting my laptop fixed because otherwise I won't see the light of day on this next chapter again and I really don't want to lose all this work *headdesk* 

So! Once Microsoft is done fucking it over, I will be back in business (which I am so praying for because my laptop is my life lmao) ^^" 

I'll keep you all updated and once again, thank you so much for your understanding. How I came to earn such wonderful readers is beyond me. I don't deserve any of you <3 

Much love,

Emi xoxo


	16. Chapter 16

 

_28th May 2008_

_... Two Years Ago_

 

My foot pressed gently against the accelerator, sunglasses glinting against the mid-morning sun shining brightly across the fields one after another. A cigarette hovering in between my lips, I sang along to the CD playing '90s rock anthems through the speakers of the stereo; tapping my fingers against the leather steering wheel as I drove my car smoothly around the endless collection of twists and turns.

Summer was approaching; I could feel it in the mild air and in the humidity. Petals of nearby cherry blossom trees zoomed by as the south-westerly wind carried them across the splendour of the corn fields. I wound down the windows and inhaled the soothing scent of freshly cut grass; spying the dozens of tractors and farming vehicles scattered across the crop fields; ready in time for the harvest,

"Not a bad place to be, sis," I smiled to myself, green forestry and maple trees scattered all around. Along the side of the hills, across the land; no space was left untouched. It was a far cry of peace in comparison to the smog and concrete congestion I found back home in the city.

I smiled fondly, "Not bad at all."

My mobile lit up on its holder against the dashboard, and I immediately grinned at the name on display,

"Hello Kai." I chirped, wasting no second in answering,

"I'm sorry is that _Akira Suzuki_?!" Kai feigned innocence and I couldn't help but chuckle, "New York Times Bestselling Author two years in a row?!"

"Alright, alright," I waved my hand, my cheeks almost flushing as hotly as the outside temperature, "It's just a couple of books -"

"A couple of books?!" Kai echoed, as though I'd lost my mind, "Aki, I just walked into that huge bookstore downtown and saw your name _everywhere!_  You're on their 'best upcoming author' list. Your books are in the display window!!"

"Well, I hope my fan mail reads as good as your reaction," I beamed with an accompanying laugh, flicking my blunt cigarette out the window before closing it up again, "I never knew you were the type to be this star-struck."

"Can't I just be proud of a friend?" Kai reasoned, and I could almost imagine the creases in his eyes as he smiled through the phone at me.

I rolled my eyes, "Well... I guess."

"Thank you!" Kai was ecstatic, "Oh! Can I use it as bait for the restaurant? I want _all_ my customers to know that I know you. You! The infamous Akira Suzuki, New York Times Best Selling -!"

"- _Kai!"_ I emphasised, "If you say it one more time I'm going to go mad!" I turned the radio down, shifting my sunglasses on my nose; unable to help that overt smile still glued to my face, "Look, tell who you want OK? Besides, your restaurant doesn't need any help. It's doing just fine on its own. It's _you_ I should be proud of."

_Who I am proud of, _I thought to myself,

"Alright, no need to turn mushy," Kai's shyness was positively adorable and it sent my already good mood soaring, "I just called to say I hope you have a fun weekend with the family."

"I can hardly wait," I replied honestly, watching the white clouds glide overhead against a crisp blue sky, "After all the press tours and meetings, I am ready to spend some quality time with my sister and nieces. I haven't seen them since they moved out here a month ago!"

"Such a bad brother..." Kai tutted playfully, "You're letting all this fame go to your head."

"Shut up," I laughed outwardly, a large sign soon rolling into view as I approached the village up ahead,

 

_Hiyoshicho Kozomi_

 "Hey, Kai, listen, I'm almost there so I gotta go, OK?"

"Alright," Kai said, "Hey, Uruha said about doing dinner sometime next week? Let me know when you're back and we can sort something out, OK?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world." My heart warmed, as it always did whenever Kai thought of me or invited me to another of his social gatherings; he always had everything planned down to the last detail.

I was just happy that I was always the first person he asked.

I hung up after our normal exchange of goodbyes; Kai emphasising my full name just for further dramatic effect. I was still smiling and shaking my head by the time I had pulled into a small side street off the main road, removing my shades to scan the small cottages one by one,

"106... 106... Ah! Here we are..."

The house really was as pretty as my mother had described; a small beige bungalow with a tiny front porch and chocolate coloured roof tiles. A bright pastel-coloured slide and several outdoor toys littered the open garden messily; no doubt down to the twinned trouble that were my nieces.

I swung the Mustang into the befitting driveway, tucking it as closely behind my sister's car as much as I could manage without the remainder of my car sticking out onto the road. Although the house was quaint, I didn't expect it to have so little space.

I exited the car with a deep sigh and stretched; the one hour journey aching my back and knees.

Of course, it only took micro-seconds before my legs were trapped in two pairs of tiny four-year-old arms,

"Uncle Aki!!" Their screams were in perfect unison and I looked down to spy the pair of brunette heads clinging to me,

A made a noise of complete, and pretend, surprise, "Ah, you got me! How did you two get so sneaky?!"

The pair of them giggled, releasing me as I kneeled down to their level,

"Hello my sweethearts. It's so nice to see you." I smiled warmly, pulling them both into a hug.

Reiko, to my left, had always been the chattier of the two. Her long dark hair plaited in two perfect bunches tucked under her ears, she pointed at the Mustang; her dark eyes wide and her little round face swelling with excitement,

"Uncle Aki, is this _your_ car?!"

"It's my new one," I pinched her side playfully, "Do you like it?"

"Mm!" She nodded enthusiastically, "It's red like the strawberries Mummy gets! They are so yummy, I ate a _whole_ five this morning."

I gasped overdramatically, earning a loud giggle in return, "Five?! That's more than your age!"

There was no stopping Reiko then; the toddler then setting about telling me everything new and exciting in her four-year-old world. Luckily for me, she rushed back towards the front door to fetch a new toy to show me, and I could finally turn to Mariko.

Small and shy, she smiled toothlessly; the spitting image of her twin sister, yet her face was somehow pointier. Chocolate bangs covered her forehead and she swung side to side, curling the hem of her white dress in her fists,

"Hey Mari," I whispered, knowing she was the least bit as boisterous and 'out-there' as her sister. Quieter, Mariko preferred the smallest of tasks with the least amount of fuss. A lot like myself really,

"Would you like to help me take my bags out of the car?" I asked her, to which I earned a very small, but happy nod.

Gosh, how I'd missed seeing these two. The first grandchildren in our family and my parents couldn't have been more proud; we made sure to see them all the time, as often as we could. That was, until Sakiko could no longer cope with raising them both in a small apartment and so decided to make the hour-long move to the outskirts of Kyoto.

At first, I had been a little miffed. They were my family after all. Yet, seeing the place now; with its quirks and the quietness of the countryside; the backdrop of Kyoto's forest-dressed mountains in the distance behind us, I was instantly coming to realise my sister had made the right decision.

My very sibling came to emerge at the front door once I had handed Mariko a very light gift bag to take into the house - a small present for all three of them stored inside,

"About time, Mr Big-Time Author." My sister mocked, and I raised my head to find her with her arms folded and sending a wry smile my way; her slender figure an hourglass in the open doorway,

"Oh please," I waved a hand, crinkling my nose, "I get enough of that from Mum and Dad," I thought a moment, " _And_ Kai."

Sakiko chuckled, waiting until I had pulled out my small suitcase and pushed the car boot closed. Mariko toddled forward on timid legs in front of me, reaching up to wrap her delicate fingers around the car keys dangling from my own; the next best thing to holding my hand,

"Hey, Mari..?" I murmured, "Why don't you go ahead and give that to Mummy?"

Mariko nodded and wandered ahead to greet Sakiko; my sister immediately beaming as she took the bag by its gold handles;

"Oh, you didn't have to do this," She gushed, yet couldn't resist the urge to peer inside, just like I knew she would,

"Yes, I did," I argued softly, "I haven't seen you since March. Besides, it's only a little something. Call it a late Easter present."

"Thank you," My sister smiled warmly, her hazel eyes shining in the sun before we were close enough that I could finally give her a hug, "And nice car," She whispered against my shoulder, "Think you could get me one?"

I chuckled heartily, "If you honestly believe I have another 3 million Yen stored in my bank account to spend on you, you can forget it."

Her laughter was one I'd missed; light and airy. That older sister that I had loved my entire childhood; the one who had bathed my scraped knees, taken me for ice cream and protected me from the cruel pranks of my older, and much bigger, classmates.

Sakiko pulled back to face me, her eyes twinkling against the sunlight, "It's nice to have you here, Akira."

I held her hand tight,

"You're my family," I affirmed, "I wouldn't miss seeing you for the world."

 

*

 

The twins wasted no time in giving me a grand tour of the house, and before I even managed to take off my shoes, Reiko was militantly raving about the new swing set in the back garden, demanding I see it first before anything else.

Mariko, on the other hand, simply stood by my side and waited patiently until she could hold my hand again,

"Rei, slow down," My sister disciplined gently, with a small giggle, "Give your uncle time to get into the house, please."

"Hurryyyy!" Reiko moaned regardless and I couldn't help but laugh at her impatience,

"Alright, Rei, alright," I surrendered, kicking my shoes into the rack hurriedly, "Come and show me."

Reiko talked my ear off; all the way through the open rustic kitchen, into the neutral-coloured living room, through the patio doors and even when we were out in the garden and she had showed me that indeed stunning set of swings she had so grandly described. It took mere seconds for her to lose interest, however, and toddle her way into showing me yet another toy that she just _had_ to display proudly.

Mariko, as per, followed along quietly, her tiny fingers gripping tightly to mine the entire time, except for when she clambered into my lap the moment Sakiko and I got the chance to sit down and talk come lunch time,

"You'll have to forgive Reiko," She apologised meekly, handing me a warm cup of Jasmine tea in a small ceramic teacup, "She's going through a phase of showing off at the moment. She just _loves_ telling people all about her belongings. I don't know what's gotten into her."

I laughed, "She reminds me of you when you went into that phase."

My sister sank into the armchair opposite with a look of fake disdain, "I'm sure I have no idea what you mean."

I sat back against the beige sofa with Mariko on my lap, curled against my chest as she fiddled with the small doll she had collected from the gift bag I had brought - already so fixated with my present for her; so much so that I was delighted. Reiko, being Reiko, had taken hers to her bedroom; insistent that she had to introduce it to all of her other 'dollies' first.

The sunlight beamed through the floor-to-ceiling windows, brightening the floorboards and the colourful belongings of my sister's home. Crochet blankets covered both the sofa and the armchair, with a matching rug underneath the coffee table sitting in between. A molten brick fireplace was embedded proudly in the wall, a small widescreen television suspended above the modest collection of photo frames atop the mantelpiece; both of my sister and the girls during a recent photo shoot. Sakiko had posted the very same set to me in the mail, yet, unlike her, I hadn't found the perfect place to put them just yet,

"So go on," Sakiko started, as we both heard Reiko singing loudly to herself somewhere outside, "Be as brutally honest as Mum and Dad were... how do you like it? The house?"

I squeezed Mariko tighter to me and smiled, "Oh, don't tell me. Mum had to find at least _something_ wrong with it."

Our mother was not the easiest woman to please. It made every Christmas and birthday more stressful than was necessary. Nowadays, I just bought her vouchers and had done with it; but as far as I could remember, there was always going to be the odd occasion where she critiqued at least one of her children for their life choices. This time, it just happened to be Sakiko,

"You know she did," Sakiko sighed, "Told me it was too small for the girls and that sooner or later I would be moving back to Kyoto."

I rolled my eyes, "Sakiko, this place is twice the size of your old apartment," I tried to reassure her. Despite my sister's tough resilience as a single mother, an older sister and countless other traits, my parents' criticism was always something she took to heart; as did we all, "It's better for the girls, it's quieter, the neighbourhood is small and friendly; not to mention you can let them play here without worrying about them every waking second."

She took my words on board reluctantly, "I know, you're right," She managed a smile, "I just have to remember why I moved out here in the first place."

I reached out and took her hand, "Hey," I comforted, "I know it's hard. But you have me. And if you need anything, any time, you know where I am, OK?"

She scoffed with a grin, "If you think I am letting you spend your hard-earned royalties on my problems, you can forget about it," She let go of my hand playfully, "It is bad enough that you already have that trust fund for the girls. I can't ask any more of you, Akira -"

"- I wanted to do that," I interjected, watching her shoulders sag as she gives in, "Saki, you already do an amazing job at providing for these girls. You've done it on your own for four years, I'm not taking that away from you."

I looked down at Mariko, stroking her hair as she nestles into me, dozy with sleep,

"I did it for the girls because they are my only nieces," I continued, kissing Mari's hair, "The money is there for them and I've always told you, you can do whatever you want with it."

"I know..." Sakiko sighed, "But what about when you have your own children? What then?"

I shrugged, "Sis, I hardly doubt I can see me having kids in my distant future, can you?"

"Well... what's so wrong about that?"

_Oh, here we go,_ I thought inwardly, already rolling my eyes,

"You might find a nice boy, settle down somewhere like I have here..." Sakiko waves a hand at our surroundings.

I couldn't help but nearly choke on my next sip of tea, "You are joking right? _Please_ tell me you're joking."

Sakiko laughed, no doubt at how wide my eyes were, "Come on! What is with you? Mum was right, you are so picky!"

"I'm not -" I had to bite my tongue, Kai's face flashing through my mind, "... Picky." I finished lamely.

Sakiko caught on immediately... having been the only member of my family that knew how much I felt for Kai. How much I still felt for him.

Try as I might, I don't want to still feel this way; especially on visits to his house where I have to fake smile to Uruha and pretend that everything is fine.

The truth is every time I see them so much as kiss, I feel my heart shatter all over again,

"Is there really no hope?" Sakiko leans forward to place a gentle hand on my knee, the nooks of her gold bracelet scratching through my chinos,

"... Not unless Uruha vanishes off the face of the Earth," My offered smile is a bleak one, "Besides, Kai is happy now. Three months in and the restaurant is doing really well and he and Uruha are even thinking of getting a place together."

I took a sip of my lukewarm tea, my sister watching me closely,

"And you're OK with that?" She asks me bluntly.

I sighed, doubt tugging my chest, "I have to be, Saki," I adjusted myself as gently as I could; all of a sudden uncomfortable yet not wanting to stir Mariko, "He's moved on without me... I just have to find a way to do the same."

We only spent a moment in silence before Sakiko's predicted question came; the same one I had asked myself a  thousand times over,

"And can you?"

I had no answer for her... none that would be truthful anyhow,

"I don't know..." I whispered, "... I don't think I ever will."

Nor do I ever want to.

 

*

 

Evening settled in quicker than I had anticipated, the day passing by in a flash; whether from enjoying myself too much with the girls, or from the fact that it was the only day off I'd managed to attain in months, I had no clue.

All I knew was that being here with family made me never want to leave,

"Dinner's served! Girls go wash your hands!" Sakiko called from the kitchen; halting my role play pirate adventure with Reiko and Mariko swiftly. Together they ran towards the bathroom, Reiko, as ever, the only voice we could hear booming the entire journey there,

"This smells so good sis," I approached the countertops and inhaled the welcoming scent of her infamous honey duck with spring vegetables and sticky rice dish. To this day, I still hadn't convinced her to give me the recipe, "Are you sure I can't give you a hand?"

"No, you're a guest," Sakiko's cheeks were flushed, her hair pulled back in a messy bun and her apron spattered with stains. She looked the very personification of what a mother should be and I couldn't help smiling to myself, "Now go and sit down, I'll handle this."

I did as she instructed, seating myself at the dining table in the corner. The patio doors left open, I savoured the feel of the cool evening air seeping through the house; the small river that ran at the back of Sakiko's home music to my ears in the distance.

The twins were running back by the time Sakiko was placing our plates on the table,

"I want to sit next to Uncle Aki!!" Reiko screeched, clambering on the seat besides mine, though I couldn't help but catch Mariko's look of upset over her shoulder,

"Mari, here," I pulled out the chair at the other side of me, "You sit next to me too."

I earned a smile then, and Mariko adorably climbed her way into the seat, still clutching that doll I had given her.

I smiled, a humble feeling rushing through me.

Over dinner, Sakiko and I continued to catch up; discussing Mum and Dad, Sakiko's new job at the school along with my own career ventures and meaningless other formalities. Of course, we had the occasional interruption from Reiko about some childish topic with very little relevance. But it was relevant to her, so of course we listened and exaggerated our interest with wide eyes and countless "Ohhhh"'s,

"This is delicious, Saki," I hummed, already halfway through my meal, "Girls, what do we say to Mummy?"

"Thank you, Mummy." They mumbled in unison, despite half of their dinner ending up on the majority of the table rather than in their mouths. In the end, I had to resort to spoon feeding Mariko once I'd finished,

"Oh, Aki, I have a favour to ask you," Sakiko piped up, in the middle of wiping Reiko's honey-sauce smothered mouth, "Tomorrow, I have a date planned..."

"You do?" I wish I could have hidden my shock a little better, "With who?"

"Oh, just one of the teachers at work," I could see her gushing, and made a mental note to tease her about it at a later date, "It's nothing serious, just a spot of lunch and then afternoon drinks. Would it be alright if you...?"

"... Looked after the girls?" I finished for her, and she nodded at me acutely, "Of course I can. Go out and have fun, you deserve it."

"Thanks, Aki." Sakiko reached over to rub my arm,

"It's nothing," I smiled, picking up Mariko's plastic spoon and pointing the end in Sakiko's direction, "But if you bring him back here, I am going to have to resort to my brotherly duties and grill him for his deepest, darkest secrets."

Sakiko threw her head back and laughed, "I don't want to scare the guy!"

"Well, that's not hard with your face." I retorted, with a snort as I tried to keep my laughs inside.

I could tell she wanted to throw something at me, but restrained herself, considering the twins were at that age where picking up bad habits was testament to everything that happened around them. Instead, she mouthed a curse word in my direction and I just continued to laugh in my chair,

"I knew you were being too nice," Sakiko shook her head with a smile, "I'm glad to see all this money hasn't turned you into a complete jerk."

Her tone had the slightest hint of a big sisterly lecture, "Oh come on," I schmoozed, "You know underneath all those bad jokes that I love you really."

Sakiko chuckled to herself, collecting our dirty plates,

"I guess that means I have to love you too."

 

*

 

I tucked Mariko snugly into her bed covers, adjusting the doll on her pillow as she had so requested,

"Comfy, Mari?" I asked gently, noting the large yawn as Mariko stretched her small arms under the peach-coloured covers,

"Mm..." She murmured, though I couldn't help but catch some sort of worry across her face. She had been unusually quieter today. Of course, she was naturally shy, but this evening I couldn't put my finger on it. I had simply assumed it was the result of being drowned out by Reiko's larger-than-life personality, but it seemed something greater was troubling her,

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" I stroked her hair, "You look upset."

Mariko shrugged her shoulders, her hazel eyes brimming with a small line of tears.

I held her tiny shoulders; I couldn't bear to see either one of them upset, "Come on Mari," I soothed, "What's wrong? Are you worried about something?"

At last, her little chin moved downwards in the smallest of movements,

"OK... Can you tell me what it is?"

Another shrug,

"Is it about today?" I asked, "Did Reiko upset you?"

Mari shook her head and I had to think deeper,

"What about the house?" My thumbs rolled across the material of her pyjamas comfortingly, "Do you miss your old home?"

Her pale pink lips scrunched to one side and she sniffed, "Uncle Aki... I want my Daddy..."

My heart broke at her small voice and I moved forwards to wrap my arm around her, pulling her tight to my chest,

"I know you do, angel," I kissed her hair, "I know... it's OK..."

I rocked her slowly, searching for the right words to say; though there were none to tell a four-year-old child that their father was a complete waste of space with no desire to see either her or her sister, let alone hold the desire to _want_ to be a father.

I sighed deeply; throughout their lives, Sakiko, myself, my mother, my father... we had all tried to shield them from that sort of pain, even if deep down we knew one day it would catch up with us. The questions would come, and we would have to explain the truth.

But for now...

"I know that your Daddy's not here right now and that you miss him, princess..." I started, squeezing her tighter, "But that's why you have me and Mummy... and Grandma and Grandad," I kissed her hair, "We are always going to be your family. Nothing can change that."

I pulled back, smoothing away the small tear trails on her soft cheeks with my thumb,

"We will always love you," I told her, "So you never have to be afraid or feel alone, OK?"

She nodded again, albeit acutely, "You won't go away?" She snivelled, "You'll be my Uncle forever and ever?"

I smiled warmly, taking hold of her hands tightly in my own,

"Forever and ever," I echoed, "I promise. I'm not going anywhere, Mari."

She smiled then, the first proper one I had seen today alone, before she's jumping out of bed and wrapping her arms tightly around my neck,

"... Love you Uncle Aki."

 

* * * 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I would just like to say at the end of this "flashback" *exciting!!* that I have the most amazing readers in the world and I would not be here without any of your immense support <3 I have saved a back up of W.of.C so can now freely work on it from any of my devices (and not just my laptop that Windows is trying to kill with all its updates lmao XD) so I should be able to write more freely <3 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed and I hope it deepened the curiosity~~ or not, who knows! Next chapter up soon! *skips away!* <333


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira's world falls apart in the space of just one day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would suggest lots of snacks, a comfy blanket and tissues for this one. Lots of them 

 

_29th May 2008_

 

 

"Aki, chase me!! Chase me!!"

I laughed, my wrist being pulled by Reiko's excitable fingers. For a four year old, she certainly was exceptionally strong,

"Hold on, Rei," I struggled as I tackle my very full coffee cup and attempt to guide it back to the table safely without it ending up all over the floor, "I need to put this down, it's very hot."

"Very hot!" She mimicked adorably, and I pretended to steal her nose while she giggled with delight,

"OK!" My sister called through from down the hallway, entering the kitchen and holding a hand up against the 10am sunlight beaming through the open patio door and moving towards a section of shade by the television, "I'm ready! How do I look?"

She gave a small twirl; wearing a thin beige coat and a flowery sundress paired with wedge heels. Her long chestnut hair was lightly curled, her make-up nothing more than mascara and a strawberry shade of red lipstick. If Spring had manifested into a living creature, it would be her,

"You look wonderful," I complimented, lifting an eager Reiko into my arms, "Don't you think, Rei?"

"Pretty Mummy!" She exclaimed happily, kicking her small legs.

Sakiko beamed, evaporating all the apprehension and worry that adorned her face just seconds ago, "Why thank you sweetheart. Might I say you look quite the beautiful lady too. Uncle Akira did good."

I picked up on the sly joke and curved my mouth, "You're not the only one in this family with good fashion sense you know." I adjusted Reiko's dungaree co-ords that I had dressed her in this morning as though that would prove my point,

"Yes, but not _all_ of us can shop at Gucci," Sakiko teased with a wink, "Right! Come on girls, say goodbye! Mummy's going out for a little while!"

I set Reiko down on the floor and watched her run into Sakiko's arms. She planted a very sweet kiss on her mother's cheek; a child's kiss, the kind that hardly purses the lips.

Mariko, who had been carefully colouring in her drawing book the entire time dropped her crayons to timidly stand behind Reiko and await her turn. I stood from afar and already found myself smiling. For a second, the picture before me hit my chest with strong wholeheartedness. What it meant to have such a caring and loving family around me. In this bubble, I felt so grateful I had them to ground me.

It felt like home,

"Alright my darlings," Sakiko straightened up, after receiving a very tight hug from Mariko, "You be good for your Uncle Aki. I want no trouble."

I chuckled, "They'll be fine, sis."

"I was talking about you." She grinned, in time for her to slip on a pair of oversized sunglasses and collect her car keys from the suspended rack towards the narrow hallway. I decided to let her have that one, waving goodbye as Sakiko backed towards the front door, blowing kisses to the girls,

"I love you!" She sung, "Have fun!"

The second that door was closed and her small car was rumbling its way down the small street, Reiko, of course found it the _perfect_ excuse to resume her incessant demands and I was at mercy to the toddler's strong will,

"Come on Uncle Aki, let's play!!" Again, my fingers were being grasped tightly with her tiny fingers, pulling me towards the open patio door, "It's your turn to chase me!"

"Alright, alright," I conceded, letting her pull me all the way into the garden, "Come on, Mari, you too!"

Her little sister followed behind us, skipping behind me and squealing as I tickled her sides.

To my relief, Mariko was a lot brighter today; chatty at breakfast time and back to her normal self after my talk with her last night. In her bright pink dungarees and striped t-shirt with matching sandals, that likeness to spring-time I had always compared her to reignited. Again she was a child of her age; in a world where imagination knew no bounds and happiness was a feat that would last forever. Somehow, I was envious. I wished that once again I could return to those feelings, without having to deal with heartbreak day after day. Unrequited love and all that.

Yet the laughter and squeals that emitted from my nieces gave me at least a little hope of fulfilment. Even if I couldn't find it myself, my family was something I _did_ have, and these two little girls; who filled my heart with unchanging love and adoration every day, was my current focus.

Whatever the future held for me, I had them.

And that was the only thing that mattered.

 

*

 

"Alright girls! Break time!"

Expectantly, this earned a very loud groan from each of the girls, Mariko even going as far as to cling to my leg and refuse to move,

I tutted, "Now, now. This is not the end of playtime but it _is_ hot out here." My hands on my hips, I huffed out a deep breath for effect. Already it was past noon, and the blue sky above us held no string of a cloud. The heat was humid and thick, and from all the running around and consistent chasing, I was completely out of breath. In all truth, I could do with a sit down in the shade and a cold glass of lemonade; which seemed far out of reach when one was in the presence of excitable children, "I want you both to have a drink please. Now what would you like?"

I eased Mariko's fingers from around my shin and she giggled mischievously. I tapped her nose with my index finger until she mumbled, "Juice please."

"Juice!" I gasped, to another set of giggles, "And Reiko?"

Reiko was already pre-occupied, running around the end of the garden like a lunatic. Butterflies and honey bees hovered about the small plantation of wildflowers near the edge of the old, wooden fence; the river running wild behind it louder than it had been normally,

"Reiko..." I called again, loud enough over the rushing water, "What do you want to drink please?!"

"Milk, Uncle Aki!!" Was the call I received back, Reiko even running over to follow me as I headed back inside,

"Mariko, be careful near that fence please sweetheart! It's very loose!"

Her little voice shouted back something along the lines of an understanding, and I set about fetching glasses and opening the fridge; rushing in my devout thirst for something cooling and refreshing,

"Aki?" Reiko asked me from across the counters,

"Yes, darling?" I grabbed the cranberry juice and milk cartons from the refrigerator, kicking it closed behind me to face Reiko's hopeful gaze,

"Can we play hide and seek?"

I tried not to sigh in exhaustion, not wanting to insult my niece, "We can, Rei. But only if you drink this first, hm?"

I slid her the small tumbler of milk and she grabbed it with both palms. Raising it to her lips, she gulped down the entire contents quicker than I could tell her to slow down,

"Done!!" She exclaimed proudly, sliding her petite self across the floorboards and back towards the door, "Hide and seek!!"

Her demands were wearing me down and I forced a smile through another bout of fatigue that wracked my aching legs and back.

Lucky for me, my phone started to ring from deep within my jean pocket,

"I will in just a second, sweetheart," I took out the mobile and waved it in Reiko's direction, "I need to just take this call, OK? Then I'll be right out."

Although she didn't say it, it seemed she gave in; gliding her way back to the garden and to where Mariko was now chasing after those poor butterflies. I kept an eye on them for a moment before pressing the phone to my ear,

"Hello?"

"Akira-san?"

"Ah! Yori-san!" I exclaimed, pushing the phone to the crook of my shoulder as I poured Mariko a glass of cranberry juice, "How are you?"

"Good, thank you," My agent answered swiftly, "Look, I'm sorry to bother you whilst you're on vacation -"

"Oh, it's no trouble. In fact you've saved me from the devilish clutches that are my two nieces and a never-ending game of chase." I joked with a small laugh.

She returned it heartily, "Putting you through their paces, are they?"

"Something like that," I mused, holding up a finger as Reiko ran back towards me, holding herself against the frame of the door,

"Come find me, Uncle Aki!" She shrieked, "I hide and you find me!"

I covered the speaker with my palm; unable to hide my minor irritance, "Shhh Reiko! I told you, after I am finished on the phone. That's very rude."

I turned my back to her, hoping she'd get the message,

"Sorry about that," I apologised to Yori, "So, what is it you need?"

"It's nothing too urgent so I won't keep you for very long," She started, ever the thoughtful and intelligent woman she was. I had found myself lucky in hiring her; without her guidance and wisdom I very much believe my writing career would be nothing but a dream wasting away in the gutter by now, "I have the dates and venues for our next book tour and just wanted to run through them with you if you have the time?"

"Sure, yeah, no problem."

She keeps to her word, and spares me little time save for the small details she has to indulge for legal reasons and, luckily, we both end in agreement,

"Fantastic," She breathes cheerfully, "I will start putting together the arrangements and I will send you an email with the confirmation. Enjoy the rest of your time off."

"Thanks Yori, and thanks for keeping me in the loop."

"That's what I'm here for!"

I hung up and wiped my sweating hands on my jeans; the warm air blowing through the open door doing little to cool me down. Instead, I downed a small glass of water, before grabbing Mariko's juice and heading back outside,

"Mariko! Your juice is here! Come and take a drink before you catch heatstroke!"

Silence greeted me. Aside from the distant loud chirps of crickets and the river creek beneath my feet.

I grinned. Their desperation to play hide and seek really must have set in,

"My, my..." I uttered, louder and more dramatic than was necessary, "I wonder where Reiko and Mariko could have gone!"

I expected to hear their unmistakeable giggles from underneath the bushes lining the garden, or from somewhere behind the swing set, yet they stayed readily silent.

I strained my ears a few seconds further before I stepped cautiously forward,

"Come out, come out..." I called playfully, "... Wherever you are!"

Nothing. No whisper, or the soft shuffles of shoes on unearthed grass,

"Reiko..." I dragged out her name, my eyes scanning the shrubbery closely for any signs of movement that would give them away, "Mariko..."

Quietness... and complete still. They were pros. So much so I felt giddy enough just imagining sneaking up on them.

I continued my callings, uttering playful threats of tickles and the like unless they surrendered. I searched the bushes, looking behind me back towards their toys and the walls of the house. Then the swing set...

The panel missing in the wooden fence.

My stomach plummeted like a lead weight. Nausea panged hard in my throat.

"No..."

  
Their names left my lips in a strangled hysteric, and I ran towards the fence on quickened feet, the glass in my hand slipping from my fingers and tumbling to the ground,

"REIKO!!" My chest ripped apart with the velocity of my screams, peering down into the gushing river below in a blind panic, "MARIKO!!"

_No... No, no no, please, God, please, no, this can't be -_

I climbed over the fence, sharp wooden splinters catching and scraping the skin underneath my clothes but the sting did little for me to notice the pain. My gaze flitted between the river and the narrow plateau of rocks behind  each neighbouring house lined one after the other. The further I scaled, the less ground there became under my feet; like scaling across the edge of a cliff.

The drop to this river was sheer; it was enough for me to break a bone should I fall, but for them?

I growled in frustration; the gushing water giving me no clues.

There was no sign of them anywhere,

"NO!" I was hysteric, feeling myself tremble with the weight of sheer panic. Time slowed down as I watched the wild water thrash against rocks and carry with it a smattering of foliage, debris and litter.

_There was no way they could have..._

"No! No no... please God no.... no _please... PLEASE!_ "

I was close to sobbing, vision blurry and shaky as I dialled the only number I could fathom in this nightmare. On uneasy legs, I made my way back towards the house, praying that perhaps they were behind me in the garden after all,

"Reiko?!" I cried, only to be met with silence, "Mariko?!"

Nothing...

"Please, babies, answer me!! ANSWER ME!!"

Abhorrence invaded, and I followed my buckled knees to the ground; an uncontrollable sob rattling my chest. I trembled under the weight of my dismay, pulling at the strands of my hair as I shakily pressed the phone to my ear, unable to help but scan the river for what felt the hundredth time.

"Come on, come on, come on..." I whisper... desperate for the rings to stop and for someone to answer me. Someone to _help_ me,

"Hello, emergency services. Which service do you require?"

"- I-I need an ambulance!!" I shouted down the phone,

"OK, sir, I'm putting you through now."

"Please... hurry..."

I was gasping for air, shrouded in an unforgivable cloud of anxiety with no way of release. My voice was swallowed, crushed by a wretched force that was tearing me apart.

_This is a dream.... please just tell me this is all a bad dream..._

"Hello, you're through to the ambulance service. How can I help?"

The words seemed faraway... distant... separated from this world and I struggled to make sense of them.

All I could focus on was the river... the aggression of its stream...

The pink sandal now washed up against the rocks...

_No... Mariko..._

"Please help me!!" I screech into the phone, as reality set its ugly hand on my shoulder; the words tearing from me until my throat stung with the pressure, "Th-There's been an accident!! My nieces..." The fingers tangled in my hair pull until I feel the strands rip from my scalp, "M-My... I think my nieces have fallen into the river! Please!! They're only _four years old!_ Oh God... Oh God, please help. Please _help me! Please!!"_

"Alright, sir, I'm going to need you to stay calm -"

"... They were right there..." I whispered, "I was only going to be a moment... I..."

"Sir, stay with me. I need you to tell me what's happening."

"... I told her to stay away... I-I _told_ them to stay away from the fence!"

"It's OK, sir, just take some deep breaths for me. We're tracking your location and an ambulance crew will be with you shortly-"

I couldn't feel anything. Not the sun on my face nor the heat that had before plagued my body. This heat was different. It was _horrible, evil..._ my body inhabiting the essence of horror in its purest form. I felt flushed with shame.

_Guilt..._

"Hurry..." I whimpered... "Please..."

I watched Mariko's pink sandal drown in the tepid brook...

_Save them._

*

 

Strangers. Everywhere. Sirens... loud and deafening...

Birds singing.

_Screaming._

I sat frozen on the back porch, my shirt torn from scaling the wooden fence. Blood specked my skin and the cuts stung, but I couldn't care less; more than content with wallowing deep within this pain.

I watched the medical staff; their blue uniforms blurred through a wall of my tears as they disappeared and then re-emerged countless times from the river below. Various rescue teams followed their stead, a chorus of my niece's names the only sound for what felt like miles.

_They're OK... They have to be..._

It's all I chose to believe. I wouldn't stand for anything else. My precious girls were down there somewhere. They'd just gotten stuck but they were going to make it. The paramedics will find them, and when they do, it'll all be fine.

_I only turned my back for a moment... A moment...._

"It'll be fine..." I whisper, my eyes locked onto the blood red stain of cranberry juice and glass smashed into the grass.

_They're fine._

"Akira?... Akira?!"

I spun my head around to find Sakiko standing rigidly in the doorway, holding the frame for support,

"Saki..." I didn't recognise my own voice the moment I spoke; hoarse and low with the damage dealt.

Sakiko was pale; the make-up wiped from her face with paths of abundant tears. Her appearance was paradoxical to the carrier of cheerfulness she had become this morning. Now, she looked... matted. Drained. Her clothing no longer ironed smartly but now creased and half hanging at her shoulders; her wavy hair now hysteric and messy. She stood rigidly, her small frame hunched over with fear and I felt a ripple of heartache,

"What - ?" Her dark brown eyes were wide with frantic, yet she took in the scene before her with simple confusion, "What... happened?"

Her voice was small, and as she took minute, staggering steps across the lawn and towards my side, I reached out for her. Desperate to cling onto her; to share this nightmare with her,

"It's OK..." I breathed, her fingers clutching tight to my arm the second she was in close enough proximity, "It's going to be OK... th-they're going to find them. A-Alright? They're going to find them..."

The more I repeated it, the more I believed it. No, there was no doubt,

  
"B-But..." Sakiko's bottom lip trembled, her eyebrows knitted with complete disorientation. I saw the fear strike like matches in her eyes; that same fateful spark I felt the second I realised they were missing, "Aki... I... I-I don't understand."

She turns her head to me; a picture of shattered happiness, "Th-They told me over the phone that they... the girls had..." Her gaze shifted towards the stream, "B-But it..."

I listened to her struggle for the words, laying a hand on her back as a useless sort of comfort,

"It was an accident." I whisper, robbed of all else to say. Perhaps it was the shock keeping the rest at bay, but any second now I was waiting for the impending weight of guilt to crash down on me. I could feel it tugging... lurking in the background. But I had to stay strong for my sister,

"An accident..." Sakiko echoed beside me and I nodded, as we watched the paramedics together. Time encompassing us in a slow, mournful pause,

"They're going to be fine," I told her, squeezing my sister tight to me, "It's all going to be fine. I promise."

Shouts up ahead alerted the pair of us, yet we still remained still in this small nightmare of a paradox. Eventually streams of coherent words started to form together, and everyone around us suddenly kicked into motion,

"We found them!" A paramedic called out, "Get a stretcher! Someone give me a hand please!!"

Relief washed through me like an ocean wave crashing against rocks. I gripped Sakiko tighter and together we smiled,

"I knew it!!" I exclaimed, so loudly I could burst, just as Sakiko wrapped a palm over her mouth and half-laughed, half-cried with sheer joy, "Saki, I told you they'd be fine!"

"I knew it..." I whispered again under my breath, letting go of Sakiko as she charged forward to the rescue crews; into the blend of navy and orange uniforms and helmets, "... I _knew_ they'd be OK..."

It took a short while for my legs to move forward and follow the path of my sister. I let medical personnel sidestep around me, not hearing their 'excuse me''s or apologies. I just wanted to see my girls.

I was going to hold them so tight and not let them go; tonight I wasn't even going to let them out of my sight.

Sakiko held my hand as a group of four pulled up a small stretcher, and so many gathered around them to help that I couldn't even see.

But then I did. I saw Mariko's feet, with her one sandal missing, and the hems of her pink dungarees.

The stillness of her arms at her sides,

"What... What are they doing?" Sakiko murmured, as we both watched the stretcher lower to the ground. A paramedic leant over, pumping the ground with his hands.

"No..."

Pumping my niece's heart,

"Oh God, please no..." The words left my lips before I could stop myself. That weight of hope in my stomach suddenly became dark with gut-wrenching dismay, and I wished the ground would swallow me until there was nothing left.

Anything. I'd give _anything..._

I barely caught the bloodcurdling screams of my sister beside me. They materialised into my hearing like emerging from water and encountering explosions above my head. I let her surge forward, screaming at the paramedics. Pleading with them. Fighting to push past and let her see her baby.

I remained; my legs shaking. Knees detached. Life from my limbs now limp and cold; and I became expelled into darkness. The very blood in my bones draining the more I watched strangers exhaustedly try to exert life into Mariko's heart.

_This isn't happening... This isn't happening..._

I couldn't even scream her name. I couldn't call out to her and tell her I was here. Little Mariko. Shy, innocent Mariko; that loved to draw, to cuddle, and preferred her bedroom to any other room in the house. Who I could hold in my arms and protect forever,

"She's not responding... can I have more adrenaline please?! We may need to make an incision here and drain this fluid -"

Their voices soon became one; instructions, calculations and calm professional orders blending until I could no longer understand. The only cries that I understood were the ones erupting from Sakiko; crying for Mari to hold on,

"M-Mummy's here baby!" She sobbed, crying over the shoulder of a policewoman gently restraining her, "M-Mummys' here. You have to hold on for me! Come on baby, just breathe! Please, just... just breathe!"

I wish I could step closer yet my feet held me in place as though stuck. I stood frozen and rooted to the spot; cowardice keeping my eyes from seeing anything more than the ambiguity of Mariko's small legs and the ends of her leggings. Her one shoe...

"Sir! We found the other one!" More voices... down the valley. From a rescue team completely forgotten,

"Bring her up here!" Someone else barked, "And get that oxygen ready please!!"

I felt my chest lift again with hope; for the briefest second. Reiko was eldest of the two, she knew how to handle herself. She.... she just _knew._ She _had_  to be fine.

They laid Reiko down right in front of me; not on a stretcher but instead limp in the arms of a rescue worker. Her once pink lips were now blue and pale, her milky skin and clothing drenched to the core, with dirt and debris smearing and staining her. Her legs were tangled in mulch, her shins scarred with cuts and grazes from the rocks and reeds wound tight at her ankles.

Her chocolate eyes once full of wonder now lifeless...

Open... and staring directly at me,

"Reiko..." The name feathered past my lips until I was screaming it, lunging forward and taking her hand in mine, even as I was attempted to be held back by the others. She felt icy cold; a doll plunged deep into an ice bath but not... not my Reiko. Not like this...

"I'm-I'm here baby," My voice was a tremor encased in panic. Suffocated by fear, "You're going to be OK, alright? I'm here sweetheart, Uncle Aki is here, you just- you just wake up for me now honey, OK?"

Reiko stared. Lifelessly. That energy that could drag sunshine from clouds now snatched away and replaced with nothing. Not her wide, grinning smile, or her laughter.  

There was just nothing.

They let me hold her hand as they worked; encouraging me to talk to her. To get her to come back.

Time passed in an instant. I knew not how long it had been nor the number of times I watched them press onto Reiko's small body. I lost count of each compression; each one slow like moving underwater. I willed for a sign. For _anything_ ,

"It's been twenty minutes," I heard one of them say.

The tone was morbid; and each of them looked at the other in a bind only they knew and understood. I didn't, yet when they each turned that morbidity to my eyes and took my hand and squeezed; I felt that horrendous weight of disbelief drop in my stomach. Enough to make me want to scream,

"No," I hissed, suddenly understanding as the paramedic slowed her compressions, letting go of Reiko's chest entirely, "No... don't you _dare..._ "

"I'm so sorry, sir."

"We've done everything we can."

"She's gone..."

_No._

"No," I repeated aloud, "No, you're just not _trying hard enough!"_

All that they had to offer me was sympathetic stares and gazes directed at the floor; some were brave enough to face me. But they all mirrored the same fate.

I wasn't going to,

"Get out of my way," I wiped the wetness from my cheeks and slid to Reiko's side, shoving aside the paramedics surrounding her, "She's not dead."

"- Sir... this isn't going to help -"

"She's NOT. DEAD."

My throat burned with the venom laced in each word, staring them down with menace. She's not...

"... Not Reiko," I whispered, my eyes roaming her sun-kissed skin.

_She looks so cold._

I take her hand, limp in my own; fingers that would once grip me tightly now weary. Frozen.

Dead,

"Come on Reiko," I whispered, gathering her in my arms. She felt limp and rigid; the sunshine and happiness that befell her now cloudy skies and the desolation of falling rain, "Come on sweetheart just breathe for me."

I shook her gently, willing her to awake in my arms. To look up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and grin that big, toothy smile right back at me in mischief, like she always had. I wanted her to tell me her little stories. I wanted to hear her voice again. I _needed_ to hear her laugh and sing in the bathroom first thing in the morning or ask me to read her a bedtime story.

I _needed_ her to,

"Reiko..." Defeated, I cradled her tight against my chest, "... Don't leave... please... don't -"

She was so soft... so innocent.

_What have I done?_

"Aki, wh-what's happening?"

I was up in an instant, laying Reiko, beautiful, sweet Reiko, back down on the floor with quick gentleness,

"Sakiko, no -" I caught her in my arms, as she staggered over towards Reiko and the team sitting behind me.

I couldn't let her see. I couldn't let her see her baby like that.

I just had. I felt the life of her disappear in my arms, the rigidity of her bones and the soulless stare in her eyes. Sakiko didn't have to see that; I... I couldn't let her.

She stared at me, bewildered, "Why?" I held her shoulders firmly, my lips trembling; no matter how hard I tried to stay strong, the tears threatened to force their way out. My grief tiptoeing and pushing in my chest,

"Akira, what's going on? What are they doing to my little girl?" Sakiko tried to sidestep me; her small face haggard with emotion. I tried not to say a single thing. Just trying to tell her with my eyes,

"You're scaring me..." She whispered after a few moments of silence; and to my secret despair I watched her trace the paths of tears on my cheeks.

Then widen. Widen with some kind of despair that I couldn't name.

With the same wave of grief I was trapped in,

"Akira, no - " A sob came then, and I fought to hold her as she tried to push past me, "No, please don't tell me- no, no, no!"

"Saki, please!" I begged her, shaking her shoulders; as she released the most heartbreaking, inhumane noises I had ever heard, "You can't go over there right now, OK? Just-Just stay here... just stay with me. Please, Saki, _please_."

I let her scream against my shoulder; I fell with her when she collapsed to the ground. I held her tight to me as she cried out and begged me to let her go. But I couldn't. I _had_ to protect her,

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed, rocking her from side to side as she fell apart in my arms, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

The apologies left my lips one after the other, yet I could change nothing. I could feel Sakiko, my own sister, break apart in my arms and still I could feel nothing inside myself except mind-numbing misery.

There was no comprehension. No acceptance that I had just laid my niece on the grass. That she was lying there behind me, when she should have been _safe_. Safe with me. Safe with her own family,

"What have I done?" I whispered against Sakiko's shoulder, "Oh God, what have I... what have I done?"

_I'm so sorry, Reiko._

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This was INCREDIBLY hard to write. Even that is an understatement >.< But! I think I feel satisfied with it. Bearing in mind, this very chapter was the one chapter I have had perfectly planned out in my head when I first started this fic all those years ago. Nothing has changed about it, and I'm glad it finally came to paper, even if it is the most heartbreaking thing ever

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So this is the first work I've posted to Archive Of Our Own! I operated under LiveJournal as "Sorrowofanangel" for years and years and (hopefully!) people enjoyed my work there. 
> 
> Whispers of Children is my most treasured work to date featuring our fave Gaze-rockers so I thought I would expand the series to be posted here too!!
> 
> Readers, both old and new to my work, I sincerely hope you enjoy (*^^*) <3
> 
> This series is currently ongoing so who knows what other surprises lay in store! *rolls*
> 
> Thank you minna~ 
> 
> ~ Emi ~


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